SNL Transcripts: Ray Sharkey: 01/10/81: White Baby Salesman


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 6

80f: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends

White Baby Salesman

Drug Dealer…..Ray Sharkey
Baby Dealer…..Eddie Murphy
Man…..Joe Piscopo
Woman…..Ann Risley
Mother…..Denny Dillon

[ open on park sidewalk, night, as two dealers hustle people as they walk by ]

Drug Dealer: — I got hash. I got everything!

Baby Dealer: I got white babies! WHITE babies, people!

[ a passing couple stop, curious ]

Baby Dealer: Very white! Just came in today. Like a PEARL white!

Woman: Alan, this could be the answer to our prayers!

Man: Oh, I don’t know. The Margulins got burned at this park, buying a white baby. It turned out to be a bowling pin.

Woman: Well, the Margulins are idiots! Let’s at least take a look.

Man: Ah… you really want this baby, don’t you?

Woman: Well — either that, or a sofa bed.

[ the two salesmen overhear this ]

Drug Dealer: [ frustrated ] Sofa bed? Where’d you get babies?!

Baby Dealer: No, dude… just be cool.

[ the couple step forward ]

Man: Uh — [ he clears his throat ] We’re, uh, interested in the, um, white, um, baby.

Baby Dealer: Yeah, well, uh, how many you want?

Woman: Just one, I think.

Baby Dealer: Well… I can give you a price break if you buy two, plus I’ll throw in some talcum powder!

Drug Dealer: [ interrupting ] Hey — you gotta have cocaine! I got downers! I got —

Man: Uh, just — may we ask, uh, who the actual parents are?

Baby Dealer: [ nervous ] Yeah… they, uh, was a young couple…

Woman: We just want one special baby. Can we see it?

Baby Dealer: Yeah, sure. Right in here. [ he lifts a garbage can lid and points inside ] Check him out.

Woman: [ looking in ] Ohhhh, he’s beautiful!

Baby Dealer: Yeah, you ain’t gonna find another one like him! He got all his SHOTS and everything!

Drug Dealer: [ interrupting ] How about a briefcase, man?! I got BRIEFCASES here!

Man: I’d still like to know who the actual parents are.

Baby Dealer: I TOLD you — it was a young career couple, they got married into an adults-only co-op, and they had to get rid of the baby!

Man: Hmm.

Woman: Honey, he’s smiling at me! He likes us! Let’s get him!

Man: Oh, I don’t know… what are all those red splotches? He seems to have a rash.

Baby Dealer: ALL white babies got that!

Woman: [ pleadingly ] I like red splotches.

Drug Dealer: [ interrupting ] Say, wait a minute! How about some canned goods?! I got some chicken gumbo right there! Condensed, and everything! How about it, sir? Come on!

Baby Dealer: Hey, look, man — can’t you see I’m conducting business here?

Drug Dealer: Hey, don’t give me no —

Man: Well, let’s see… hold on…

Baby Dealer: How about I put your behind in this garbage can?!

Man: Uh… uh… let’s see, you said, uh…

Baby Dealer: $500.

Man: Yes. Well, here you go. Right there. [ he hands over money ] $500.

Baby Dealer: Well… when I see the green, you can have the baby. There you go, take it!

[ the Woman picks up the baby and squeals with delight ] [ a young woman walks into the park, and is quickly approached by the drug dealer ]

Drug Dealer: Smoke! Got some hash, got some downs, some produce!

[ she steps closer to the baby dealer and the couple ]

Mother: Excuse me? Has anyone here seen a, a baby boy? He-he has a red, splotchy face…?

[ the drug dealer tries to back off ]

Baby Dealer: Uh — no. But if we see the baby, we’ll tell you about it!

Mother: He was right next to me in the stroller! You know, I went to catch a stray frisbee, and then —

[ she spots the baby being held by the couple ]

Mother: That’s my baby! Splotchy!

[ the woman pulls her new baby away ]

Woman: Not any more, it isn’t! We just paid FIVE BIG ONES for it!

Mother: [ aghast ] Are you kidding?! SOLD for $500?! I paid $750 for him LAST WEEK! I have the receipt right here! Look at that!!

Man: Let me see that… [ he inspects the receipt ] [ meanwhile, the dealers have casually exited the scene as the commotion escalates ] [ camera pans upward into audience, zooms toward man with SUPER: “This Man Has A Lot Of Cole Slaw In His Underwear” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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