Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 10
80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More
Newsbreak II
…..Eddie Murphy
[ open on Eddie Murphy seated at news desk ]
Eddie Murphy: Hello, again. I’m Eddie Murphy, and this is “Newsbreak”.
More news on the Poland invasion. The Polish Army has made some progress, and the Russians still seem to be ignoring this threat from the north, apparently waiting for a Polish blunder. How is all this going to affect America, and how is America going to feel about this?
[ cut to unseen action reporter interviewing people on the street ]
Interviewer: We were wondering what you thought of Poland’s invasion of Russia.
Man #1: Who?
Interviewer: Poland’s invasion of Russia this evening.
Man #1: Tell me something I don’t know.
Man #2: When it happened, just now? [ he shrugs his shoulders ]
[ cut to Man #3 ]
Man #3: Hey! What you gonna do about it? I don’t know.
[ cut to Man #4 ]
Man #4: There’s not too many countries, now, that’ll stand up to Russia, and I think that Poland should definitely go for it! It’s gonna be hard and all, but it’ll show a sign throughout the world.
[ cut to Man #5 ]
Man #5: Polish invasion of Russia?
Interviewer: What do you think about that?
Man #5: Um… I thought they were gonna go into France.
[ return to Eddie Murphy at the news desk ]
Eddie Murphy: Some startling information has been uncovered by our “Weekend Update” team. These are the Pole Papers. [ he holds up a file folder ] A secret outline written in 1938 that lays out Poland’s plan for world dominance, which helps explain today’s dramatic events.
[ reveal close-up of paragraph highlighted ]
“September 1, 1939: We allow Germany to invade. PURPOSE: To elicit world sympathy.”
And another page:
[ reveal close-up of paragraph highlighted ]
“February 3, 1962: Allow Bobby Vinton to record, thereby securing world sympathy. Sympathy should be pouring in…” Now, it’s hard to believe.
[ reveal close-up of paragraph highlighted ]
“Secure a spy in the Vatican,” finally, and “Invade Russia.”
[ return to Eddie Murphy at the news desk ]
Eddie Murphy: Well, there you have it: The shocking proof. The Polish invasion of Russia is no playful whim, but a premeditated blueprint for world dominance. And so the spectral Polish world hangs over our heads like a spring-dripping kilbasa. This is unbelievable. THe Russian strategy of waiting and waiting — [ he looks down ] What is this? [ Eddie reads a bulletin handed to him below camera ] Oh, my God, it’s starting to pay off. The Russian strategy of waiting and waiting and wait and waiting has finally paid off. They’ve turned the wrong way, the Polish people. Inexplicably, they are heading toward the Arctic Circle. Uh — “Newsbreak” just acquired some dramatic photos of the beleagured Polish Army heading North. Could we see those photos, please?
[ cut to black-and-white photo of soldiers walking past snow-covered mountains along a path to icy Arctic waters ]
And there they are, obviously lost and very hungry.
[ cut to new black-and-photo, some of the soldiers now waist-deep in the cold Arctic waters ]
Looks like the threat is over, and it’s all over.
[ cut to new black-and-photo, only the soldiers’ helmets appear above the cold Arctic waters ]
Repeat: The Polish invasion of Russia is over.
[ return to Eddie Murphy at the news desk ]
Eddie Murphy: You know, plot or no plot, you’ve got to feel sorry for this plucky little army. They get an “A” for effort. So, once again, the world has gone to the brink of disaster, and kept its balance. This is Eddie Murphy. Sleep well, and God bless.
[ fade ]
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