Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 7
Woman from 6F…..Yvonne Hudson
Man from 6E…..Eddie Murphy
Man from 6F…..??
[ open on interior, apartment hallway, music blaring from Apartment 6E as the woman in Apartment 6F steps into the hallway ]
Woman from 6F: [ pounding on door ] Will you shut that damn thing off?! [ she pounds harder ] I KNOW you’re in there![ the Man from 6E opens his door ]
Woman from 6F: Nigger, are you DEAF?!
Man from 6E: No, I ain’t DEAF! You got a problem under that big GAP between your TEETH?!
Woman from 6F: YEAH, I got a problem! My apartment’s too SMALL! You think my family could move into your NOSE?!
Man from 6E: [ mildly offended ] Hey, my nose ain’t big.
Woman from 6F: Oh, no? Well, I got news for you — your FACE… is shrinking.
Man from 6E: Hey, look — I don’t appreciate you coming out here and doing that. Your face is getting ready to SWELL. Okay?
Woman from 6F: Well, I don’t appreciate YOU blasting that music! I got to get up and go to work in the morning! I need my BEAUTY sleep, you know?
Man from 6E: Oh, yeah — you DO need your beauty sleep! In fact, you SHOULD be hibernating, ’cause I bet you need about three or four MONTHS’ worth of beauty sleep!
Woman from 6F: Well, personally, I don’t CARE what you think! ‘Cause I got a man in here who KNOWS I look good!
Man from 6E: Your man think you look good?
Woman from 6F: Yeah!
Man from 6E: Well, who is he — Ray Charles? Stevie Wonder?
Woman from 6F: Listen, you JIVE-TIME, minimum-wage-making, welfare-taking LOSER! How would you like to spend the night out here with your face in the steps?!
Man from 6E: WHAT?! You gonna make — you come out of your apartment, THREATEN me, make me turn my music down, THEN you telling me you’re gonna knock me out?! Go on and knock me out, then! I WANT to sleep out on the steps!
Woman from 6F: Not me, baby! I take my MAN to help take care of that!
Man from 6E: Well, go get your man! Go GET your man! [ he pokes his head back into his apartment ] Say, fool! Turn that music UP! TURN THE MUSIC ALL THE WAY UP!![ the music blasts louder ]
Man from 6E: SHE’S GOING TO GET HER MAN!! HA HA HA HA!! YEAH!! THAT’S WHAT I SAY!! TURN IT UP!! I WANY EVERYBODY TO HEAR IT!![ suddenly, a large, musclebound man appears in the hall with his arms folded ]
Man from 6E: TURN IT — [ his eyes grow wide at the sight if him ] DOWN!!! YEAH!! TURN IT DOWN, TONY!! ALL THE WAY, DOWN!! PUT IT ON 10!! PUT IT ON ZERO!![ the music abruptly turns off ]
Man from 6E: AND, UH — GET MY LUGGAGE READY!! THANKS! YEAH! [ he turns to face the music ] Uh — Uh — BROTHER! Uh — you know! You know, I was thinking, um — um — You have a beautiful lady, man, first of all, and I hope that we weren’t doing anything to upset y’all, or wake you up. I know she needs her sleep, and I hope… this… this… I hope… you won’t get NO more troubles out of me! [ he tries to smile innocently ] Brother! [ he holds out his hands ] Give me five!