Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 7
Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail Matthius
Mary Lou James…..Ann Risley
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with co-anchors Charles Rocket and Gail Matthius.
Charles Rocket: Good evening, I’m Charles Rocket. Here now, the news:
Our top story: Pictured here leaving the White House, for one of his last times, President Carter. This next photograph captures President-elect Ronald Reagan’s reaction!
Well, during the Senate confirmation hearings, Alexander “General” Haig — General Alexander Haig said that the MX missile is the key to our country’s defense. Here, we see Mr. Haig swallowing that key. Later, when asked about the neutron bomb, he replied: “No, I don’t believe in using a weapon designed to destroy only human life. After all, part of the fun is watching the BUILDINGS blow up!”
Well, President-elect Ronald Reagan was presented with this seven-year old Arabian stallion by the President of Mexico. When the stallion got to Los Angeles, the animal turned out to be two illegal aliens in a horsie suit. Well, Mrs. Reagan, always sharp, said: “Hey! Let’s keep them anyway — good help is always hard to find!”
Charles Rocket: Of course, we’d like to remind our viewers here in New York and in New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Delaware that a drought emergency is in effect. Non-essential uses of water HAVE been banned. So, to help out, I’ve been switching from Scotch and water to Scotch and soda. [ he pours a mixed drink ] How about you, Gail?
Gail Matthius: Straight up, Charlie!
Charles Rocket: Straight up, Gail.
Gail Matthius: Edward Kennedy, Jr. is seen here leaving a —
[ Charlie pushes over a glass of Scotch for Gail ]
Gail Matthius: Thanks.
Charles Rocket: You bet, Gail.
Gail Matthius: Cheers. [ she sips the Scotch and grimaces ] Whoo!
Edward Kennedy, Jr. is seen here leaving a courtroom, Wednesday, after responding to charges of speeding. Traces of marijuana were also found in the car, as shown here. Kennedy’s father, Sen. Ted Kennedy, stated: “I don’t know what happened — I taught him to drive!”
Now we’ll go to our Health Editor, Mary Lou James, who has some diet tips for us. So, Mary Lou, you say it’s not what you eat… it’s how you eat it?
Mary Lou James: That’s right, Gail. For example: One little trick I’ve found is if you put the SAME amount of food on a SMALLER plate, it seems like more. [ she chuckles ] Well, this works great if you’re a complete MORON who can’t tell that the dish is smaller! But why go halfway? I mean, why not spread the food out all over the table? I mean, then it REALLY seems like a lot! And why stop there, Gail? I mean, if you take each little leaf of lettuce and put each one in a different room of your house, it REALLY seems like a lot to eat! I mean, you’d think you were never gonna FINISH, you know!
Gail Matthius: Ah, that’s amazing!
Mary Lou James: Now — now, have you ever tried eating looking through a magnifying glass? I mean, you really think you’re chowing down when you eat peas that look like BASEBALLS! I mean, TWO of them could make a whole meal, or something! Of course, though, Gail, the catch here, as with all of these tips, is that you really have to be pretty stupid not to figure them out.
Gail Matthius: Yeah! Yeah, that’s right, Mary Ann.
Mary Lou James: Yeah.
Gail Matthius: Mary Lou — sorry!
Mary Lou James: Right.
[ Mary Lou glances at Gail, who offers no further response before continuing on to the next story ]
Gail Matthius: The cold wave continued to sweep the East. Many residents were without heat. A Bronx woman saw this sight this morning when she lifted up her toilet seat.
A profound population shift that will alter the face of our nation is now under way. Here now is a special filmed report.
[ dissolve to black-and-white title card: “Rush To The Sunbelt” ]
[ cut to blck-and-white stock film footage ]
Narrator V/O: By plane! By boat! By cab! Often in TOO big a hurry. Americans RUSH to escape the pollution and decay of the northeastern cities for the carefree lifestyle of the Sunbelt! Although not everyone reaches this promised land, some lose their way and find themselves starting a new life in the Snowbelt.
Meanwhile, fearful of chaos in the Sunbelt, the government acts to discourage human refugees and persons considered “undesirable”. But in the Sunbelt, long lines of people waiting hours for sunglasses point out the lack of central services in this now-popular region.
Of course, when it was first conceived, the ‘Belt looked less-than-inviting, and was sparsely inhabited until 1972, when scientists added the sun, transforming this no-man’s land into a Shangri-la for MILLIONS.
[ cut back to Gail at the news desk ]
Gail Matthius: It sure is tempting, huh, Charlie?
Charles Rocket: Yes, it is, Gail. Very definitely. But, uh, never with a co-worker, okay?
In a plan to boost auto sales, Chrysler, today, announced their new line of edibile tires. They come in two flavors: Plain and Frosted.
Well, of course, the new look for owmen who wish to protect themselves from sexual harrassment was introduced by Halston this week. Keep that in mind.
And, of course, there’s a BIG story in Sports this week, as in every week. And here to tell us about it, is our own Joe Piscopo! Joe?
Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Charlie! Hello, everybody, once again! Joe Piscopo, LIVE, Saturday Night Sports! The big story! Super Bowl! Tickets! Scalping! Owners! Players! Forty dollar tickets being sold for FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS! Average fan left out in cold! Incredible! Outrageous! unfair! [ he reaches inside his jacket for a pair of tickets ] THINK about it! TWO tickets! Football! Eagles! Raiders! Super Bowl! 50 yard line! New Orleans! Bourbon Street! Drinking! PARRRRRTY!! Call! Now! Best! Offer! Cash! Only! Joe Piscopo, Saturday Night Sports! Charlie!
Charles Rocket: Thank you, Joe! Thanks much!
Well, preparations for the Inaugural celebration are in full swing. [ Joe Piscopo’s hand holds the Super Bowl tickets in front of Charlie’s face ] It’s the la — it’s the la — l-l-la — [ Charlie has to catch his breath, until the tickets disappear from view ] Preparations for the Inaugural celebration are in full swing. It’s the latest — the largest gala ever, and Hollywood’s BIGGEST stars are turning out! Catch this! Bob Hope, Johnny Carson, Elizabeth Taylor and Frank Sinatra will ALL be performing! Plus: The Herald Trumpeters of the U.S. Army Marching Band and the mormon Tabernacle Choir! And that’s not all! Yes! Pope Paul is sending over the College of Cardinals Barber Shop Quartet! But, WAIT! FRom ENGLAND — Prince Charles will do HAND SHADOWS on Princess Ann’s back! THERE’S MORE!! In a SPECIAL performance, Sen. Strom Thurmond will JUGGLE HIS GALL STONES!! Wait a minute! As a SECIAL celebrity sports tribute, Ray Charles will box FIFTEEN ROUNDS with Stevie Wonder! THERE’S MORE!! Then Nancy Reagan will stand in front of the entire throng, and, after a HUGE fanfare and drum roll, Nancy Reagan will attempt to CHANGE THE EXPRESSION ON HER FACE!!! Whoo! Quite a dedication!
Back to you, Gail!
Gail Matthius: The new President and First-Lady took their first trip this week in the luxurious presidential motorhome: Winnebago One. George Bush followed behind in U-Haul Two.
Well, it was the conservatives vs. liberals in the Senate this week, but Alexander Haig refused to be intimidated by liberal senator Jacob Javits, despite the fact that Javits has grown over four feet since losing the election last Fall.
And today the White House released the new family portrait.
On the celeb front, opera star Lucianna Pavaratti, dining in New York today, sneezed, blowing the Russian Tea Room OUT into the street.
In show business, Clint Eastwood started shooting his latest feature, entitled “Any Old Film You Can Stand”.
Charles Rocket: Of course, we’re all dying to know what Nancy Reagan will be wearing to the Inaugural Ball. Well, “Weekend Update” has obtained exclusive access to the original designer sketches of the gown Nancy will wear. Let’s take a look: [ cartoonish drawing appears on screen ] Beautiful, isn’t it? Just lovely. Yes, Nancy’s taste ALWAYS on the money! But what will Nancy look like wearing this particular gown? Well, thanks to the skillful talents and high technological of our staff artist, we’ve been able to come up with a compiled drawing — a composite picture of Nancy wearing the designer dress. Let’s look at it: [ Nancy’s head on cartoon image ] Yes, there she is! Nancy Reagan as she will appear in all her splendor next Tuesday night!
For Gail Matthius and the entire “Weekend Update” team, I’m Charles Rocket. That’s the news. Godo night, and… watch out!