Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 9
[ open on married couple’s bedroom, night ]
Wife: I don’t understand it. I mean, we’ve talked about this before. I thought we had come to an agreement, and yet you still persist.
Husband: I thought he needed to get out.
Wife: FIVE times a day?! You need to take the dog out FIVE times a day?
Husband: When you have a dog, you have to take them for walks.
Wife: The, wha — well, you never pay that much attention to me.
Husband: Well… we walk. The dog doesn’t mind when you come along.
Wife: Well — it’s not just the walking. I mean, the whole thing! I mean, I look in the closet, and I see FIVE coats for the dog!
Husband: It’s Winter.
Wife: Wha — this is too much! I mean, this is just too mich! I mean, I wouldn’t mind it if it was a REAL dog! [ she picks up a pillow with a cat’s face stitched into it ] But, THIS!
Husband: That’s not the dog. That’s the cat.
Wife: Oh, okay! [ she grabs the dog pillow ] THIS one! The DOG, the CAT! What difference does it make?!
Husband: It makes a very big difference — I don’t like the cat. If you want the cat, you have the cat.
Wife: [ exasperated ] No, I don’t want the cat, I don’t want the dog!
Husband: Why’d you marry me for?
Wife: Well — it’s just that I thought any man who could show THAT much love for these would have a lot of love to give me.
Husband: Well, you were wrong. And don’t hold them so close– they start to fight.
Wife: Oh! That would bother you if they start to fight? Oh![ she makes the pillows fight with one another, as her husband screams in pain ]
Husband: I HATE IT WHEN THEY FIGHT!! STOP IT!!!
Wife: [ she throws the pillows down ] Alright, THAT’S it! I’m going to my mother’s![ she frantically packs an overnight bag from the closet ]
Husband: Does — does this mean you’re not coming back?
Wife: I don’t know.
Husband: Well, if you decide to come back… can you bring some dog food? [ he swats the cat ] Nothing for you.
Wife: Look — what am I supposed to tell my mother? That I lost you to soem stuffed thing?
Husband: Nnnno, that’s ridiculous. Tell her it was another woman.
Wife: Right. I can’t deal with this any more.
Husband: [ he looks down at his two pillows ] I lied. I love it when you two fight![ he makes the pillows attack one another and climbs on top of them across the bed ] [ fade ]