SNL Transcripts: Charlene Tilton: 02/21/81: Speaking Out


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11






80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

Speaking Out

Bill…..Matthew Laurence
Officer Ruth Warren…..Denny Dillon

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to public access set ]

Bill: Good evening. Welcome to “Speaking Out”. Sitting next to me is a member of the New York City Police Department — Officer Ruth Warren. Officer Warren is part of a special unit, recently formed to combat a growing problem in the city. Officer Warren? [ he acknowledges the camera ] speak Out.

Officer Ruth Warren: Thank you, Bill.

Bill: You’re welcome.

Officer Ruth Warren: I’d like to speak out to every citizen who is watching. We have a very serious new crime that is being committed all over the city, and we intend to put a stop to it.

Bill: What is that crime?

Officer Ruth Warren: Well, the crime is illegal use of bathroom facilities that were built for the handicapped only. You see, what we’ve got, Bill, is a lot of people in the wrong toilets.

Bill: That’s awful! That is awful!

Officer Ruth Warren: Right! Now, THEY know they’re in there, and WE know they’re in there, and we intend to pull them OUT of there!

Bill: Well, Officer Warren, uh — what exactly are they doing in there?

Officer Ruth Warren: Well, uh, why, uh… face it, Bill — it’s a great stall! I mean, it’s as big as a room, there’s no graffiti, and, best of all, you’ve got those wonderful chrome rails. You know, you just throw your coat over it.

Bill: Wow, that’s really outrageous to me, that’s outrageous. Now, how do you catch these people?

Officer Ruth Warren: Well, we have our basic techniques. Uh — foremost, of course, of which is surveillance.

Bill: Waht do you mean?

Officer Ruth Warren: Peeking. You know, take a look, preferably over the top.

Bill: Over the top?

Officer Ruth Warren: Uh-huh.

Bill: Did you ever try, you know, just peeking through the crack in the door?

Officer Ruth Warren: Well, Bill, one of our officers tried that, see, and what happened was, the door opened and he lost half his nose.

Bill: Ow! Now, are you making many arrests?

Officer Ruth Warren: Oh, yes. Thanks, of course, in part to our informers.

Bill: Informers. Now, who are those?

Officer Ruth Warren: Oh, well, you have your bathrom regulars, you know, that the police department works with.

Bill: It sounds to me like you’ve got the problem well in hand.

Officer Ruth Warren: Uh, not at all. You know, these people are getting very tricky in there.

Bill: How?

Officer Ruth Warren: Well, the most common trick is, uh, they lift the left foot up, you know? [ she demonstrates ] So that way, if somebody looks underneath, they see a person with one foot, God forbid!

Bill: Oh! These people are getting SO clever these days.

Officer Ruth Warren: Oh, that’s nothing! Now these bimbos are bring shopping carts in there, so when the police look under all they see is wheels.

Bill: Officer Warren, we’re running out of time. Do you have any final comments?

Officer Ruth Warren: Oh, yes. Yes. Uh, yes. We — we — we need public assistance. If anyone sees one of these criminals, please remember: Don’t just sit there, DO SOMETHING!

Bill: “Do something.” Good night. Thank you.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

3 thoughts on “SNL Transcripts: Charlene Tilton: 02/21/81: Speaking Out”

  1. First off alll I would like to say wonderful blog!
    I hadd a quick qustion inn which I’d like to aask iif youu doo noot mind.
    I wass curious to fiund out how you center yoursellf and
    clar yojr hea before writing. I’ve haad difficuty clearinbg my miind inn getting my thoughts out there.
    I ddo emjoy writing however it just seems likie the first 10 to
    15 minutes arre usually lost juhst tryiing tto figure out how to begin. Anny reecommendations orr hints?
    Kudos!

  2. You aree so cool! I don’t believe I hzve resd anyfhing like
    tbat before. So nie tto find someone with genuiine thouhghts on this issue.
    Seriously.. thank youu forr starting this up.
    Thiis webzite is one thing that’s nesded onn the web, omeone withh some originality!

  3. I’m really enjoying thhe theme/design of your
    site. Do you ever run intyo aany browser compatibillity issues?A handful of my
    bloog audienche have complkained about my log not operasting
    correctlyy inn Explofer buut looks geat iin Firefox.
    Do you havbe anny tips too hel fix this issue?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *