Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 7
Woman from 6F…..Yvonne Hudson
Man from 6E…..Eddie Murphy
Man from 6F…..??
[ open on interior, apartment hallway, music blaring from Apartment 6E as the woman in Apartment 6F steps into the hallway ]
Woman from 6F: [ pounding on door ] Will you shut that damn thing off?! [ she pounds harder ] I KNOW you’re in there!
[ the Man from 6E opens his door ]
Woman from 6F: Nigger, are you DEAF?!
Man from 6E: No, I ain’t DEAF! You got a problem under that big GAP between your TEETH?!
Woman from 6F: YEAH, I got a problem! My apartment’s too SMALL! You think my family could move into your NOSE?!
Man from 6E: [ mildly offended ] Hey, my nose ain’t big.
Woman from 6F: Oh, no? Well, I got news for you — your FACE… is shrinking.
Man from 6E: Hey, look — I don’t appreciate you coming out here and doing that. Your face is getting ready to SWELL. Okay?
Woman from 6F: Well, I don’t appreciate YOU blasting that music! I got to get up and go to work in the morning! I need my BEAUTY sleep, you know?
Man from 6E: Oh, yeah — you DO need your beauty sleep! In fact, you SHOULD be hibernating, ’cause I bet you need about three or four MONTHS’ worth of beauty sleep!
Woman from 6F: Well, personally, I don’t CARE what you think! ‘Cause I got a man in here who KNOWS I look good!
Man from 6E: Your man think you look good?
Woman from 6F: Yeah!
Man from 6E: Well, who is he — Ray Charles? Stevie Wonder?
Woman from 6F: Listen, you JIVE-TIME, minimum-wage-making, welfare-taking LOSER! How would you like to spend the night out here with your face in the steps?!
Man from 6E: WHAT?! You gonna make — you come out of your apartment, THREATEN me, make me turn my music down, THEN you telling me you’re gonna knock me out?! Go on and knock me out, then! I WANT to sleep out on the steps!
Woman from 6F: Not me, baby! I take my MAN to help take care of that!
Man from 6E: Well, go get your man! Go GET your man! [ he pokes his head back into his apartment ] Say, fool! Turn that music UP! TURN THE MUSIC ALL THE WAY UP!!
[ the music blasts louder ]
Man from 6E: SHE’S GOING TO GET HER MAN!! HA HA HA HA!! YEAH!! THAT’S WHAT I SAY!! TURN IT UP!! I WANY EVERYBODY TO HEAR IT!!
[ suddenly, a large, musclebound man appears in the hall with his arms folded ]
Man from 6E: TURN IT — [ his eyes grow wide at the sight if him ] DOWN!!! YEAH!! TURN IT DOWN, TONY!! ALL THE WAY, DOWN!! PUT IT ON 10!! PUT IT ON ZERO!!
[ the music abruptly turns off ]
Man from 6E: AND, UH — GET MY LUGGAGE READY!! THANKS! YEAH! [ he turns to face the music ] Uh — Uh — BROTHER! Uh — you know! You know, I was thinking, um — um — You have a beautiful lady, man, first of all, and I hope that we weren’t doing anything to upset y’all, or wake you up. I know she needs her sleep, and I hope… this… this… I hope… you won’t get NO more troubles out of me! [ he tries to smile innocently ] Brother! [ he holds out his hands ] Give me five!
[ the Man from 6F just gives 6E a dirty look and lets him look like an idiot before he and his wife exit back into their apartment ]
[ the Man from 6E looks like he’s going to have a heart attack, then slowly shrinks back into his apartment ]
[ suddenly, with one last bout of defiance, the Man from 6E pokes his head out of his apartment and spits on the door to Apartment 6F and disappears back into his own apartment ]
[ fade ]