Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 10
The Livelys at Home
Phil Lively…..Charles Rocket
Frances Lively…..Gail Matthius
Voice of Dad…..Don Pardo
Beverly Long…..Ann Risley
[ Game show host Phil Lively enters his suburban home, where everyone talks Game-Show-style ]
Phil Lively: Oh, it’s going to be a great day today! Pretty soon, a nursing home expert will be here, to help us decided whether or not to send Dad off to the Home for the Aged. Honey, I’m back inside.. so whattaya say!
Frances Lively: [ runs into room screaming jubilantly, then breaks into a whimper ]
Phil Lively: Something’s wrong, isn’t it?
Frances Lively: That’s right, Phil. You know: I love your father very much. But taking care of the elderly can be a full-time job..
Voice of Dad: [ yelling from upstairs ] Frances!
Frances Lively: Yeah, Dad?
Voice of Dad: Bring me another TV Dinner! And leave the mashed potatoes frozen this time!
Frances Lively: Okay, Dad.. [ she starts to walk up the stairs, but the doorbell rings ]
Phil Lively: [ changing subject ] Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for Dad’s potatoes. Instead, we’re going to have to answer the door and ask our guest to come on inside.
Frances Lively: [ answers door ] Welcome! [ to Phil ] Phil, I’d like you to meet Beverly Long, from the Pleasant Valley Home for the Aged!
Phil Lively: [ making introductions ] I’m Phil Lively, as you know. And this is my lovely, and talented, wife, Frances. Okay! You’ve never been to our house before, so why don’t you come inside, and tell us a little bit about what you do, and where you work!
Beverly Long: Well, I work at Pleasant Valley, as your wife mentioned. And we take care of old people.
Phil Lively: Well, as you know, Beverly Long, we take care of an old person, right here in our own home! But, we realize we can’t always give Dad the kind of understanding and attention he deserves.
Voice of Dad: Somebody get my fork! I dropped my fork!
Phil Lively: An-n-n-nd we’ll have that fork for you in just a minute, Dad. But first, let us finish talking to our nursing home expert! Frances?
Frances Lively: Thank you, Phil! Back to you, Beverly!
Beverly Long: [ flustered ] Uh.. well.. at Pleasant Valley, taking care of invalids is our..
Phil Lively: You know: it’s so hard to think of Dad as an invalid! Why, he got his first job in radio at the age of 12. And.. without the benefit of an education, became the most respected booth operator in the business! And.. went on to host game shows fifteen years past the age of retirement!
Beverly Long: Well, try to think of your father’s stay at Pleasant Valley as a reward for all his hard work..
Voice of Dad: Frances, I’m thirsty! Where’s my milk?! I like milk with my meals!
Beverly Long: But, you see, old people enjoy being with other old people. It’s not that expensive.. and it would take care of the burdon on you, and we can provide a nice home for your father.
Frances Lively: But he already has a home.
Phil Lively: Yes, it’s a beautiful 4-bedroom split-level Mediterranean villa, complete with hardwood floors and a brick facade. Yes, it’s beautifully appointed with contemporary art, spacious bay windows, and durable carpeting! Everything anyone could possibly need, young or old! But! If you can give us one good reason, Beverly Long, why we shouldn’t keep Dad here with us, we’ll be happy to turn him over to you!
[ Frances hums the “Jeopardy” theme as Beverly struggles for an answer ]
Beverly Long: Well.. uh.. I don’t know, I..
[ Frances sounds the Time Over buzzer ]
Phil Lively: Oh-h-h-h!! I’m terribly sorry! But! Had you been able to come up with an answer, we would have been happy to sign all the necessary papers today! [ pushing Beverly out ] But, instead, we’re going to have to say goodbye to you, Beverly Long, and ask you not to come back and ever try again, okay? Bye bye!
[ Phil and Frances see their guest off as they absorb the joy of being a Game Show family ]