SNL Transcripts: Robert Hays: 01/24/81: Love American Style


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 8

80h: Robert Hays / Joe “King” Carrasco & The Crowns, 14 Karat Soul

Love American Style

…..Robert Hays
Voice of Inflatable Woman…..Gail Matthius

[ open on Robert Hays sitting alone in a hotel room ]

Robert Hays: Ah, this room that Tony set up for me sure is nice.. but I thought he knew how lonely I got on these promotional tours. I’ve been spending too many hours alone.. [ an Inflatable Woman suddenly rises from behind the couch ] What is this, some kind of a joke? Tony? Huh? Are you around here, huh? [ he reads the note on the Inflatable Woman ] “Patty Pleasure. For a good time, pull my string.” [ curious, he pulls her string ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: Aren’t you going to ask a lady to sit down?

Robert Hays: [ confused ] Well.. sure.. [ he pulls her over the couch, sits her down, then pulls her string again ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: You know.. you were wonderful in “Airplane!”

Robert Hays: Well, thanks. A lot of people don’t appreciate a comic performance. [ pulls her string ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: Your eyes have a way of seeing right through me..

Robert Hays: Really? [ pulls her string ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: I know how to make a man happy. I can.. [ Robert quickly pulls her string so he can hear the rest ] ..tie you up, or you can tie me up, or.. I can invite my friend Terri over, and you could.. [ he quickly pulls the string again ] Do you think you could handle that?

Robert Hays: Well, uh.. you’d probably be plenty for me! [ pulls her string again ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: Well, what are you waiting for?

Robert Hays: Well, uh.. what do I do? [ pulls her string ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: You can start by giving me $100.

Robert Hays: For what?! [ pulls her string ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: For the time of your life.

Robert Hays: Are you out of your mind? [ pulls string ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: Give me $100, and we’ll talk about it.

Robert Hays: Oh, yeah? Well, who’s going to make me pay for it?

[ an inflatable pimp balloon suddenly rises from behind the couch, as Robert realizes what he’s up against ] [ pan up to audience, zoom in on surprised woman with SUPER: “Only Looks Sleazy” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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