Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 10
Jersey Guy Paulie Herman
Paulie Herman…..Joe Piscopo
Phyllis Carroll…..Deborah Harry
[ open on interior, Valentine’s boutique – Jersey Guy Paulie Herman enters ]
Paulie Herman: Wow! Look at all the cards here! They got cards for everything! Birthday.. graduation.. ah, here’s a nice one.. [ grabs card ] ..let’s see what it says here.. [ reads ] “Had I known, I would have called.. but I just found out, you’re going bald.” [ laughs his maniacal Jersey laugh ] What’s this one say here, uh.. [ reads ] “The earth, the wind, the sun, the moon. Together, we are us.” Brilliant. [ approaches woman ] Um.. excuse me, Miss? Could you help me?
Phyllis Carroll: Oh, sure!
Paulie Herman: Hey.. can I ask you something? Where you from?
Phyllis Carroll: I’m from Jersey! [ she laughs the same maniacal Jersey laugh as Paulie always does ] Are you from Jersey?
Paulie Herman: [ surprised ] Wooooww! Yeah! Yeah! I’m from Jersey! [ laughs ] And you’re from Jersey! [ laughs ] I’m from Jersey! [ laughs ] Paulie Herman!
Phyllis Carroll: Phyllis Carroll.
Paulie Herman: Hello, Phyllis, great to meet you! do you work here?
Phyllis Carroll: Oh, no.. I work in a chemical plant.
Paulie Herman: No kidding?!
Phyllis Carroll: Yeah!
Paulie Herman: Which one?
Phyllis Carroll: United Chemical, Matahorn Plant.
Paulie Herman: Oh, I can’t believe it! I work at United in Briskataway! Hey, did you have that big radiation scare at the plant cafeteria last month?
Phyllis Carroll: Yeah!
Paulie Herman: We did, too! The baloney glowed for a week! [ laughs ] Yeah, but I ate it anyway! [ laughs ] I imagine a pretty girl like yourself gets a lot of Valentine’s Day cards, huh?
Phyllis Carroll: Oh, you’d be surprised. Aren’t you sending a lot of cards?
Paulie Herman: Oh, maybe just one or two.. Hey! Phyllis, maybe you can help me pick out one, huh?
Phyllis Carroll: Oh, I’d love to!
Paulie Herman: Oh, boy!
Phyllis Carroll: [ grabs card ] Oh, here’s a nice one.
Paulie Herman: [ reads ] “I love you! I want you! I need you!”
Phyllis Carroll: Who’s it for?
Paulie Herman: My Uncle Bennie. [ shakes head ] Nah.. I don’t think so..
Phyllis Carroll: Oh, I got an idea!
Paulie Herman: What?
Phyllis Carroll: You can have your picture taken over there for five dollars, and you can send that to your Uncle Bennie!
Paulie Herman: Oh, great idea! [ suave ] Would you so honor this fellow Jerseyite, and appear in this photograph with me?
Phyllis Carroll: Oh, it would be my pleasure!
Paulie Herman: Right this way, madam! [ walks over to the photorapher ] Hi! We’d like our picture taken, please!
Photographer: Sure, sure. Sit down.
Paulie Herman: [ sits ] Thank you very much!
Photographer: You’re welcome. [ preps his camera ] Okay. Husband and wife, right?
Paulie & Phyllis: [ laughing ] No!
Photographer: Brother and sister, right?
Paulie & Phyllis: [ laughing ] Naw!
Photographer: Well.. then what are you?
Paulie & Phyllis: We’re from Jersey!! [ laugh ][ fade to black ]