SNL Transcripts: Sally Kellerman: 02/07/81: A Message from the President of the United States


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 9

80i: Sally Kellerman / Jimmy Cliff

A Message from the President of the United States

President Ronald Reagan…..Charles Rocket
Nancy Reagan…..Gail Matthius
Guests…..Andy Murphy, Terry Sweeney

Announcer: [ over slide ] “The Battle of the World Superpowers” will be delayed tonight, so that we may bring you this message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Ronald Reagan seated in the Oval Office ]

President Ronald Reagan: Hello! I’m speaking to you tonight about the state of our economy. I regret to say that it’s in the worst shape since the Great Depression. It’s a complex problem, so I’m going to explan it to you very simply — just like they explained it to me. Now, here’s what a $500 bill was in 1960. [ he holds up a $500 bill ] Today, the same $500 bill is worth… [ he rips it in half ] on-ehalf that much, because of government waste. Who can figure it? To help, I’ve drawn some simple charts.

[ cut to crude chart drawing ]

Here, you see how Government Spending is running ahead of Government Revenues. And you know what that means:

[ cut to crude drawing of Mr. Taxpayer cursing his bills ]

Poor old Mr. Taxpayer is sweating it out. Now… here’s another chart I’e prepared:

[ cut to crude drawing of optical illusion of two lines labeled “One Line” and “Another Line” ]

It’s hard to believe, but the two lines are of equal length. It’s an optical illusion! But… back to serious stuff. Here’s another chart:

[ cut to crude drawing of two angled lines labeled “Life Expectancy” and “My Age”, marked “70” and “My birthday yesterday” at their intersection ]

The bottom line is popular life expectancy. The top line is my age. As you see, those two lines met yesterday, on my 70th birthday.

[ return to Reagan at his desk, as Nancy and other guests swarm him with a cake ]


President Ronald Reagan: Oh… what an unexpected surprise!

[ Reagan blows out the candle, which causes him to pass out headfirst on the cake ] [ he looks up from the cake and faces the camera, his face covered in frosting ]

President Ronald Reagan: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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