Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 6
Ray Sharkey’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Ray Sharkey![ Sharkey runs out, does a pratfall and lands seated on the floor, then jumps to his feet ]
Ray Sharkey: ALRIGHT!! [ he blows kisses to the audience ] Hi, everybody! 20 million people out there — I LOVE YOU!!
Voice from the Audience: We do, too!
Ray Sharkey: [ he shrugs ] That’s my mother, it’s okay. [ the audience laughs ] It really is! It really is my mother! Back in New York, man! This is it, I gotta tell you. This is the greatest [ mouths: “fuckin'” ] city in the whole world! [ the audience cheers ] Alright! When I got here, they said to me the irst thing I gotta do is come out and, uh, you know, say a few words… I said, “Great!” Hey — a monologue! I always wanted to do a monologue, you know? Those laughs… tell some jokes… a little stand-up routine. So, a little later on, I’m gonna tell some jokes and stuff, and I may need a little help from the audience out there. You guys are my friends — right?[ the audience cheers enthusiastically ]
Okay! That’s later! But I gotta tell you about my trip coming into town — in one minute. I go through this whole thing. I got off the plane, right? I fly from Los Angeles to New York — a distance of about… 3,000 miles, right? It took five hours, okay? To get my bags from the plane to the car — 300 feet — it takes me about SIX hours! Fuhgeddaboudit! So I get in the cab, I get on the freeway — oh, they call ’em “highways” here, sorry about that! — and I look and I see the 59th Street Bridge, and I know I’m home. You know? I mean, it’s like what a feeling. Ugh! The worst thing about it — I took this flight, it’s called a Redeye. Anybody take the Redeye? [ the audience cheers ] Fuhgeddaboudit! I mean, everybody walks on the plane looking so beautiful… the next day, it’s like, fuhgeddaboudit! I sat next to this woman, she was the most beautiful woman in the world. In the morning, she wakes up, she looks like… ugh! Fuhgeddaboudit! We broke up — I didn’t even sleep with her! It was terrible. When I got to the city, I got so depressed, you know? I was driving in the car, and this BLIZZARD was comin’ down! Fuhgeddaboudit! And it snows… there’s a beautiful white blanket. I’m depressed and then, wait a minute, man… underneath this white blanket is the greasy, gray film and dirt of New York. This is, this is my home, and I love it! I’m glad to be back![ the audience applauds enthusiastically ]
And about those jokes, you know what? I’m not supposed to do this, but I’m gonna do it! Forget about the jokes! I’m here to have a good time, and we’re ALL here to have a good time! We’ve got a GREAT show! Hang on, we’ll be right back! ENJOY YOURSELVES!!