Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 7
The Rocket Report
Announcer: [ over BLACK ] And now… “The Rocket Report”.
[ dissolve to Charles Rocket leaning over the railing of a tall building ]
Charles Rocket: Have you ever looked over the edge of a tall building, and wondered what it would be like to jump? [ he leans up and stands properly to address the camera ] And, down there, those people would actually spend time and money trying to figure out how to manage just such a jump, just so they can cash that BIG check made payable to them by one of the Big Three television networks. Hi! Charles Rocket, overlooking midtown Manhattan from 50 stories up, thinking about those thrillseeker-daredevil-stuntpeople shows, and wondering why New York’s finest daredevils have managed to escape the attention THEY deserve. For in New York City, there’s a rare breed of daredevil, indeed.
[ dissolve to Hasidic jeweler walking down the street ]
Charles Rocket V/O: Like the Hasidic jeweler, who carries priceless gems in a simple shopping bag!
[ dissolve to drug dealer working a sale ]
Charles Rocket V/O: Or the drug dealers, who conduct business on the street, risking arrest every day!
[ dissolve to bum urinating on the side of a building ]
Charles Rocket V/O: And the bum, who LAUGHS in the face of humiliation with his open-book lifestyle.
[ dissolve to cab driver Rich Schmaltz behind the wheel ]
Charles Rocket V/O: The list is almost endless. On it, this man, whose daily life as a New York cabbie calls for stunt driving that would make the aveage motorist’s hair stand on end. His name is Richard Schmaltz.
Charles Rocket: Richard, how long have you been driving a cab?
Rich Schmaltz: Nine years.
Charles Rocket: And it’s true what they say about New York cabbies — you really have to pull some serious moves every once in a while, don’t you?
Rich Schmaltz: Every once in a while!
Charles Rocket: Could you handle a, uh — let’s say a left hand turn at a traffic light, from the extreme right-hand lane, cutting across three, and possibly four, lanes of traffic?
Rich Schmaltz: Yes.
Charles Rocket: You can handle that?
Rich Schmaltz: Yeah, that could be handled.
[ Charles holds up a diagram for the camera ]
Charles Rocket: Okay, here’s the move Richard has agreed to perform for us: He’s going to position himself at this far right-hand lane… next to three other lanes of traffic. His move? Make that left-hand turn this way, cutting his way in front of 1, 2, 3 lanes of opposing traffic. Rich, what are you gonna do?
Rich Schmaltz: You gotta use your mirrors… you gotta use your eyes at the same time. [ Charles nods ] As you’re stepping on the gas and the brake at the same time. Yuo have to be VERY sure of yourself. The slightest hesitation can cause you to smack-up.
Charles Rocket V/O: A SMACK-UP, Rich predicts, IF there’s even the slightest hesitation. Let’s find out how well he does when he performs this move.
Charles Rocket: Here he goes!
[ Rich cuts off the three lanes of traffic, as horns honk and another driver yells at him ]
Charles Rocket: As he looks around, actually cutting through — right across in front of the traffic, and now down — you ran the light, didn’t you?
Rich Schmaltz: [ proudly ] I ran the light!
[ the audience cheers ]
Charles Rocket: Is that the only way you can do that move?
Rich Schmaltz: It’s the ONLY way you can do that move!
Charles Rocket: You wouldn’t suggest this for any young viewers, would you?
Rich Schmaltz: No! No. Never. It’s very dangerous, really hazardous to have driving.
[ cut to Charles exiting the cab ]
Charles Rocket: Rich Scmaltz. Oh, hey — a little eyebrow-wipe there for THAT excitement, huh? I almost DIED in that car! Are you kidding me? Rich Schmaltz! He’s a real daredevil, here in New York. i’m Charles Rocket, reminding you that everybody’s a daredevil. Watch your step.
[ Charles walks off down the street, as we fade ]