SNL Transcripts: Karen Black: 01/17/81: Paulie Herman at the Diner

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 7

80g: Karen Black / Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio

Paulie Herman at the Diner

Paulie Herman…..Joe Piscopo
Waitress…..Denny Dillon
Woman at booth…..Karen Black

[ open on interior, crowded diner ] [ Jersey Guy Paulie Herman stands by a display of spinning pies ]

Paulie Herman: Woooowww! This sure is a nice place here! Yessiree! I bet all the baking’s done right on the premises! Oh, boy — I LOVE to eat out!

[ the Waitress steps up ]

Waitress: Hey, buddy — we don’t have much room, so you’re gonna have to share a booth.

Paulie Herman: [ excited ] Okay!

Waitress: [ to Woman at booth ] Lady, you mind sharing a booth with this guy?

Woman at Booth: It’s all right.

Waitress: Have a seat.

Paulie Herman: Thank you very much!

[ Paulie sits and tries to contain his excitement at dining with a beautiful lady ]

Paulie Herman: Hello! My name’s Paulie Herman.

Woman at Booth: Nice to meet you.

Paulie Herman: I’m from Jersey! [ he laughs maniacally ] Are you from Jersey? [ he laughs maniacally ] I’m from Jersey! [ he laughs maniacally ]

Woman at Booth: Heck, no — I’m from Dallas.

Paulie Herman: Woooowww! [ singing ] “Deep in the heart of Texas!”

Woman at Booth: Excuse me, but do you mind not singing while I’m digesting?

Paulie Herman: Oh. I’m sorry. [ he glances at the table ] Hey! We got a little jukebox here! We can listen to soem real music! Wow, they got a lot of contemporary artists! Look at that — Jerry Vale… Al Martino… Terrific! The Police! Hey — do you think Barney Miller’s with that group? [ he laughs maniacally ]

Woman at Booth: [ laughing ] That’s a good one!

Paulie Herman: Wow! Thank you very — So, uh… where in Dallas are you from?

Woman at Booth: Well… you know Preston Road?

Paulie Herman: No.

Woman at Booth: Uh — you know Allendale Lane?

Paulie Herman: No.

Woman at Booth: You ever been to Dallas?

Paulie Herman: No.

Woman at Booth: Let me ask you a question.

Paulie Herman: What?

Woman at Booth: What is that cologne you’re wearing?

Paulie Herman: Ethylchloride.

Woman at Booth: [ she laughs ] That’s a good one!

Paulie Herman: Yeah, we make it at the plant where I work! You know, I can proudly say that the chemical company I work for owns FOUR toxic waste dumps!

[ she laughs ]

Paulie Herman: Thank you very much!

[ the Waitress re-appears and hands Paulie a menu ]

Paulie Herman: Oh!

Waitress: You know what you want, buddy?

Paulie Herman: [ reading the cover of the menu ] This says the “Turnpike Diner”! Hey, what’s this — Last Cheesecake Before Exit?

[ he and she laugh maniacally ]

Waitress: I don’t have ALL DAY, pal!

Paulie Herman: Oh. Okay. I’d like an omelet, plain, on wheat toast, please.

Waitress: No wheat toast!

Paulie Herman: Why? Are you out of wheat toast?

Waitress: Don’t argue with me! You get WHITE toast with an OMELET!

Paulie Herman: [ meekly ] Okay.

Woman at Booth: But that ain’t what you want!

Paulie Herman: But that’s not what I want!

Woman at Booth: What he wants!

Waitress: Read the menu! It says: [ she opens the menu ] “No Substitutions!” You know? Can’t you read? Where you from?

Woman at Booth: He’s from Jersey.

[ Paulie laughs maniacally ]

Paulie Herman: Are you from Jersey! [ he laughs manaically and shakes his dining companion’s hand ]

Waitress: Hey, uh, listen you two! I don’t have all day to fool around!

Woman at Booth: Yeah, you know, all he wants is an omelet with whole wheat toast!

Waitress: You know, I’m tired of people coming in here, like you, and thinking they can CHANGE THE RULES!!

Paulie Herman: [ thinking ] You know… this reminds me of a movie I saw once…

Woman at Booth: Yeahhhh… [ she thinks about it ]

Paulie Herman: Nah… Nah!

Waitress: [ impatiently ] You gonna ORDER, or what?!

Woman at Booth: Let me see if I can do it… [ in her best Nicholson voice ] Bring him a plain omelet —

Waitress: Plain omelet.

Woman at Booth: Bring him a chicken salad sandwich on whole wheat toast, with lettuce, mayonnaisse and tomatoes. you got that?

Waitress: Yes!

Woman at Booth: Good! Now, hold the tomatoes… hold the lettuce… hold the mayonnaisse… hold the chicken between your knees, and BRING THIS MAN HIS WHOLE WHEAT TOAST!!!

Waitress: [ fuming ] Alright! Alright!

Woman at Booth: HALLELUAH!! One more thing.

Waitress: Yes?

[ the woman thrusts the contents of the table onto the floor ]

Woman at Booth: [ to Paulie ] You gotta know how to handle ’em, honey!

Paulie Herman: [ impressed ] Wooowwww!! Wooowwww!! Woooowwww!!

Woman at Booth: I know a better place down the street!

Paulie Herman: Yeah?

Woman at Booth: Let’s get out of here!

Paulie Herman: Oh, yes!

Woman at Booth: It’s kind of messy anyway around here.’

[ they exit the diner as the Waitress yells after them ] [ the camera pans upward into the audience, and zooms in on man with SUPER: “This Man Has Ruined His Chair” ] [ fade ]

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