Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 11
Officer Ruth Warren…..Denny Dillon
[ open on title card ] [ dissolve to public access set ]
Bill: Good evening. Welcome to “Speaking Out”. Sitting next to me is a member of the New York City Police Department — Officer Ruth Warren. Officer Warren is part of a special unit, recently formed to combat a growing problem in the city. Officer Warren? [ he acknowledges the camera ] speak Out.
Officer Ruth Warren: Thank you, Bill.
Bill: You’re welcome.
Officer Ruth Warren: I’d like to speak out to every citizen who is watching. We have a very serious new crime that is being committed all over the city, and we intend to put a stop to it.
Bill: What is that crime?
Officer Ruth Warren: Well, the crime is illegal use of bathroom facilities that were built for the handicapped only. You see, what we’ve got, Bill, is a lot of people in the wrong toilets.
Bill: That’s awful! That is awful!
Officer Ruth Warren: Right! Now, THEY know they’re in there, and WE know they’re in there, and we intend to pull them OUT of there!
Bill: Well, Officer Warren, uh — what exactly are they doing in there?
Officer Ruth Warren: Well, uh, why, uh… face it, Bill — it’s a great stall! I mean, it’s as big as a room, there’s no graffiti, and, best of all, you’ve got those wonderful chrome rails. You know, you just throw your coat over it.
Bill: Wow, that’s really outrageous to me, that’s outrageous. Now, how do you catch these people?
Officer Ruth Warren: Well, we have our basic techniques. Uh — foremost, of course, of which is surveillance.
Bill: Waht do you mean?
Officer Ruth Warren: Peeking. You know, take a look, preferably over the top.
Bill: Over the top?
Officer Ruth Warren: Uh-huh.
Bill: Did you ever try, you know, just peeking through the crack in the door?
Officer Ruth Warren: Well, Bill, one of our officers tried that, see, and what happened was, the door opened and he lost half his nose.
Bill: Ow! Now, are you making many arrests?
Officer Ruth Warren: Oh, yes. Thanks, of course, in part to our informers.
Bill: Informers. Now, who are those?
Officer Ruth Warren: Oh, well, you have your bathrom regulars, you know, that the police department works with.
Bill: It sounds to me like you’ve got the problem well in hand.
Officer Ruth Warren: Uh, not at all. You know, these people are getting very tricky in there.
Officer Ruth Warren: Well, the most common trick is, uh, they lift the left foot up, you know? [ she demonstrates ] So that way, if somebody looks underneath, they see a person with one foot, God forbid!
Bill: Oh! These people are getting SO clever these days.
Officer Ruth Warren: Oh, that’s nothing! Now these bimbos are bring shopping carts in there, so when the police look under all they see is wheels.
Bill: Officer Warren, we’re running out of time. Do you have any final comments?
Officer Ruth Warren: Oh, yes. Yes. Uh, yes. We — we — we need public assistance. If anyone sees one of these criminals, please remember: Don’t just sit there, DO SOMETHING!
Bill: “Do something.” Good night. Thank you.[ fade ]