SNL Transcripts: Karen Black: 01/17/81: Mona Lisa in Love


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 7

80g: Karen Black / Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio

Mona Lisa in Love

Mona Lisa…..Karen Black
Security Guard…..Charles Rocket
Voice of Painting…..Denny Dillon

[ open on interior, art museum, after hours as Security Guard walks past a row of paintings ]

Mona Lisa: Hello, darling. [ the Security Guard stops ] Where were you last night?

Security Guard: Aw, come on, Mona… let’s not talk about it, okay?

Mona Lisa: Can we try it again?

Security Guard: [ he sighs ] It’s not going to work.

Mona Lisa: Just… one more time.

Security Guard: Okay. For you, anything.

[ he reaches his hand around her neck and tries to pull her free from the picture frame, to no avail ]

Mona Lisa: Ugh! It’s no use! You’ll never get me out of this picture.

Security Guard: Oh…

Mona Lisa: Cheer me up, Eduardo!

Security Guard: I can’t! I’m just so exhausted!

Mona Lisa: Please?

Security Guard: Alright.

[ she seductively places a green apple in her mouth ]

Security Guard: [ singing ] “Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa, men have –” Awwww, gee! Let’s just face facts — this relationship’s not going anywhere!

Mona Lisa: Oh, that’s because you never take me out of here! I’m SICK of being cooped up in this stupid frame!

Security Guard: Oh, you’re tense again, aren’t you? Is it your back? [ he massages her neck ]

Mona Lisa: Oh, thank you, darling. I’ve been talking to Madonna With Child over there.

Security Guard: Yeah?

Mona Lisa: And… I want a baby!

Security Guard: A BABY?! Come on, Mona — you’re living in a dream world! You know? We’re not meant for each other! It’s over.

Mona Lisa: Over?! You can’t break up with me! I’m a MASTERPIECE!

Security Guard: Hey, you’re a FOX, all right… but I just can’t figure you out.

Mona Lisa: [ smiling ] You nincompoop! That’s what people love about me! I know what it is. It’s-a my LEGS! You wish… I had legs, don’t you?

Security Guard: Ohhh… it’s not that. It’s just that… oh… I’m seeing somebody else.

Mona Lisa: A younger woman?

Security Guard: 19th Century.

Mona Lisa: Legs?

Security Guard: Well, it’s one of Renoir’s nudes. I mean… I met her at a Degas dance.

Mona Lisa: Edward! How can you?! Those SLUTS! With little tiny brush strokes, no DEPTH at all! They’re FAKES!! Every one of them!

Security Guard: Oh! Don’t be so judgmental! It’s just that they’re lbierated, and you’re not! I mean, you’re SO old-fashioned! You’ve been sitting in the same old place all this time.

Voice of Painting: Will you two PIPE DOWN?! Some of us here would like to SLEEP!!

Security Guard: Hey, who’s that?

Mona Lisa: Oh, that’s just Whistler’s Mother. [ calling out ] Drop DEAD, you old prune-a-rama! You’re off your rocker!

Security Guard: Well, Mona… it’s time for me to get going. But I want you to know that… I’ve always loved you, and I-I’ll always love you… and I know how you complained about never having any new clothes to wear, so I-I got something especially for you. It’s just to show you how much I care. I want you to have this. [ he hands her a cowboy hat ] Everybody’s wearing them!

Mona Lisa: [ smiling ] Thank you, Edwardo! [ she puts the hat on her head ] I wanted to look like all of those nincompoops who are looking at me.

Security Guard: Well… this is goodbye. I mean, someone new will come along. I-I-I-I mean, men come from all over the WORLD just to see you! Now, come on… cheer up. Come on, smile. [ Mona shakes her head with a pout ] Give me the Mona Lisa smile.

[ Mona holds her head up high and grins ]

Security Guard: Ahhh! That’s my Mona Lisa! Arrivederci!

[ he blows Mona a kiss, as she purses her lips ] [ the Security Guard continues along his rounds, as the camera pans back with SUPER: “Coming Up: Drive-Up Sperm Banks” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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