Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 11
Vince Calypso…..Charles Rocket
Marylin Sparks…..Gail Matthius
…..cast of SNL
(groovy music plays over the opening title. The host sits on a mattress wearing only sunglasses and a swimsuit, holding a microphone, talking in a hip, suggestive tone.)
Vince: Hi. I’m Vince Calypso and welcome to “After Midnight”, the cable TV show that’s not afraid to explore relationships. We believe that only by knowing others can you get to know yourself, whether you’re into swapping or making your loved one walk on a leash. Everything’s all right, as long as nobody gets hurt. We’ve been joined tonight by someone who’s very much into what I’m into … Honey? Tell us your name.
(pan over to “Kitty,” martini in hand)
Kitty: (speaks softly, like Marylin Monroe) My name is Marylin Sparks, but you can call me Kitty. (sips martini)
Vince: Kitty, why don’t you introduce us to your friend here?
(a live sheepdog is also on the mattress with them)
Kitty: Sure. This is Muffin.
Vince,/b>: Kitty, why don’t you tell everybody what we’re going to do with Muffin?
Kitty: We’re going to give Muffin a bath.
Vince: Wowwwwww, that’s good for his coat isn’t it, Kitty?
Kitty: And his mind. The first thing you do is get Muffin all wet.
VinceYou mean like this? (takes a sudsy sponge and rubs it on Kitty’s shoulder. She moans in pleasure as the sheepdog walks off the mattress) Oh, I’m sorry, Kitty. Gee, it’s so much fun to bathe your dog.
Kitty: (gets the sheepdog back on the mattress) Here Muffin, come up here, babe …
Vince: … Or watch someone bathe their dog.
Kitty: Oh, he doesn’t want it … that’s good, sit down.
Vince: … Or even get together and swap dogs. (he squeezes some more suds on Kitty and she moans some more. The sheepdog gets off the mattress again.) Oh my goodness. Oh golly.
(the camera switches to a cross-hairs POV shot which slowly zooms in on the pair)
Kitty: Oh, don’t! … Oh gosh, there goes the dog …
(the cross-hairs lands on Vince’s neck, after which a gunshot is heard, and he falls down. Gail Matthius suddenly breaks out of character)
Matthius: Oh! OH MY GOD!! SOMEBODY SHOT CHARLIE ROCKET!!
(a massive commotion ensues among everyone but the audience – “Charlie Rocket’s been shot!” The cast rushes to his aid)
Risley: OH GOD! OH GOD, DON’T LET HIM DIE! I’M CARRYING HIS BABY!
Dillon: Somebody shot Charlie Rocket!!
Piscopo: Not me! I loved the guy like a brother! What can I tell ya?
Tilton: I LOVE HIM TOO! Oh Charlie, please don’t die! God …
Gottfried: OH MY GOD, HE’S BEEN SHOT! (the mayhem pauses as he turns to Tilton) So you wanna go out to brunch with me?
(resume the mayhem)
Dillon: Somebody’s lying! Somebody here did it! Who did it? I wanna know: WHO SHOT C.R.?
(they all look at the camera in shock as cliffhanger music plays and a caption zooms to the front: “WHO SHOT C.R.?”)
Submitted by: The G Man