SNL Transcripts: Robert Hays: 11/15/80: Sports Organist at a Funeral


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 8

80h: Robert Hays / Joe “King” Carrasco & The Crowns, 14 Karat Soul

Sports Organist at a Funeral

Mr. Ziegler…..Charles Rocket
Mrs. Denton…..Denny Dillon
Fletcher…..Matthew Laurence
Organist…..Harry Osborne
Herbert, the Deceased…..Gilbert Gottfried

[ open on interior, funeral parlor ] [ Mr. Ziegler solemnly approaches the widow ]

Mr. Ziegler: Mrs. Denton. I — on behalf of the Ziegler Brothers, I just want to thank you for choosing us in your time of grief.

Mrs. Denton: You were the people that Herbert wanted.

Mr. Ziegler: Well, everything seems to be going to plan. There’s just one small problem — our regular organist is sick. But as soon as the replacement comes, then we’ll get on with the program. Excuse me while I… check.

[ he stands and crosses over to Fletcher ]

Mr. Ziegler: Look — where IS this guy, anyway?!

Fletcher: He should be here any minute.

Mr. Ziegler: Well, I hope he’s experienced in these matters!

Fletcher: Oh! Oh, he’s one of the BEST! He’s the main guy at Madison Square Garden — he plays at all the hockey and basketball games.

Mr. Ziegler: Well, I wish he’d just GET here!

[ suddenly, Harry Osborne, the substitute organist, rushes in ]

Organist: Mr. Ziegler, I’m Harry Osborne, the organ player.

Mr. Ziegler: Fine, fine… thank God you’re here! I thought you’d NEVER get here!

Organist: Oh, sorry I’m late, but the Knicks went into overtime —

Mr. Ziegler: Fletcher, show him the organ! Let’s get started!

[ Fletcher pulls Harry Osborne over to the organ, as Mr. Ziegler approaches the widow ]

Mr. Ziegler: I’m… so sorry, Mrs. Denton. Now that the organist is here, we can get on with the program. I might add that you’ve chosen a wonderful program — short… yet dignified.

Mrs. Denton: Herbert wanted it that way.

Mr. Ziegler: Yes.

[ Mr. Ziegler stands off to the side and nods for Harry Osborne to begin ] [ Harry Osborne pipes out “The Star-Spangled Banner”, as the mourners rise ]

Mr. Ziegler: STOP IT!! STOP IT!! What are you doing, you fool?!

Organist: Well, you said to get started!

Mr. Ziegler: Well, for crying out loud! This is a FUNERAL! Play something appropriate!

[ Mr. Ziegler leans down toward the widow ]

Mr. Ziegler: I’m… so sorry, Mrs. Denton. There seems to be some… mix-up with the organist.

[ Mr. Ziegler stands off to the side and nods for Harry Osborne to begin ] [ Harry Osborne pipes out the opening notes to “Charge!” ]

Mr. Ziegler: Wait a second!! This isn’t a pep rally! It’s a FUNERAL!!

Organist: Well, I know — but I wanted to cheer the people up!

Mr. Ziegler: They don’t WANT to cheered up! Play a nice soft song!

[ the widow stands ]

Mrs. Denton: Mr. Ziegler… that man is disturbing me. I know that Herbert didn’t want this. This is not dignified, like your brochure said.

Mr. Ziegler: You’re quite right. I’m… so sorry. Please! I — I — I think I’ve straightened everything out, so don’t worry. Sit down.

[ she returns to her seat, as Mr. Ziegler nods for Harry Osborne to begin ]

Mrs. Denton: I’ve heard ENOUGH, Mr. Ziegler! And I don’t want to hear any more!

[ she closes the casket, as Harry Osborne rolls a flourish ]

Mr. Ziegler: Please, please, Mrs. Denton! It’s alright!

[ he opens the casket, as Harry Osborne rolls a flourish ]

Mrs. Denton: I’ve had just about enough! I’m getting Herbert OUT of here — NOW!!

[ she motions for one of them ourners to help lift the deceased out of the casket, as Harry Osborne starts up “Charge!” again ] [ the crowd chants “Charge!” as the deceased is dragged out of the funeral parlor ] [ pull back to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up: Super Tidy Bowl XV” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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