SNL Transcripts: Deborah Harry: 02/14/81: Jersey Guy Paulie Herman


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Jersey Guy Paulie Herman

Paulie Herman…..Joe Piscopo
Phyllis Carroll…..Deborah Harry
Photographer…..Matthew Laurance

[ open on interior, Valentine’s boutique – Jersey Guy Paulie Herman enters ]

Paulie Herman: Wow! Look at all the cards here! They got cards for everything! Birthday.. graduation.. ah, here’s a nice one.. [ grabs card ] ..let’s see what it says here.. [ reads ] “Had I known, I would have called.. but I just found out, you’re going bald.” [ laughs his maniacal Jersey laugh ] What’s this one say here, uh.. [ reads ] “The earth, the wind, the sun, the moon. Together, we are us.” Brilliant. [ approaches woman ] Um.. excuse me, Miss? Could you help me?

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, sure!

Paulie Herman: Hey.. can I ask you something? Where you from?

Phyllis Carroll: I’m from Jersey! [ she laughs the same maniacal Jersey laugh as Paulie always does ] Are you from Jersey?

Paulie Herman: [ surprised ] Wooooww! Yeah! Yeah! I’m from Jersey! [ laughs ] And you’re from Jersey! [ laughs ] I’m from Jersey! [ laughs ] Paulie Herman!

Phyllis Carroll: Phyllis Carroll.

Paulie Herman: Hello, Phyllis, great to meet you! do you work here?

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, no.. I work in a chemical plant.

Paulie Herman: No kidding?!

Phyllis Carroll: Yeah!

Paulie Herman: Which one?

Phyllis Carroll: United Chemical, Matahorn Plant.

Paulie Herman: Oh, I can’t believe it! I work at United in Briskataway! Hey, did you have that big radiation scare at the plant cafeteria last month?

Phyllis Carroll: Yeah!

Paulie Herman: We did, too! The baloney glowed for a week! [ laughs ] Yeah, but I ate it anyway! [ laughs ] I imagine a pretty girl like yourself gets a lot of Valentine’s Day cards, huh?

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, you’d be surprised. Aren’t you sending a lot of cards?

Paulie Herman: Oh, maybe just one or two.. Hey! Phyllis, maybe you can help me pick out one, huh?

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, I’d love to!

Paulie Herman: Oh, boy!

Phyllis Carroll: [ grabs card ] Oh, here’s a nice one.

Paulie Herman: [ reads ] “I love you! I want you! I need you!”

Phyllis Carroll: Who’s it for?

Paulie Herman: My Uncle Bennie. [ shakes head ] Nah.. I don’t think so..

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, I got an idea!

Paulie Herman: What?

Phyllis Carroll: You can have your picture taken over there for five dollars, and you can send that to your Uncle Bennie!

Paulie Herman: Oh, great idea! [ suave ] Would you so honor this fellow Jerseyite, and appear in this photograph with me?

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, it would be my pleasure!

Paulie Herman: Right this way, madam! [ walks over to the photorapher ] Hi! We’d like our picture taken, please!

Photographer: Sure, sure. Sit down.

Paulie Herman: [ sits ] Thank you very much!

Photographer: You’re welcome. [ preps his camera ] Okay. Husband and wife, right?

Paulie & Phyllis: [ laughing ] No!

Photographer: Brother and sister, right?

Paulie & Phyllis: [ laughing ] Naw!

Photographer: Well.. then what are you?

Paulie & Phyllis: We’re from Jersey!! [ laugh ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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