SNL Transcripts: Karen Black: 01/17/81: 60 Minutes


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 7

80g: Karen Black / Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio

60 Minutes

Dan Rather…..Joe Piscopo
Bill Leonard…..Pete Fatovich
Heather Clark…..Jeannine Kerwin
Mike Wallace…..??

[ open on graphic of ticking clock ] [ dissolve to Dan Rather seated in front of “No Babes In Newsland…” graphic ]

Dan Rather: I’m Dan Rather… with another edition… of “60 Minutes”. In past shows, we’ve investigated everything from the Tunisian Gulf… to the Love Canal. Tonight, we take a look at ourselves. In a recent poll, it was disclosed that what IRKS most viewers of “60 Minutes”… is that there ARE… NO… WOMEN. We explain this phenomenon as we examine… No Babes… In Newsland.

[ cut to film footage of Dan Rather interviewing Bill Leonard ]

Dan Rather V/O: We talked to Bill Leonard, President of CBS News, about this situation.

Bill Leonard: There ARE women on “60 Minutes”! Ask anyone on the show!

Dan Rather: I AM on the show… and there ARE no women!

Bill Leonard: That’s because — that’s because 1 out of every 4 weeks, they wouldn’t be able to work! [ chuckling ] You know what I mean, Dan?

[ Dan Rather offers a stone-faced reaction ]

Bill Leonard: I mean, after all, Dan — we’re replacing you with a Black man. That’s practically the same thing!

[ cut to Dan Rather walking through the offices of “60 Minutes” ]

Dan Rather V/O: We decided to ask some of the women who work on the “60 Minutes” staff… why there are no women on the air. But we couldn’t find any women… here.

[ Dan Rather looks back at the desks dominated by male employees ] [ cut to male employees drinking coffee in the break room ]

Dan Rather V/O: — or here.

[ cut to Dan Rather standing in front of a women’s restroom ]

Dan Rather: — or here.

[ cut to Dan Rather interviewing Heather Clark ]

Dan Rather V/O: This is Heather Clark… award-winning journalist.

Heather Clark: I was almost hired by “60 Minutes” to be an acnhorperson, but it never materialized.

Dan Rather: Why not? What happened?

Heather Clark: [ she sighs heavily ] I don’t like to say this, but… I just have a feeling that Mike Wallace did not want me hired.

[ cut to Mike Wallace ]

Dan Rather V/O: So we spoke to Mike Wallace.

Mike Wallace: Ridiculous! Heather Clark is a fine journalist, and she’d be an asset to the show.

[ cut to Dan Rather speaking to Heather Clark ]

Dan Rather: Mike Wallace told us — and I quote — “Heather Clark” would “be an asset to the show.”

Heather Clark: Well, I just get the feeling that he did not want me hired.

Dan Rather: Why?

Heather Clark: Well, there’s this note I received.

[ she pulls out a large, painted note that reads: “Take This Job — You’re Dead” ]

Dan Rather V/O: We spoke to Mike Wallace about these allegations.

[ cut to Mike Wallace ]

Mike Wallace: You know, Dan — I wouldn’t do a thing like that!

[ camera pulls back to reveal hand-painted signs of a similar nature ]

Mike Wallace: Besides — it’s not even my handwriting!

[ cut to Dan Rather interviewing someone who’s face is obscured by a blue dot ]

Dan Rather V/O: We asked a trusted CBS employee about Mr. Wallace’s behavior. He asked not to be identified on camera.

Voice: [ obviously Walter Cronkite ] It’s clear from every eye, from Maine to Alaska, that Mike Wallace is a good reporter. But when it comes to women, it’s another matter ENTIRELY! You know, he’s a close friend of Harry Reasoner’s, and ever since Harry was viciously CASTRATED by Barbara Walters, Mike swore NEVER to work with a woman again!

[ cut to Dan Rather standing outside of Mike Wallace’s office ]

Dan Rather: Mike? We’d like to ask you a few questions.

[ peeking through the door frame ] I’m not in!

[ Mike Wallace shuts the door, then shoves a hand-painted “I’m Not In” sign under the door ]

Dan Rather: [ he picks up the sign and reads it ] “I’m No In”. [ he glares at the camera ] He’s not in!

[ return to live studio “No Babes In Newsland…” graphic ]

Dan Rather V/O: Since we last broadcast that story… we received a number of letters.

[ letters appear on screen ]

A woman from Canoga Park California wrote: “…it was about time that you exposed this gross injustice.”

A gentlemen from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania said: “…I like it. But why don’t you do stories on important things: Like why there are no black hockey players?”

And this, from New York City: [ signed R. Mudd ] “…as usual Rather got his facts mixed up. I can’t believe an irresponsible Journalist like him is replacing Walter Cronkite.”

[ dissolve to Dan Rather in front of the “No Babes In Newsland…” graphic ]

Dan Rather: I’m Dan Rather. Join us next week… for another edition… of “60 Minutes”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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