SNL Transcripts: Robert Hays: 11/15/80: Saturday Night Live Sports Central


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 8

80h: Robert Hays / Joe “King” Carrasco & The Crowns, 14 Karat Soul

Saturday Night Live Sports Central

…..Joe Piscopo
…..Matthew Laurence
Eddie Atari…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on Saturday Night Sports studio ]

Joe Piscopo: Hello again, everybody! Joe Piscopo, live! Saturday Night Sports! Excitement! Tonight! Here! Now! Who would ever think we could top last week’s show, when we brought you the valiant Scotsmen ripping the kilt from each other’s waist in the masculine sport of Fair Dinkum! What could possibly be more exciting than a Scotsman without his kilts? How about an expedition where the code is Destroy or Be Destroyed! In a word — Danger! And when you’re talking about danger, you’re talking about ONE man! Eddie Atari! Let’s get RIGHT to the action!

[ cut to close-up of an Asteroids game screen ]

Joe Piscopo V/O: Here’s Atari’s ship now — the strange, pie-shaped craft maneuvering, warming up, as the first asteroids drift into view! It’s a beautiful night — [ the game ship blows up an asteroid ] THERE!! He’s fired his first burst! Then, again! Punishing the giant rocks! Notice how he waits like a cool puma with a laser lotus! And again and again! Each shot a song! A hymn! A masterpiece of precision and timing! And there it is — the Italian maneuver, firing as he retreats! That’s his trademark! Oh, it’s carnage! It’s slaughter! Atari seems to be in total control, ladies and gentlemen! But, look out! He might be in trouble! Let’s go inside the ship, where our own Matt Laurence is standing by!

[ cut to Matthew Laurence reporting from inside the game ship, as Eddie Atari steers ]

Matthew Laurence: Oh, I’m right here, Joe! I’m here, but that was close! Eddie Atari blasted through a giant cluster with amazing agility! This is the most exciting event I’ve covered since the International Foosball Tournament in 1964! And how about Eddie Atari? In 1976, during an Asteroids exhibition, he hit his Hyperspace button and was lost for two years! But, still, he persists like a man possessed! Eddie! Eddie? What keeps you going?

Eddie Atari: Quarters! Quarters, man! As long as I got change for a dollar, you’ll find me right here!

Matthew Laurence: Whoa, what excitement, Joe! Of course, what we’re here for — what we’re ALL waiting for — is the appearance of the killer saucers! As everyone familiar with Asteroids knows, there’s a big saucer and a little saucer, and both are deadly! I think I see it now!

[ cut to game screen as a beeping noise centers upon the game ship ]

Joe Piscopo V/O: Yes, you’re right, Matt, I hear it. I hear it, and — [ a flying saucer zooms past ] There it is! Yes, the quarry’s in his blind spot! [ the flying saucer is fired upon ] WHOA!!

[ cut to Eddie Atari at the controls, laughing ]

Matthew Laurence: Joe, Eddie Atari is jubilent! He took on the big saucer and smashed it like a piece of cheap crockery! But somewhere out there is a LITTLER saucer! We haven’t seen it yet! Eddie? Eddie, when? WHEN, Eddie?!

Eddie Atari: I don’t know, man! Get out of my face! When I see it, I’ll shoot it!

Matthew Laurence: You heard him, Joe! When he sees it… he’ll shoot it!

Eddie Atari: Uh-oh…

Matthew Laurence: Wait. Wait, I see something hurtling towards us!

[ cut to game screen, as the game ship whizzes past the Goodyear blimp ]

Joe Piscopo V/O: Matt, don’t worry about it — it’s only a Goodyear blimp.

Eddie Atari: I want the blimp! It’s BIG, man!

Matthew Laurence: Don’t fight it! Don’t fight it, man! It’s the Goodyear blimp!

Eddie Atari: Hey, I want it!

Matthew Laurence: Joe! Joe! He’s not gonna stop, he’s gonna go after the blimp!

[ Eddie fires his controls and smiles ]

Eddie Atari: Ha haaa!! I bagged it, man! I bagged the blimp!

[ return to Joe Piscopo in the sports studio ]

Joe Piscopo: Ohhhh, it’s horrible! Eddie Atari has massacred the blimp! Ohhhh, the humanity! Asteroids! Blimp! Disaster! Fail! Me! Words! Joe Piscopo, Saturday Night sports! Good night! Ohhhh, myyyy God! Ohhh, the humanity…!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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