SNL Transcripts: Ray Sharkey: 01/10/81: White Baby Salesman

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 6

80f: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends

White Baby Salesman

Drug Dealer…..Ray Sharkey
Baby Dealer…..Eddie Murphy
Man…..Joe Piscopo
Woman…..Ann Risley
Mother…..Denny Dillon

[ open on park sidewalk, night, as two dealers hustle people as they walk by ]

Drug Dealer: — I got hash. I got everything!

Baby Dealer: I got white babies! WHITE babies, people!

[ a passing couple stop, curious ]

Baby Dealer: Very white! Just came in today. Like a PEARL white!

Woman: Alan, this could be the answer to our prayers!

Man: Oh, I don’t know. The Margulins got burned at this park, buying a white baby. It turned out to be a bowling pin.

Woman: Well, the Margulins are idiots! Let’s at least take a look.

Man: Ah… you really want this baby, don’t you?

Woman: Well — either that, or a sofa bed.

[ the two salesmen overhear this ]

Drug Dealer: [ frustrated ] Sofa bed? Where’d you get babies?!

Baby Dealer: No, dude… just be cool.

[ the couple step forward ]

Man: Uh — [ he clears his throat ] We’re, uh, interested in the, um, white, um, baby.

Baby Dealer: Yeah, well, uh, how many you want?

Woman: Just one, I think.

Baby Dealer: Well… I can give you a price break if you buy two, plus I’ll throw in some talcum powder!

Drug Dealer: [ interrupting ] Hey — you gotta have cocaine! I got downers! I got —

Man: Uh, just — may we ask, uh, who the actual parents are?

Baby Dealer: [ nervous ] Yeah… they, uh, was a young couple…

Woman: We just want one special baby. Can we see it?

Baby Dealer: Yeah, sure. Right in here. [ he lifts a garbage can lid and points inside ] Check him out.

Woman: [ looking in ] Ohhhh, he’s beautiful!

Baby Dealer: Yeah, you ain’t gonna find another one like him! He got all his SHOTS and everything!

Drug Dealer: [ interrupting ] How about a briefcase, man?! I got BRIEFCASES here!

Man: I’d still like to know who the actual parents are.

Baby Dealer: I TOLD you — it was a young career couple, they got married into an adults-only co-op, and they had to get rid of the baby!

Man: Hmm.

Woman: Honey, he’s smiling at me! He likes us! Let’s get him!

Man: Oh, I don’t know… what are all those red splotches? He seems to have a rash.

Baby Dealer: ALL white babies got that!

Woman: [ pleadingly ] I like red splotches.

Drug Dealer: [ interrupting ] Say, wait a minute! How about some canned goods?! I got some chicken gumbo right there! Condensed, and everything! How about it, sir? Come on!

Baby Dealer: Hey, look, man — can’t you see I’m conducting business here?

Drug Dealer: Hey, don’t give me no —

Man: Well, let’s see… hold on…

Baby Dealer: How about I put your behind in this garbage can?!

Man: Uh… uh… let’s see, you said, uh…

Baby Dealer: $500.

Man: Yes. Well, here you go. Right there. [ he hands over money ] $500.

Baby Dealer: Well… when I see the green, you can have the baby. There you go, take it!

[ the Woman picks up the baby and squeals with delight ] [ a young woman walks into the park, and is quickly approached by the drug dealer ]

Drug Dealer: Smoke! Got some hash, got some downs, some produce!

[ she steps closer to the baby dealer and the couple ]

Mother: Excuse me? Has anyone here seen a, a baby boy? He-he has a red, splotchy face…?

[ the drug dealer tries to back off ]

Baby Dealer: Uh — no. But if we see the baby, we’ll tell you about it!

Mother: He was right next to me in the stroller! You know, I went to catch a stray frisbee, and then —

[ she spots the baby being held by the couple ]

Mother: That’s my baby! Splotchy!

[ the woman pulls her new baby away ]

Woman: Not any more, it isn’t! We just paid FIVE BIG ONES for it!

Mother: [ aghast ] Are you kidding?! SOLD for $500?! I paid $750 for him LAST WEEK! I have the receipt right here! Look at that!!

Man: Let me see that… [ he inspects the receipt ] [ meanwhile, the dealers have casually exited the scene as the commotion escalates ] [ camera pans upward into audience, zooms toward man with SUPER: “This Man Has A Lot Of Cole Slaw In His Underwear” ] [ fade ]

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