Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 10
The Rocket Report
[ open on Central Park from above ]
Charles Rocket: Central Park. A veritable oasis in the heart of New York City. Acres and acres of places to have fun, and places to be the victim of a crime. Hi! Charles Rocket. We’re interested in Central Park – How Scary Is It? [ points below ] We went down there to find out..
[ dissolve to earlier film, two couples walking toward a tunnel as Rocket observes ]
A couple of nice young couples walking in Central Park. Everything could be alright, but they’re headed for one of those dangerous tunnels that everyone knows so much about. They don’t seem to be afraid, but it’s the tunnels that have been the hallmark of so much criminal activity. [ couples enter the tunnel, as Rocket moves closer to see ] Hope they’re okay.. sounds like everything’s still alright.. [ peeks in, notices a strange man at the end of the tunnel ] Uh-oh! There’s somebody coming! He got out of the way, but everything’s.. [ yells into the tunnel ] Everything was alright, then?! Everything is okay?! [ from the opposite side of the tunnel, the couples wave at Rocket ] Everything, apparently, is okay! A man came right as the young couple was just about to leave the tunnel, but apparently.. it’s no problem!
[ cut to a group of schoolkids in Central Park ]
Innocent schoolchildren. Are they safe? They may not be. [ camera pans out to reveal a man sitting on a park bench ] There’s a man.. sitting on a park bench.. right near by. If we could just find out what this guy’s up to.. then maybe we could avoid a potentially threatening situation. [ moves closer to the bench ] It’s okay.. he’s just asleep. So, apparently, there’s no danger now.. but there could be soon. Something you have to think about everytime you visit Central Park.
[ cut to Rocket running scared past some trees in Central Park ]
Quick! Behind a tree, or something! Because there’s.. somebody there.. [ looks back ] He’s definitely looking this way.. At least he’s far enough away now that the danger seems to have past, at least for the moment. [ looks again ] Oh no.. oh no! He’s circling up, toward the center.. he could be doubling back this way! It might be best for us to just head back where we came, and.. [ thinking quickly ] Back this way! [ runs down the path like the maniac, and slips on some wet grass, appearing embarrassed ] That’s the kind of thing that can happen when you get scared! Never panic in the park! Because a panicked person is a sure sign to a would-be criminal that there’s a potential victim! So I’ll just have to take this opportunity to collect myself, and then.. slowly.. continue on.. as though nothing at all has happened. Just as all everything were perfectly routine.. here, in Central Park. I’m Charles Rocket! Central Park, New York City. We’ll see you again some other time, and hopefully, under better and more safe circumstances.
[ Rocket walks off, as film ends ]