SNL Transcripts: Charlene Tilton: 02/21/81: Speaking Out

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 11

80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

Speaking Out

Bill…..Matthew Laurence
Officer Ruth Warren…..Denny Dillon

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to public access set ]

Bill: Good evening. Welcome to “Speaking Out”. Sitting next to me is a member of the New York City Police Department — Officer Ruth Warren. Officer Warren is part of a special unit, recently formed to combat a growing problem in the city. Officer Warren? [ he acknowledges the camera ] speak Out.

Officer Ruth Warren: Thank you, Bill.

Bill: You’re welcome.

Officer Ruth Warren: I’d like to speak out to every citizen who is watching. We have a very serious new crime that is being committed all over the city, and we intend to put a stop to it.

Bill: What is that crime?

Officer Ruth Warren: Well, the crime is illegal use of bathroom facilities that were built for the handicapped only. You see, what we’ve got, Bill, is a lot of people in the wrong toilets.

Bill: That’s awful! That is awful!

Officer Ruth Warren: Right! Now, THEY know they’re in there, and WE know they’re in there, and we intend to pull them OUT of there!

Bill: Well, Officer Warren, uh — what exactly are they doing in there?

Officer Ruth Warren: Well, uh, why, uh… face it, Bill — it’s a great stall! I mean, it’s as big as a room, there’s no graffiti, and, best of all, you’ve got those wonderful chrome rails. You know, you just throw your coat over it.

Bill: Wow, that’s really outrageous to me, that’s outrageous. Now, how do you catch these people?

Officer Ruth Warren: Well, we have our basic techniques. Uh — foremost, of course, of which is surveillance.

Bill: Waht do you mean?

Officer Ruth Warren: Peeking. You know, take a look, preferably over the top.

Bill: Over the top?

Officer Ruth Warren: Uh-huh.

Bill: Did you ever try, you know, just peeking through the crack in the door?

Officer Ruth Warren: Well, Bill, one of our officers tried that, see, and what happened was, the door opened and he lost half his nose.

Bill: Ow! Now, are you making many arrests?

Officer Ruth Warren: Oh, yes. Thanks, of course, in part to our informers.

Bill: Informers. Now, who are those?

Officer Ruth Warren: Oh, well, you have your bathrom regulars, you know, that the police department works with.

Bill: It sounds to me like you’ve got the problem well in hand.

Officer Ruth Warren: Uh, not at all. You know, these people are getting very tricky in there.

Bill: How?

Officer Ruth Warren: Well, the most common trick is, uh, they lift the left foot up, you know? [ she demonstrates ] So that way, if somebody looks underneath, they see a person with one foot, God forbid!

Bill: Oh! These people are getting SO clever these days.

Officer Ruth Warren: Oh, that’s nothing! Now these bimbos are bring shopping carts in there, so when the police look under all they see is wheels.

Bill: Officer Warren, we’re running out of time. Do you have any final comments?

Officer Ruth Warren: Oh, yes. Yes. Uh, yes. We — we — we need public assistance. If anyone sees one of these criminals, please remember: Don’t just sit there, DO SOMETHING!

Bill: “Do something.” Good night. Thank you.

[ fade ]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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