SNL Transcripts: Robert Hays: 11/15/80: Sports Organist at a Funeral


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 8








80h: Robert Hays / Joe “King” Carrasco & The Crowns, 14 Karat Soul

Sports Organist at a Funeral

Mr. Ziegler…..Charles Rocket
Mrs. Denton…..Denny Dillon
Fletcher…..Matthew Laurence
Organist…..Harry Osborne
Herbert, the Deceased…..Gilbert Gottfried

[ open on interior, funeral parlor ]

[ Mr. Ziegler solemnly approaches the widow ]

Mr. Ziegler: Mrs. Denton. I — on behalf of the Ziegler Brothers, I just want to thank you for choosing us in your time of grief.

Mrs. Denton: You were the people that Herbert wanted.

Mr. Ziegler: Well, everything seems to be going to plan. There’s just one small problem — our regular organist is sick. But as soon as the replacement comes, then we’ll get on with the program. Excuse me while I… check.

[ he stands and crosses over to Fletcher ]

Mr. Ziegler: Look — where IS this guy, anyway?!

Fletcher: He should be here any minute.

Mr. Ziegler: Well, I hope he’s experienced in these matters!

Fletcher: Oh! Oh, he’s one of the BEST! He’s the main guy at Madison Square Garden — he plays at all the hockey and basketball games.

Mr. Ziegler: Well, I wish he’d just GET here!

[ suddenly, Harry Osborne, the substitute organist, rushes in ]

Organist: Mr. Ziegler, I’m Harry Osborne, the organ player.

Mr. Ziegler: Fine, fine… thank God you’re here! I thought you’d NEVER get here!

Organist: Oh, sorry I’m late, but the Knicks went into overtime —

Mr. Ziegler: Fletcher, show him the organ! Let’s get started!

[ Fletcher pulls Harry Osborne over to the organ, as Mr. Ziegler approaches the widow ]

Mr. Ziegler: I’m… so sorry, Mrs. Denton. Now that the organist is here, we can get on with the program. I might add that you’ve chosen a wonderful program — short… yet dignified.

Mrs. Denton: Herbert wanted it that way.

Mr. Ziegler: Yes.

[ Mr. Ziegler stands off to the side and nods for Harry Osborne to begin ]

[ Harry Osborne pipes out “The Star-Spangled Banner”, as the mourners rise ]

Mr. Ziegler: STOP IT!! STOP IT!! What are you doing, you fool?!

Organist: Well, you said to get started!

Mr. Ziegler: Well, for crying out loud! This is a FUNERAL! Play something appropriate!

[ Mr. Ziegler leans down toward the widow ]

Mr. Ziegler: I’m… so sorry, Mrs. Denton. There seems to be some… mix-up with the organist.

[ Mr. Ziegler stands off to the side and nods for Harry Osborne to begin ]

[ Harry Osborne pipes out the opening notes to “Charge!” ]

Mr. Ziegler: Wait a second!! This isn’t a pep rally! It’s a FUNERAL!!

Organist: Well, I know — but I wanted to cheer the people up!

Mr. Ziegler: They don’t WANT to cheered up! Play a nice soft song!

[ the widow stands ]

Mrs. Denton: Mr. Ziegler… that man is disturbing me. I know that Herbert didn’t want this. This is not dignified, like your brochure said.

Mr. Ziegler: You’re quite right. I’m… so sorry. Please! I — I — I think I’ve straightened everything out, so don’t worry. Sit down.

[ she returns to her seat, as Mr. Ziegler nods for Harry Osborne to begin ]

Mrs. Denton: I’ve heard ENOUGH, Mr. Ziegler! And I don’t want to hear any more!

[ she closes the casket, as Harry Osborne rolls a flourish ]

Mr. Ziegler: Please, please, Mrs. Denton! It’s alright!

[ he opens the casket, as Harry Osborne rolls a flourish ]

Mrs. Denton: I’ve had just about enough! I’m getting Herbert OUT of here — NOW!!

[ she motions for one of them ourners to help lift the deceased out of the casket, as Harry Osborne starts up “Charge!” again ]

[ the crowd chants “Charge!” as the deceased is dragged out of the funeral parlor ]

[ pull back to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up: Super Tidy Bowl XV” ]

[ fade ]

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