Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 6
Vic Lazlo…..Gilbert Gottfried
[ open on interior, Interrogation Room ]
Interrogator: Alright, Lazlo! Where were you on the night of December 14th?!
Lazlo: I — I was at a movie!
Interrogator: WHAT movie?!
Lazlo: Uh — uh — one of those science-fiction movies!
Interrogator: What theater?!
Lazlo: Uh — uh — the Paramount!
Interrogator: What was the name of the movie?!
Lazlo: Uh — uh — it’s “Star Wars”!
Interrogator: Don’t give me that “Star Wars” crap! It’s gone! “Raging Bull”‘s there now!
Lazlo: Uhhh — you got me MIXED UP!
Interrogator: Look! Why don’t you admit it, Lazslo? You robbed the grocery store at gunpoint on the night of December 13th!
Lazlo: Okay, I did it!!
Interrogator: [ surprised ] What?!
Lazlo: I did it!!
Interrogator: Are you ready to make a FULL confession?!
Interrogator: [ he holds up a gun and points it at Lazlo ] You sure?
Interrogator: Great. [ he returns the gun to his holster ] Now, we gotta put this all on tape now. It shouldn’t take us long. Police regulations, you know what I mean? [ he opens the door and peeks into the hall ] Alright, come on in, guys, set it up! Bring everything right here. How are you, Al?
Technician: [ entering with equipment ] I’m all set.
Interrogator: How’s the wife and kids?
Technician: Not bad.
Interrogator: Alright. Bring it right in here.[ the equipment is set up ]
Interrogator: Alright. Now, you just tell the whole story, Lazlo, right into the camera right there!
Interrogator: Yeah, it’s police regulations! Don’t worry about it!
Interrogator: How’s the mike, good?
Lazlo: [ nervously ] My — my name is Vic Lazlo. I was behind in my rent. I got laid off from my job, so I went out and got a gun from some guy off the street.
Interrogator: Cut! Cut. I don’t know. I don’t know, Laz. I, uh, I don’t BUY it! You know what I mean? You gotta, like — you gotta, like, BEEF UP the confession. You gotta — I GOT IT!! A girl! We’ll use a girl! Put a girl in it!
Lazlo: There wasn’t any girl there.
Interrogator: Come on! Whare are you talking about? Here! Let me show you! Get outta here! I’ll show you what to do!
Lazlo: But there wasn’t any girl…[ they switch places ]
Interrogator: Look — you gotta be an actor, you gotta be an actor. Here we go. [ sobbing ] “On the night of December 14th, I was flat broke! I was behind in my rent! That night, I made passionate love with my girl. Later, we fought, she kicked me out, then I went out into the street to buy a gun!” You got it?
Lazlo: Well, I’ll — I’ll give it a try.
Interrogator: Good! Let’s do it again, okay, guys?[ they switch places ]
Interrogator: How’s everybody feeling, good? Look RIGHT into the camera! Okay, and… ACTION!
Lazlo: [ in a 1930’s gangster tone ] “It was December 14th. I was lying on my couch with my girl. She started arguing with me. She said she wanted pearls and furs and lots of pretty stuff. But I just didn’t have the dough! Well, I was getting pretty sore, so I went out and I bought a heater, and I was ready to use it!”
Interrogator: Cut! Cut.
Lazlo: What is it now?
Interrogator: I don’t know, Vic. Uh — you’re unhappy, you know what I mean? You gotta lot of ANGER inside! Let’s see that anger against society!
Lazlo: [ sighing ] This is my confession. I think the anger should come later on.
Interrogator: Vic, darling, don’t worry about it, okay? Come on, let’s pick it up again at, uh… [ snapping his fingers ] “I was ready to use it” and, uh — you know what I’m talking about, right?
Lazlo: Yeah, yeah.
Interrogator: You feel good?
Interrogator: Okay — ready? And… ACTION!
Lazlo: [ with anger seething ] “And I was ready to use it, even if meant a stretch in the pen! NOTHING could stand in my way!”
Interrogator: CUT! Cut!
Lazlo: Look, look — I can’t work this way! You’re screwing up my whole story! I mean, I don’t understand this. Alright, there’s a girl — what does she look like? What is our relationship like?
Interrogator: Vic, Vic… come to Poppa! Come here! [ they hug ] Don’t worry about it, hey? Come on, everything’s gonna be okay, alright?
Interrogator: The girl’s, uh, the girl’s a sexy redhead, you’ve been having an intense relationship with her… you know what I mean. Now, come on! Let’s take it from the top, alright? Time is money, executives are breathing down my neck. [ to the technicians ] Hey, how you guys doing? You feeling good? You got time for one more? Alright, alright, let’s go. Okay, roll it! And… ACTION!
Lazlo: [ with intesne anger ] “After my girl left… I bough a gun! From a man named Scummy Frank! His name was written ALL over his face! I LOATHED him, but I had no choice!”
Lazlo: Cut? Cut? What do you mean, cut?
Interrogator: I-I’m sorry, Vic. We’re out of tape. I mean —
Lazlo: [ incredulous ] The machine’s out of tape?
Interrogator: I’m really sorry, Vic.
Lazlo: Look — [ he stands ] First, you cheapen my story… you throw a girl into it for the sake of, I don’t know, cheesecake! I REFUSE to work under these conditions! I don’t work for YOU any more! You get yourself a CHEAP PICKPOCKET to finish this film for you!
Interrogator: Vic, baby! Sweetheart! Baby, come on, you’re great! You know you’re great! Come on, do this for me, just one more time! Please! Justdo it for me ONE more time! I’ll give you anything you want! Lunch at the Polo Lounge for a year! Please!
Lazlo: Alright, alright! Okay, okay! For you.
Lazlo: But we get rid of the girl, we shoot this story and the confession my way, the original way.
Interrogator: Sure, Vic! Anything you want!
Lazlo: Much better.
Interrogator: Anything you want, sure! Alright, guys, we’re shooting it his way. Okay… roll it! And… ACTION!
Lazlo: [ assertively ] “My name is Vic Lazlo, I’m a cheap hood! I was behind my rent, so on December 14th, I got myself a gun and held up the Chelsea grocery store! [ dramatically ] I CONFESS!! I DID IT!!! I’M GUILTYYYYY!!!!”
Interrogator: CUT!!! PRINT!!! IT’S A WRAP!!! Go back to the gas chamber, we got it! [ hugging Lazlo ] Okay, baby, we got it! Beautiful! Beautiful![ dissolve to overhead studio shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next: Tupperware Diaphragms” ] [ fade ]