Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 10
80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More
Big Brother
Big Brother…..Gilbert Gottfried
Michelle Richards…..Deborah Harry
[ open on close-up of TV screen buzzing, as sunrise imagery appears ]
Female TV V/O: Time to wake up! It’s 8:10 a.m., Monday, September 27th. 1984. Your name is Michelle Richards, Social Security Number 505-140-9709, and now for the morning morale.
[ Michelle stretches and rises out of bed ]
Male TV V/O: I feel good. I feel good contributing to the well-being of our industrial index. Bless Big Brother and our powerful nation.
Female TV V/O: And now for… Big Brother!
[ Big Brother’s image wipes onto the screen ]
Big Brother: Hello, Michelle Richards. You work for North American International.
Michelle Richards: [ enthusiastically ] Yes, Big Brother!
Big Brother: Your position there is Security.
Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!
Big Brother: You are still employed by that corporation.
Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!
Big Brother: Recite the National Motto.
Michelle Richards: [ collecting her thoughts ] “Discipline is POWER! Government control is FREEDOM!”
Big Brother: Are you in sound body and work-ready?
Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!
Big Brother: You may begin the assigned work day.
Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!
Big Brother: Miss Richards?
Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!
Big Brother: May I call you “Michelle”?
Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!
Big Brother: [ meekly ] Um… Michelle? I-I know I’m Big Brother and everything… but… I-I was wondering if you’d like to go out and have dinner with me sometime.
Michelle Richards: [ taken aback ] Oh… I-I-I don’t know what to say. Big Brother asking me to go out for dinner?
Big Brother: I-i-i-if you don’t want to, I understand. But, you know, I… well, I-I like you and everything, and I know every day when I address you at the morning registration that I sound very harsh. And I don’t mean to, because I-I-I’m a nice guy.
Michelle Richards: Uh, this is so strange, I — I — I, uh, I’m just a common worker. Um… I don’t know what to say. Uhhh… you should have told me this before.
Big Brother: Well, I-I-I meant to, but… I don’t know, I… I thought you were gonna turn me down.
Michelle Richards: So what if I turned you down?
Big Brother: Well, you know, then I’d have to address you every day on the screen, and I’d feel like a shlep.
Michelle Richards: Well, I don’t know. I think you’re kind of cute!
Big Brother: You’re just saying that.
Michelle Richards: No, no, really! Uh, but… but… Big Brother, uhhh…
Big Brother: You can call me “Melvin”.
Michelle Richards: Well, Melvin… I-I-I din’t know if I really want to get into a relationship right now. Every guy I’ve been going out with recently, I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or something, but they’ve been taken away by the government to be reprogrammed.
Big Brother: [ nervously ] Yeah… I-I-I know that, Michelle.
Michelle Richards: [ naively ] What do you mean, you know?
Big Brother: Well, Michelle, I… I ordered them reprogrammed.
Michelle Richards: You ordered them reprogrammed? Why?
Big Brother: You know. Every week, I’d see you come home with another guy, and I-I’d be watching the two of you —
Michelle Richards: You were watching?!
Big Brother: Well, it’s all part of the Big Brother set-up. You know, I-I’m all perched up here —
Michelle Richards: You mean, you were watching when I’m here with no clothes on?
Big Brother: Yeah, but it’s not what you think. Y-you see… I like you. And I would love to be with you. And… I don’t know… I-I thought if I could get those other guys out of the way, then… maybe I’d build up enough courage to ask you out.
Michelle Richards: We-e-e-ell… I think that’s just beautiful.
Big Brother: Well, but… I mean… Michelle. Will — is it okay? Will you go out with me?
Michelle Richards: Well, yes — yes, Melvin, I will. Uh… [ Big Brother becomes stone-faced ] Melvin? Melvin! Yes! I said yes, I will.
Big Brother: [ fuming ] I don’t want you now, you’re too easy.
Michelle Richards: [ outraged ] Wha-a-a-a-at??!
Big Brother: You’re TOO easy! You’re going to have to be reprogrammed!
[ agents burst through Michelle’s door and drag her away ]
Michelle Richards: Oh, Melvin! Oh! Oh, Melvin! Give a girl a chance, Melvin…!
[ camera pans upward into audience and stops on man, with SUPER: “Survived St. Valentine’s Day Massacre” ]
[ fade ]
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