SNL Transcripts: Deborah Harry: 02/14/81: Jersey Guy Paulie Herman

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Jersey Guy Paulie Herman

Paulie Herman…..Joe Piscopo
Phyllis Carroll…..Deborah Harry
Photographer…..Matthew Laurance

[ open on interior, Valentine’s boutique – Jersey Guy Paulie Herman enters ]

Paulie Herman: Wow! Look at all the cards here! They got cards for everything! Birthday.. graduation.. ah, here’s a nice one.. [ grabs card ] ..let’s see what it says here.. [ reads ] “Had I known, I would have called.. but I just found out, you’re going bald.” [ laughs his maniacal Jersey laugh ] What’s this one say here, uh.. [ reads ] “The earth, the wind, the sun, the moon. Together, we are us.” Brilliant. [ approaches woman ] Um.. excuse me, Miss? Could you help me?

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, sure!

Paulie Herman: Hey.. can I ask you something? Where you from?

Phyllis Carroll: I’m from Jersey! [ she laughs the same maniacal Jersey laugh as Paulie always does ] Are you from Jersey?

Paulie Herman: [ surprised ] Wooooww! Yeah! Yeah! I’m from Jersey! [ laughs ] And you’re from Jersey! [ laughs ] I’m from Jersey! [ laughs ] Paulie Herman!

Phyllis Carroll: Phyllis Carroll.

Paulie Herman: Hello, Phyllis, great to meet you! do you work here?

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, no.. I work in a chemical plant.

Paulie Herman: No kidding?!

Phyllis Carroll: Yeah!

Paulie Herman: Which one?

Phyllis Carroll: United Chemical, Matahorn Plant.

Paulie Herman: Oh, I can’t believe it! I work at United in Briskataway! Hey, did you have that big radiation scare at the plant cafeteria last month?

Phyllis Carroll: Yeah!

Paulie Herman: We did, too! The baloney glowed for a week! [ laughs ] Yeah, but I ate it anyway! [ laughs ] I imagine a pretty girl like yourself gets a lot of Valentine’s Day cards, huh?

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, you’d be surprised. Aren’t you sending a lot of cards?

Paulie Herman: Oh, maybe just one or two.. Hey! Phyllis, maybe you can help me pick out one, huh?

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, I’d love to!

Paulie Herman: Oh, boy!

Phyllis Carroll: [ grabs card ] Oh, here’s a nice one.

Paulie Herman: [ reads ] “I love you! I want you! I need you!”

Phyllis Carroll: Who’s it for?

Paulie Herman: My Uncle Bennie. [ shakes head ] Nah.. I don’t think so..

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, I got an idea!

Paulie Herman: What?

Phyllis Carroll: You can have your picture taken over there for five dollars, and you can send that to your Uncle Bennie!

Paulie Herman: Oh, great idea! [ suave ] Would you so honor this fellow Jerseyite, and appear in this photograph with me?

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, it would be my pleasure!

Paulie Herman: Right this way, madam! [ walks over to the photorapher ] Hi! We’d like our picture taken, please!

Photographer: Sure, sure. Sit down.

Paulie Herman: [ sits ] Thank you very much!

Photographer: You’re welcome. [ preps his camera ] Okay. Husband and wife, right?

Paulie & Phyllis: [ laughing ] No!

Photographer: Brother and sister, right?

Paulie & Phyllis: [ laughing ] Naw!

Photographer: Well.. then what are you?

Paulie & Phyllis: We’re from Jersey!! [ laugh ]

[ fade to black ]

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