SNL Transcripts: Ray Sharkey: 01/10/81: Ray Sharkey’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 6

80f: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends

Ray Sharkey’s Monologue

…..Ray Sharkey

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Ray Sharkey!

[ Sharkey runs out, does a pratfall and lands seated on the floor, then jumps to his feet ]

Ray Sharkey: ALRIGHT!! [ he blows kisses to the audience ] Hi, everybody! 20 million people out there — I LOVE YOU!!

Voice from the Audience: We do, too!

Ray Sharkey: [ he shrugs ] That’s my mother, it’s okay. [ the audience laughs ] It really is! It really is my mother! Back in New York, man! This is it, I gotta tell you. This is the greatest [ mouths: “fuckin'” ] city in the whole world! [ the audience cheers ] Alright! When I got here, they said to me the irst thing I gotta do is come out and, uh, you know, say a few words… I said, “Great!” Hey — a monologue! I always wanted to do a monologue, you know? Those laughs… tell some jokes… a little stand-up routine. So, a little later on, I’m gonna tell some jokes and stuff, and I may need a little help from the audience out there. You guys are my friends — right?

[ the audience cheers enthusiastically ]

Okay! That’s later! But I gotta tell you about my trip coming into town — in one minute. I go through this whole thing. I got off the plane, right? I fly from Los Angeles to New York — a distance of about… 3,000 miles, right? It took five hours, okay? To get my bags from the plane to the car — 300 feet — it takes me about SIX hours! Fuhgeddaboudit! So I get in the cab, I get on the freeway — oh, they call ’em “highways” here, sorry about that! — and I look and I see the 59th Street Bridge, and I know I’m home. You know? I mean, it’s like what a feeling. Ugh! The worst thing about it — I took this flight, it’s called a Redeye. Anybody take the Redeye? [ the audience cheers ] Fuhgeddaboudit! I mean, everybody walks on the plane looking so beautiful… the next day, it’s like, fuhgeddaboudit! I sat next to this woman, she was the most beautiful woman in the world. In the morning, she wakes up, she looks like… ugh! Fuhgeddaboudit! We broke up — I didn’t even sleep with her! It was terrible. When I got to the city, I got so depressed, you know? I was driving in the car, and this BLIZZARD was comin’ down! Fuhgeddaboudit! And it snows… there’s a beautiful white blanket. I’m depressed and then, wait a minute, man… underneath this white blanket is the greasy, gray film and dirt of New York. This is, this is my home, and I love it! I’m glad to be back!

[ the audience applauds enthusiastically ]

And about those jokes, you know what? I’m not supposed to do this, but I’m gonna do it! Forget about the jokes! I’m here to have a good time, and we’re ALL here to have a good time! We’ve got a GREAT show! Hang on, we’ll be right back! ENJOY YOURSELVES!!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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