SNL Transcripts: Robert Hays: 11/15/80: Pre-Superbowl Pre-Game Preview


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 8

80h: Robert Hays / Joe “King” Carrasco & The Crowns, 14 Karat Soul

Pre-Superbowl Pre-Game Preview

Bill…..Robert Hays
Jessica…..Ann Risley
Frank…..Charles Rocket

Bob: Hi, football fans! This is the Pre-Superbowl Pre-Game Preview. And we’re all excited about the big showdown tomorrow in New Orleans!

Jessica: Yes, Bob, it will definitely be the highlight of the football season!

Bob: I would say it was the highlight of the entire sports year, Jessica!

Frank: No, it’s the highlight of the entire year, period! It’s gotta be the game of the decade, maybe even the game of the century!

Jessica: Probably the event of the century!

Bob: Well, I can only add that tomorrow’s game will really be the game for all eternity, the highlight of human history.

Jessica: And civilization, Bob!

Bob: Right you are, Jessica. And now, let’s take at some Superbowls past. [ pause ] Football is often compared to ballet – and it’s true. You take a ballet, and you remove the music and the dancing, and you replace it with passing, running and scoring points, and the resemblance is uncanny.

Jessica: It is exactly like a ballet, except that one is a game, and the other isn’t.

Frank: And, there are no cheeleaders for ballet. Also, one is on a field, and the other is on a stage.

Bob: [ contemplating ] Yes.. but the Superdome is indoors, so they’re both indoors!

Jessica: Right! Of course! [ laughing ]

Frank: It is like ballet!

Bob: Well, whether or not football is a classic, eternal art form, remains to be seen. But one thing this sport clearly does is build character, and instill moral values.

Frank: And, on that note, Bill, I can only say: Vince Lombardi, Saint on Earth!

Jessica: Well, I don’t think that anyone can argue that, other than drugs, violence, and cheating in love, football is the best place to learn moral values outside a monestary!

Bob: But, Jessica, to say that football is the great moral and religious teacher of our youth, is really to trivialize it. What football is, is a metaphor for life.

Frank: Oh, that’s so true, Bob!

Bob: In life, you need a game plan. You call your signals, and you run your plays. You’ve gotta be careful not to fumble the ball, or you’ll get benched. But, if you get it, you can go all the way. Isn’t it strange how much football is like that, too?

Frank: Oh, that’s so right, Bob! This game tomorrow means a lot to all of us. Not because of the superb match of talent we’re going to see, but because each one of us has personally bet a lot of moeny on it!

Jessica: Well, I know that’s true for me, Frank, and I bet it holds true for most of our viewers as well.

Bob: We hope you’ve enjoyed this in-depth probe of tomorrow’s Superbowl. We hope you’ll tune in tomorrow to watch this historic contest between the Raiders and the.. Chargers.

Frank: Uh.. that’s Dallas.

Jessica: No, no.. it’s Eagles..

Bob: Whatever! We’ll be back right after this message.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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