SNL Transcripts: Robert Hays: 11/15/80: Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail Matthius


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 8

80h: Robert Hays / Joe “King” Carrasco & The Crowns, 14 Karat Soul

Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail Matthius

…..Charles Rocket
…..Gail Matthius
Tiffany Fleur…..Ann Risley
…..Joe Piscopo
…..Eddie Murphy

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with co-anchors Charles Rocket andGail Matthius.

Charles Rocket: Good evening, I’m Charles Rocket. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: Former President Jimmy Carter is finding difficulty adjustingto civilian life. Pictured here, we see the ex-President trying to sneakback into the White House.

Well, Sen. Ted Kennedy and his wife Joan have decided to get a divorce. Mrs. Kennedy said, “Hey, it had nothing to do with my husband’s indiscretions!” Well, during their 22 years of marriage, the senator had romantic interludes with these women: [ collage ]. And these other women: [ second collage ].

Well, in a budget-slashing move, President Reagan has cut White house newspaper subscriptions to the absolute essentials. Shown here on his first morning in office, Reagan studies the large-print version of Variety magazine.

Charles Rocket: Well, now that the hostages are back, “Saturday Night Live” thinks maybe it’s time that we thought about normalizing our relations with Iran. What better way than to talk to the Ayatollah himself, who’s agreed to be here to chat with us! Here is… the Ayatollah Komeini! [ he clumsily lifts a veil over a balloon dummy ] Whoa, let’s find him! Okay, Mr. Ayatollah! What a guy, huh? Well, we have a lot of youngsters out there who are aspiring Ayatollahs, so let me ask you a question, pal: Are you sorry? [ no response; Charles pounds the desk ] Are you a little bit sorry? [ no response ] Okay. If you’re at all sorry, furrow your brows, make a mean face, and stare straight ahead, okay? [ the dummy’s pose remains unchanged ] Well, how about THAT, ladies and gentlemen! A formal apology from the Ayatollah Komeini, huh! Gail?

Gail Matthius: [ weakly ] Uh, sir? I’ve been looking for a really nice Persian rug — Maybe — ?

Charles Rocket: Some other time, Gail, huh?

Gail Matthius: Never mind, I’ll talk to him later.

General Motors, this week, recalled 80,000 station wagons, because, in repeated cases, the glass in the rear window has shattered. GM. denying responsibilityfor the defects said that all occupants of the cars had been listening toElla Fitzgerald.

World famous designer Galanos donated Nancy Reagan’s inaugural ball gown, valued at $10,000. Meanwhile, an unknown Washington baker donated this coffee cake for Nancy’s head!

Walter Mondale announced yesterday that he will join Winston & Strawn, aChicago law firm. Mondale says he will use his experience as Vice-Presidentin his new duties — which will include making coffee, apologizing for otherlawyer’s mistakes, and receiving Boy Scouts who might stop by.

Eldgridge Cleaver has certainly had an interesting career. First he was a Black Panther, then he became a born-again Christian. now, Cleaver plans to join the Mormon Church. What’s more, he may also star in a new variety show produced by Osmond Productions in Salt Lake City. It’ll be called “The Eldredge & Marie Show”, and they’ll start the season with an ice skating special called “Marie with Soul on Ice”. Leave it to Cleaver! [ the audience continually groans ]

Charles Rocket: A letter, handwritten by Ronald Reagan defending his friendship with Frank Sinatra, was sold at a New York auction yesterday for $12,500. Well, purchased this morning for $15,000 by NBC, a subsequent letter from Ron Reagan to Frank Sinatra, which reads: “Dear Frank: I wrote the letter. Don’t hurt me. Love, Ronnie. P.S.: Say hello to the Weasel!”

Well, now, “Update Fashions”, with our own Fashion Editor Tiffany Fleur.
Tiffany Fleur: Bonjour, mes amies. I am Tiffany Fleur. Welcometo my very first fashion show for engineering students. May I presentPaul. [ cut to Paul parading on the runway ] Paul is a mechanical engineerfrom MIPU. Throw away those calculators – the slide rule is back. And Paulwears his attractive leather hip holster to prove it. He’s ready for anycalculation. Paul’s ensemble is completed by his pocket pen/pencil holder.Handcrafted in practical vinyl, of course. But watch out – at night, whenthe animal in Paul breaks loose, he’ll switch to ze daring after-dark blue.Thank you, Paul. [ Robert enters ] Entre, Robert. Robert is anelectrical engineering student from Cal Tech, and sports the summer at thebeach look. Under his functional tuck, Robert wears the go-anywhere penand pencil holder, which is of course neatly glued to his chest. So,whether it’s a quick algebraic equation at the cafe, or an intimate eveningat home with the computer, you’re always in style with Tiffany Fleurdesigner fashions for the engineering student. And that is finis with theFashion Report [ cut back to Tifany at the newsdesk ] I have been TiffanyFleur, bye bye.

Gail Matthius: Thank you very much, Tiffany… and Robert and Paul.

In a government investigation, Canadian cabinet members responded to the question: “Who here has slept with Margaret Trudeau?”

It has been a huge week in sports, and here now to tell us all aboutit is our own Joooeee Piscopo!
Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Gail! Hello again, everyone! Joe Piscopo,live! Saturday Night Sports. The big story – tomorrow. SuperSunday. Superbowl! Superdome! Eagles! Raiders! Winner? Who cares?When I think “Superbowl”, I think Steelers! Cowboys! Not Eagles-Raiders.I think Bradshaw, Starback – not Joworsky, Plunkett. Someone should lookinto why two mediocre teams that nobody cares about are playing in New Orleanstomorrow! Let’s take a look at the so-called Superteams! [ camera zooms outto reveal a miniature electronic football table in front of Joe ] Look atthis, you call this football! Unbelievable! Look at this guy, what the heckis he doing? I think that the Eagles will score by a touchdown! Eitherthat, or they just might score a field goal! The Eagles by a touchdown,that’s the sports. Joe Piscopo, Saturday Night! Gail.

Gail Matthius: Thank you, Joe!

In a related stoy,the Philadelphia Eagles, in preparation for the Super Bowl, have held their workouts in secret. Pictured here is Philadelphia wide receiver Harold Carmichael, practicing disguised as the Pope.

Charles Rocket: Well, claims against Iran will be a legal nightmare.According to specialists, procedures for transfer of the fund will take atleast nine months! Well, with us tonight is one of the people caughtup in the massive exchange of assets.. our own, Mr. Eddie Murphy.

Eddie Murphy: Thanks, Charles. [ to the audience’s light applause ] Hold that. A while back, I paid this dude $80up front for an ounce of Iranian hashish. Now, I asked if he wasfrom Iran, he said donn’t worry about that, right? Two weeks laters, Iwent to get my reefer, and he told me he didn’t have it. So I said, “Man,you got to give me my money back.” Do you know that that dude told methat his assets were frozen? I said, “Hey, man, don’t me tell me about nofrozen assets, because I gave you my heating oil money for that reefer!”Right? So, I took the dude hostage, and I ain’t giving him back to Iran until #1: Give me my $80; #2: Give me an ounce of that good Iranian reefer; and#3: Give me some of that Iranian oil, ’cause I been freezing my assets offall winter! Back to you, Charlie.

Charles Rocket: Thanks, Eddie, always a pleasure. Eddie Murphy.Thanks so much.Rupert Murdoch, owner of the New York Post, has purchased the 195-year old London Times, with the promise he would only make minor changes in the format. Well, take a look. Here we see the first edition of the London Times under Murdoch’s leadership: [ headline reads: “Thatcher To Parliament: Drop Dead!” ]

Charles Rocket: For Gail Matthius and the entire “Weekend Update” team, I’m Charles Rocket. That’s the news. Good night, and watch out.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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