SNL Transcripts: Sally Kellerman: 02/07/81: Pillow Pets


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 9





80i: Sally Kellerman / Jimmy Cliff

Pillow Pets

Husband…..Gilbert Gottfried
Wife…..Ann Risley

[ open on married couple’s bedroom, night ]

Wife: I don’t understand it. I mean, we’ve talked about this before. I thought we had come to an agreement, and yet you still persist.

Husband: I thought he needed to get out.

Wife: FIVE times a day?! You need to take the dog out FIVE times a day?

Husband: When you have a dog, you have to take them for walks.

Wife: The, wha — well, you never pay that much attention to me.

Husband: Well… we walk. The dog doesn’t mind when you come along.

Wife: Well — it’s not just the walking. I mean, the whole thing! I mean, I look in the closet, and I see FIVE coats for the dog!

Husband: It’s Winter.

Wife: Wha — this is too much! I mean, this is just too mich! I mean, I wouldn’t mind it if it was a REAL dog! [ she picks up a pillow with a cat’s face stitched into it ] But, THIS!

Husband: That’s not the dog. That’s the cat.

Wife: Oh, okay! [ she grabs the dog pillow ] THIS one! The DOG, the CAT! What difference does it make?!

Husband: It makes a very big difference — I don’t like the cat. If you want the cat, you have the cat.

Wife: [ exasperated ] No, I don’t want the cat, I don’t want the dog!

Husband: Why’d you marry me for?

Wife: Well — it’s just that I thought any man who could show THAT much love for these would have a lot of love to give me.

Husband: Well, you were wrong. And don’t hold them so close– they start to fight.

Wife: Oh! That would bother you if they start to fight? Oh!

[ she makes the pillows fight with one another, as her husband screams in pain ]

Husband: I HATE IT WHEN THEY FIGHT!! STOP IT!!!

Wife: [ she throws the pillows down ] Alright, THAT’S it! I’m going to my mother’s!

[ she frantically packs an overnight bag from the closet ]

Husband: Does — does this mean you’re not coming back?

Wife: I don’t know.

Husband: Well, if you decide to come back… can you bring some dog food? [ he swats the cat ] Nothing for you.

Wife: Look — what am I supposed to tell my mother? That I lost you to soem stuffed thing?

Husband: Nnnno, that’s ridiculous. Tell her it was another woman.

Wife: Right. I can’t deal with this any more.

[ she exits the bedroom ]

Husband: [ he looks down at his two pillows ] I lied. I love it when you two fight!

[ he makes the pillows attack one another and climbs on top of them across the bed ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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