Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 7
Mona Lisa in Love
Mona Lisa…..Karen Black
Security Guard…..Charles Rocket
Voice of Painting…..Denny Dillon
[ open on interior, art museum, after hours as Security Guard walks past a row of paintings ]
Mona Lisa: Hello, darling. [ the Security Guard stops ] Where were you last night?
Security Guard: Aw, come on, Mona… let’s not talk about it, okay?
Mona Lisa: Can we try it again?
Security Guard: [ he sighs ] It’s not going to work.
Mona Lisa: Just… one more time.
Security Guard: Okay. For you, anything.[ he reaches his hand around her neck and tries to pull her free from the picture frame, to no avail ]
Mona Lisa: Ugh! It’s no use! You’ll never get me out of this picture.
Security Guard: Oh…
Mona Lisa: Cheer me up, Eduardo!
Security Guard: I can’t! I’m just so exhausted!
Mona Lisa: Please?
Security Guard: Alright.[ she seductively places a green apple in her mouth ]
Security Guard: [ singing ] “Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa, men have –” Awwww, gee! Let’s just face facts — this relationship’s not going anywhere!
Mona Lisa: Oh, that’s because you never take me out of here! I’m SICK of being cooped up in this stupid frame!
Security Guard: Oh, you’re tense again, aren’t you? Is it your back? [ he massages her neck ]
Mona Lisa: Oh, thank you, darling. I’ve been talking to Madonna With Child over there.
Security Guard: Yeah?
Mona Lisa: And… I want a baby!
Security Guard: A BABY?! Come on, Mona — you’re living in a dream world! You know? We’re not meant for each other! It’s over.
Mona Lisa: Over?! You can’t break up with me! I’m a MASTERPIECE!
Security Guard: Hey, you’re a FOX, all right… but I just can’t figure you out.
Mona Lisa: [ smiling ] You nincompoop! That’s what people love about me! I know what it is. It’s-a my LEGS! You wish… I had legs, don’t you?
Security Guard: Ohhh… it’s not that. It’s just that… oh… I’m seeing somebody else.
Mona Lisa: A younger woman?
Security Guard: 19th Century.
Mona Lisa: Legs?
Security Guard: Well, it’s one of Renoir’s nudes. I mean… I met her at a Degas dance.
Mona Lisa: Edward! How can you?! Those SLUTS! With little tiny brush strokes, no DEPTH at all! They’re FAKES!! Every one of them!
Security Guard: Oh! Don’t be so judgmental! It’s just that they’re lbierated, and you’re not! I mean, you’re SO old-fashioned! You’ve been sitting in the same old place all this time.
Voice of Painting: Will you two PIPE DOWN?! Some of us here would like to SLEEP!!
Security Guard: Hey, who’s that?
Mona Lisa: Oh, that’s just Whistler’s Mother. [ calling out ] Drop DEAD, you old prune-a-rama! You’re off your rocker!
Security Guard: Well, Mona… it’s time for me to get going. But I want you to know that… I’ve always loved you, and I-I’ll always love you… and I know how you complained about never having any new clothes to wear, so I-I got something especially for you. It’s just to show you how much I care. I want you to have this. [ he hands her a cowboy hat ] Everybody’s wearing them!
Mona Lisa: [ smiling ] Thank you, Edwardo! [ she puts the hat on her head ] I wanted to look like all of those nincompoops who are looking at me.
Security Guard: Well… this is goodbye. I mean, someone new will come along. I-I-I-I mean, men come from all over the WORLD just to see you! Now, come on… cheer up. Come on, smile. [ Mona shakes her head with a pout ] Give me the Mona Lisa smile.[ Mona holds her head up high and grins ]
Security Guard: Ahhh! That’s my Mona Lisa! Arrivederci![ he blows Mona a kiss, as she purses her lips ] [ the Security Guard continues along his rounds, as the camera pans back with SUPER: “Coming Up: Drive-Up Sperm Banks” ] [ fade ]