SNL Transcripts: Sally Kellerman: 02/07/81: Televised Criminal Trial

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 9

80i: Sally Kellerman / Jimmy Cliff

Televised Criminal Trial

Judge…..Joe Piscopo
Bailiff…..Matthew Laurance
Jose Gomez…..Gilbert Gottfried
…..Jim Fowler
Jury Foreman…..Patrick Weathers

Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] “Recently the Supreme Court ruled that states are free to permit the televising of criminal trials. The following is a trial in Small Claims court…”

[ dissolve to close-up of a black-and-white television, as a televised trial airs ]

Judge: [ banging gavel ] Court is in order! Bailiff, what is tonight’s case?

Bailiff: Well, tonight we have a young man who claims he bit into a ball bearing while eating a meatball hero outside of DaMassa’s Italian restaurant.

Judge: Ah-ha. Well, could you call the first witness, please!

Bailiff: Uh, yes — would Jose Gomez please take the stand?

Jose Gomez: [ standing ] With pleasure, Your Honor!

Judge: Mr. Gomez, why don’t you tell the ladies and gentlemen of the jury what happened to you when you ate at DaMassa’s Italian Restaurant a couple of weeks ago?

Jose Gomez: Not only will I tell you what happened… but I have brought a witness with me, too — the waiter who served me that very night! [ he holds up his painted hand ] Were you the waiter that night? [ in his Senor Wences voice ] Yes, I was! [ in his normal voice ] Okay! You are going to tell then EXACTLY what happened! Waiter… do you serve crabs here? [ in his Senor Wences voice ] We serve anybody here!

[ the Judge gavels a rim shot ]

Jose Gomez: Seriously, Waiter — I would like a meatball hero. He brings me the meatball hero, I bite in, what do I find? [ in his Senor Wences voice ] A ball bearing! [ in his normal voice ] A ball bearing? It MUST be an accident! [ in his Senor Wences voice ] It was NO accident! We did it ON PURPOSE! [ in his normal voice ] But, please! I am going without complaining! [ in his Senor Wences voice ] NO! You should SUE us! [ in his normal voice ] I will NOT do it! [ in his Senor Wences voice ] Sue us for $50,000!

Judge: Well, thank you very much, Jose. Uh, that is quite an interesting story, I must say. Uh, we have — we just have another witness that’s just DYING to come out. Bailiff, uh, could you introduce him, please?

Bailiff: I sure can, Your Honor!

Judge: Thank you.

Bailiff: Our next witness is an expert on wildlife, as a result of his MANY years on Mutual of Omaha’s “Wild Kingdom”. Would JIM FOWLER please take the stand?

[ the courtroom applauds Jim Fowler’s entrance, as Jose Gomez moves one witness seat over ]

Judge: Well, well, Jim — what interesting creature did you bring for us today?

Jim Fowler: This little fellow’s an alligator.

Judge: Ohhh! And where are most alligators found?

Jim Fowler: Well, 80% of ’em are found in the swamps of Florida, and 20% are found in the sewers of New York City.

Judge: Is that where you found this one, Jim?

Jim Fowler: I found this one in an alley behind DeMassa’s Italian Restaurant.

Judge: Ah. And what was it doing there?

Jim Fowler: It was eating ball bearings.

Judge: Ah-ha. Well, thank you very much, Jim Fowler. All the evidence is in. Has the jury reached its verdict?

Jury Foreman: Uh, yes, we have. [ he stands ] We don’t find Mr. Gomez’s claim valid. [ he smiles for the cameras ]

Judge: [ surprised ] oh. Well, thank you very much. Mr. Gomez, do you have anything to say?

Jose Gomez: Yes! You may all hear me appealing this case at the New York State of appeals on February 28th!

[ the camera pans over to Jim Fowler ]

Jim Fowler: I’ll be at the Bird Sanctuary at St. Louis, this Tuesday.

Judge: Well, thank you for coming! Court IS adjourned! Stay tuned for “One Live to Live”, with Jean Harris. Good night.

[ credits scroll:

“Produced by Warren Burger

Directed by Potter Stewart

Techinical Consultants: Thurgood Marahall, William Brennan, Byron White

This has been a Justice Department production” ]

[ fade ]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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