SNL Transcripts: Sally Kellerman: 02/07/81: Lean Acres


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 9

80i: Sally Kellerman / Jimmy Cliff

Lean Acres

Lois…..Ann Risley
Tina…..Denny Dillon
Counselor…..Sally Kellerman
Woman in Audience…..Pam Norris

[ open on Lois and Tina lying on cots in their room ]

Lois: God, I’m hungry! This 10-day Juicefest is KILLING me!

Tina: I know what you mean! It’s nothing like the catalog my husband showed me! I thought it would be FRUIT CUPS… CHEESE BOARDS… maybe a couple of LAUGHS!

Lois: Some Fat Farm. This place is more like a… like a…

Tina: Say it! Say it!

Lois: Like a PRISON!

Tina: And the name! It sounded so nice — Lean Acres.

[ the title appears superimposed over the scene ] [ the Counselor enters the room ]

Counselor: Alright, you cows! Weigh in! On the scale! On the scale!

[ Tina steps on the scale ]

Counselor: Well… you’ve gained THREE pounds! [ she swats Tina and knocks her onto her cot ] You’ve been snacking!

Tina: [ scared ] No, really — I — I — I really didn’t! [ the Counselor pulls her up by her sweatshirt ] Maybe ONE Saltine!

Lois: [ running over ] Leave her alone!

[ the Counselor lets go of Tina, as Lois crouches against the wall ]

Counselor: What did you say?

Lois: Nothing, nothing! It was just my… stomach rumbling.

Counselor: That’s what I thought. After all, you are ten pounds away from parole. Don’t blow it.

[ Lois jumps on the scale ]

Lois: What? I lost a pound!

Counselor: Water weight, Lois. It’ll be back.

Tina: Congratulations, Lois! A whole pound!

[ the Counselor swats Tina back down again ]

Counselor: Shut up! I told you FAT BAGS when you came to this FAT FARM that you’re FAT! THis ain’t no cocktail party,

Tina: Well, you see, it’s just that we haven’t eaten in TWELVE days and I just think that —

Counselor: [ sternly ] And you what?

Tina: Well, I think we SHOULD!!

[ the Counselor swats Tina back down again ]

Lois: Why don’t you pick on someone you’re own size?!

Counselor: Why don’t you two lose a little weight… and maybe I will.

[ the Counselor exits the room ]

Tina: I don’t think she likes me.

Lois: I feel the same way. You okay, honey?

Tina: Oh, Lois — how did I gain? I even stopped biting my nails!

Lois: Oh, why don’t we just LEAVE, Tina? We’re not criminals!

Tina: We’re WORSE — we’re overweight!

Lois: Yeah, and our husbands can’t stand the sight of us.

Tina: Not to mention the rest of the free world…

[ an overdramatic voice comes from above ]

Voice: This sketch makes me SICK!

[ Ann Risley and Denny Dillon look up into the audience balcony ]

Woman in Audience: You act like being fat is a crime! Fat people are HUMAN!

Denny Dillon: Who are you?!

Woman in Audience: Humans deserve RESPECT! If you uncover these layers of FAT… do we not bleed?! Huh? [ she looks among the audience ] HUH?! If you hurt our feelnigs, don’t we BLUBBER?! Where’s the “writer” of this thin attack on FAT people?!

Ann Risley: Okay… alright… writer?

[ a chubby writers enters the set ]

Female Writer: What’s the problem?!

Woman in Audience: I can’t understand how you could stoop to making FAT jokes! You of all people should be senstive to fat people! LOOK AT YOU!! You’re so FAT… when you sneeze, your chins flap! [ rim shot ] You’re so FAT… you need to wear a bra on your back! [ rim shot ] You’re so FAT… you… you get an electoral vote! [ rim shot ] You’re so FAT… that we —

[ Announcer: [ over text ] “She’s so fat that:

a) She hides money in her pores.

b) If a tree fell between her legs no one would hear it.

Or c) I can’t take much more of this sketch.

[ sound effects tally the results ]

Announcer: It’s C) I can’t take much more of this sketch.

[ the woman in the audience applauds the end of the sketch, as the camera pans upward to her, with SUPER: “Coming Up: “Circumsized Evidence” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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