Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 7
Dan Rather…..Joe Piscopo
Bill Leonard…..Pete Fatovich
Heather Clark…..Jeannine Kerwin
Dan Rather: I’m Dan Rather… with another edition… of “60 Minutes”. In past shows, we’ve investigated everything from the Tunisian Gulf… to the Love Canal. Tonight, we take a look at ourselves. In a recent poll, it was disclosed that what IRKS most viewers of “60 Minutes”… is that there ARE… NO… WOMEN. We explain this phenomenon as we examine… No Babes… In Newsland.[ cut to film footage of Dan Rather interviewing Bill Leonard ]
Dan Rather V/O: We talked to Bill Leonard, President of CBS News, about this situation.
Bill Leonard: There ARE women on “60 Minutes”! Ask anyone on the show!
Dan Rather: I AM on the show… and there ARE no women!
Bill Leonard: That’s because — that’s because 1 out of every 4 weeks, they wouldn’t be able to work! [ chuckling ] You know what I mean, Dan?[ Dan Rather offers a stone-faced reaction ]
Bill Leonard: I mean, after all, Dan — we’re replacing you with a Black man. That’s practically the same thing![ cut to Dan Rather walking through the offices of “60 Minutes” ]
Dan Rather V/O: We decided to ask some of the women who work on the “60 Minutes” staff… why there are no women on the air. But we couldn’t find any women… here.[ Dan Rather looks back at the desks dominated by male employees ] [ cut to male employees drinking coffee in the break room ]
Dan Rather V/O: — or here.[ cut to Dan Rather standing in front of a women’s restroom ]
Dan Rather: — or here.[ cut to Dan Rather interviewing Heather Clark ]
Dan Rather V/O: This is Heather Clark… award-winning journalist.
Heather Clark: I was almost hired by “60 Minutes” to be an acnhorperson, but it never materialized.
Dan Rather: Why not? What happened?
Heather Clark: [ she sighs heavily ] I don’t like to say this, but… I just have a feeling that Mike Wallace did not want me hired.[ cut to Mike Wallace ]
Dan Rather V/O: So we spoke to Mike Wallace.
Mike Wallace: Ridiculous! Heather Clark is a fine journalist, and she’d be an asset to the show.[ cut to Dan Rather speaking to Heather Clark ]
Dan Rather: Mike Wallace told us — and I quote — “Heather Clark” would “be an asset to the show.”
Heather Clark: Well, I just get the feeling that he did not want me hired.
Dan Rather: Why?
Heather Clark: Well, there’s this note I received.[ she pulls out a large, painted note that reads: “Take This Job — You’re Dead” ]
Dan Rather V/O: We spoke to Mike Wallace about these allegations.[ cut to Mike Wallace ]
Mike Wallace: You know, Dan — I wouldn’t do a thing like that![ camera pulls back to reveal hand-painted signs of a similar nature ]
Mike Wallace: Besides — it’s not even my handwriting![ cut to Dan Rather interviewing someone who’s face is obscured by a blue dot ]
Dan Rather V/O: We asked a trusted CBS employee about Mr. Wallace’s behavior. He asked not to be identified on camera.
Voice: [ obviously Walter Cronkite ] It’s clear from every eye, from Maine to Alaska, that Mike Wallace is a good reporter. But when it comes to women, it’s another matter ENTIRELY! You know, he’s a close friend of Harry Reasoner’s, and ever since Harry was viciously CASTRATED by Barbara Walters, Mike swore NEVER to work with a woman again![ cut to Dan Rather standing outside of Mike Wallace’s office ]
Dan Rather: Mike? We’d like to ask you a few questions.[ peeking through the door frame ] I’m not in! [ Mike Wallace shuts the door, then shoves a hand-painted “I’m Not In” sign under the door ]
Dan Rather: [ he picks up the sign and reads it ] “I’m No In”. [ he glares at the camera ] He’s not in![ return to live studio “No Babes In Newsland…” graphic ]
Dan Rather V/O: Since we last broadcast that story… we received a number of letters.[ letters appear on screen ]
A woman from Canoga Park California wrote: “…it was about time that you exposed this gross injustice.”
A gentlemen from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania said: “…I like it. But why don’t you do stories on important things: Like why there are no black hockey players?”
And this, from New York City: [ signed R. Mudd ] “…as usual Rather got his facts mixed up. I can’t believe an irresponsible Journalist like him is replacing Walter Cronkite.”[ dissolve to Dan Rather in front of the “No Babes In Newsland…” graphic ]
Dan Rather: I’m Dan Rather. Join us next week… for another edition… of “60 Minutes”.[ fade ]