SNL Transcripts: Karen Black: 01/17/81: Paulie Herman at the Diner

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 7

80g: Karen Black / Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio

Paulie Herman at the Diner

Paulie Herman…..Joe Piscopo
Waitress…..Denny Dillon
Woman at booth…..Karen Black

[ open on interior, crowded diner ]

[ Jersey Guy Paulie Herman stands by a display of spinning pies ]

Paulie Herman: Woooowww! This sure is a nice place here! Yessiree! I bet all the baking’s done right on the premises! Oh, boy — I LOVE to eat out!

[ the Waitress steps up ]

Waitress: Hey, buddy — we don’t have much room, so you’re gonna have to share a booth.

Paulie Herman: [ excited ] Okay!

Waitress: [ to Woman at booth ] Lady, you mind sharing a booth with this guy?

Woman at Booth: It’s all right.

Waitress: Have a seat.

Paulie Herman: Thank you very much!

[ Paulie sits and tries to contain his excitement at dining with a beautiful lady ]

Paulie Herman: Hello! My name’s Paulie Herman.

Woman at Booth: Nice to meet you.

Paulie Herman: I’m from Jersey! [ he laughs maniacally ] Are you from Jersey? [ he laughs maniacally ] I’m from Jersey! [ he laughs maniacally ]

Woman at Booth: Heck, no — I’m from Dallas.

Paulie Herman: Woooowww! [ singing ] “Deep in the heart of Texas!”

Woman at Booth: Excuse me, but do you mind not singing while I’m digesting?

Paulie Herman: Oh. I’m sorry. [ he glances at the table ] Hey! We got a little jukebox here! We can listen to soem real music! Wow, they got a lot of contemporary artists! Look at that — Jerry Vale… Al Martino… Terrific! The Police! Hey — do you think Barney Miller’s with that group? [ he laughs maniacally ]

Woman at Booth: [ laughing ] That’s a good one!

Paulie Herman: Wow! Thank you very — So, uh… where in Dallas are you from?

Woman at Booth: Well… you know Preston Road?

Paulie Herman: No.

Woman at Booth: Uh — you know Allendale Lane?

Paulie Herman: No.

Woman at Booth: You ever been to Dallas?

Paulie Herman: No.

Woman at Booth: Let me ask you a question.

Paulie Herman: What?

Woman at Booth: What is that cologne you’re wearing?

Paulie Herman: Ethylchloride.

Woman at Booth: [ she laughs ] That’s a good one!

Paulie Herman: Yeah, we make it at the plant where I work! You know, I can proudly say that the chemical company I work for owns FOUR toxic waste dumps!

[ she laughs ]

Paulie Herman: Thank you very much!

[ the Waitress re-appears and hands Paulie a menu ]

Paulie Herman: Oh!

Waitress: You know what you want, buddy?

Paulie Herman: [ reading the cover of the menu ] This says the “Turnpike Diner”! Hey, what’s this — Last Cheesecake Before Exit?

[ he and she laugh maniacally ]

Waitress: I don’t have ALL DAY, pal!

Paulie Herman: Oh. Okay. I’d like an omelet, plain, on wheat toast, please.

Waitress: No wheat toast!

Paulie Herman: Why? Are you out of wheat toast?

Waitress: Don’t argue with me! You get WHITE toast with an OMELET!

Paulie Herman: [ meekly ] Okay.

Woman at Booth: But that ain’t what you want!

Paulie Herman: But that’s not what I want!

Woman at Booth: What he wants!

Waitress: Read the menu! It says: [ she opens the menu ] “No Substitutions!” You know? Can’t you read? Where you from?

Woman at Booth: He’s from Jersey.

[ Paulie laughs maniacally ]

Paulie Herman: Are you from Jersey! [ he laughs manaically and shakes his dining companion’s hand ]

Waitress: Hey, uh, listen you two! I don’t have all day to fool around!

Woman at Booth: Yeah, you know, all he wants is an omelet with whole wheat toast!

Waitress: You know, I’m tired of people coming in here, like you, and thinking they can CHANGE THE RULES!!

Paulie Herman: [ thinking ] You know… this reminds me of a movie I saw once…

Woman at Booth: Yeahhhh… [ she thinks about it ]

Paulie Herman: Nah… Nah!

Waitress: [ impatiently ] You gonna ORDER, or what?!

Woman at Booth: Let me see if I can do it… [ in her best Nicholson voice ] Bring him a plain omelet —

Waitress: Plain omelet.

Woman at Booth: Bring him a chicken salad sandwich on whole wheat toast, with lettuce, mayonnaisse and tomatoes. you got that?

Waitress: Yes!

Woman at Booth: Good! Now, hold the tomatoes… hold the lettuce… hold the mayonnaisse… hold the chicken between your knees, and BRING THIS MAN HIS WHOLE WHEAT TOAST!!!

Waitress: [ fuming ] Alright! Alright!

Woman at Booth: HALLELUAH!! One more thing.

Waitress: Yes?

[ the woman thrusts the contents of the table onto the floor ]

Woman at Booth: [ to Paulie ] You gotta know how to handle ’em, honey!

Paulie Herman: [ impressed ] Wooowwww!! Wooowwww!! Woooowwww!!

Woman at Booth: I know a better place down the street!

Paulie Herman: Yeah?

Woman at Booth: Let’s get out of here!

Paulie Herman: Oh, yes!

Woman at Booth: It’s kind of messy anyway around here.’

[ they exit the diner as the Waitress yells after them ]

[ the camera pans upward into the audience, and zooms in on man with SUPER: “This Man Has Ruined His Chair” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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