SNL Transcripts: Sally Kellerman: 02/07/81: Televised Criminal Trial

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 9

80i: Sally Kellerman / Jimmy Cliff

Televised Criminal Trial

Judge…..Joe Piscopo
Bailiff…..Matthew Laurance
Jose Gomez…..Gilbert Gottfried
…..Jim Fowler
Jury Foreman…..Patrick Weathers

Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] “Recently the Supreme Court ruled that states are free to permit the televising of criminal trials. The following is a trial in Small Claims court…”

[ dissolve to close-up of a black-and-white television, as a televised trial airs ]

Judge: [ banging gavel ] Court is in order! Bailiff, what is tonight’s case?

Bailiff: Well, tonight we have a young man who claims he bit into a ball bearing while eating a meatball hero outside of DaMassa’s Italian restaurant.

Judge: Ah-ha. Well, could you call the first witness, please!

Bailiff: Uh, yes — would Jose Gomez please take the stand?

Jose Gomez: [ standing ] With pleasure, Your Honor!

Judge: Mr. Gomez, why don’t you tell the ladies and gentlemen of the jury what happened to you when you ate at DaMassa’s Italian Restaurant a couple of weeks ago?

Jose Gomez: Not only will I tell you what happened… but I have brought a witness with me, too — the waiter who served me that very night! [ he holds up his painted hand ] Were you the waiter that night? [ in his Senor Wences voice ] Yes, I was! [ in his normal voice ] Okay! You are going to tell then EXACTLY what happened! Waiter… do you serve crabs here? [ in his Senor Wences voice ] We serve anybody here!

[ the Judge gavels a rim shot ]

Jose Gomez: Seriously, Waiter — I would like a meatball hero. He brings me the meatball hero, I bite in, what do I find? [ in his Senor Wences voice ] A ball bearing! [ in his normal voice ] A ball bearing? It MUST be an accident! [ in his Senor Wences voice ] It was NO accident! We did it ON PURPOSE! [ in his normal voice ] But, please! I am going without complaining! [ in his Senor Wences voice ] NO! You should SUE us! [ in his normal voice ] I will NOT do it! [ in his Senor Wences voice ] Sue us for $50,000!

Judge: Well, thank you very much, Jose. Uh, that is quite an interesting story, I must say. Uh, we have — we just have another witness that’s just DYING to come out. Bailiff, uh, could you introduce him, please?

Bailiff: I sure can, Your Honor!

Judge: Thank you.

Bailiff: Our next witness is an expert on wildlife, as a result of his MANY years on Mutual of Omaha’s “Wild Kingdom”. Would JIM FOWLER please take the stand?

[ the courtroom applauds Jim Fowler’s entrance, as Jose Gomez moves one witness seat over ]

Judge: Well, well, Jim — what interesting creature did you bring for us today?

Jim Fowler: This little fellow’s an alligator.

Judge: Ohhh! And where are most alligators found?

Jim Fowler: Well, 80% of ’em are found in the swamps of Florida, and 20% are found in the sewers of New York City.

Judge: Is that where you found this one, Jim?

Jim Fowler: I found this one in an alley behind DeMassa’s Italian Restaurant.

Judge: Ah. And what was it doing there?

Jim Fowler: It was eating ball bearings.

Judge: Ah-ha. Well, thank you very much, Jim Fowler. All the evidence is in. Has the jury reached its verdict?

Jury Foreman: Uh, yes, we have. [ he stands ] We don’t find Mr. Gomez’s claim valid. [ he smiles for the cameras ]

Judge: [ surprised ] oh. Well, thank you very much. Mr. Gomez, do you have anything to say?

Jose Gomez: Yes! You may all hear me appealing this case at the New York State of appeals on February 28th!

[ the camera pans over to Jim Fowler ]

Jim Fowler: I’ll be at the Bird Sanctuary at St. Louis, this Tuesday.

Judge: Well, thank you for coming! Court IS adjourned! Stay tuned for “One Live to Live”, with Jean Harris. Good night.

[ credits scroll:

“Produced by Warren Burger

Directed by Potter Stewart

Techinical Consultants: Thurgood Marahall, William Brennan, Byron White

This has been a Justice Department production” ] [ fade ]

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