Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 11
Haunted Lincoln Bedroom
Nancy Reagan…..Gail Matthius
Doria Reagan…..Ann Risley
Mary Todd Lincoln…..Denny Dillon
Nancy Reagan V/O: “Dear Diary… Everything’s going so well. I’m First-Lady, and every woman in America worships me.” Oh! [ she writes over her entry ] “Every human in America worships me. Only one thing mars my happiness: That scheming opportunist that married my Ron Jr. — Doria!” [ scribbling ferociously ] “DORIA! DORIA!! DORIA!!! If only things could be different…”[ thunder strikes, as the image dissolves to the Lincoln Bedroom ] [ Nancy opens the creaking door while holding a candleabra ]
Nancy Reagan: I wonder what’s taking my new daughter-in-law so long? It isn’t every night a girl gets to sleep in Lincoln’s bedroom.
Doria Reagan: Ow! Ow! It’s pitch black in this hall! Ow!
Nancy Reagan: Oh, I’m sorry, Doria! Take this! [ she throws the candleabra into the hall ] [ Doria screams as she runs into the bedroom ]
Doria Reagan: Oh! I was almost burned!
Nancy Reagan: Thank God you’re all right — we could have had a nasty grease fire.
Doria Reagan: It was awfuly nice of you to invite me to spend the night, Mrs. Reagan. Especially since you referred to me in the papers as “That cheap piece of trash.”
Nancy Reagan: Ohhh, you know the press! Always “quoting” people! I mean… “misquoting” people.
Doria Reagan: Oh. [ she laughs ] But I thought you said Skip was meeting us here?
Nancy Reagan: Oh, he was just called away on an emergency pais-do-do.
Doria Reagan: Oh.
Nancy Reagan: But… he told me to take care of you, and that’s exactly what I intend to do.[ thunder roars ]
Doria Reagan: I don’t know… it’s kind of creepy in here.
Nancy Reagan: Oh, don’t worry — I’m here. If you need me, just ring this. [ she holds up a bell ] [ Nancy exits the bedroom, as thunder continues to rumble ] [ Doria grabs the bell and attempts to ring it, but discovers there’s no tone inside ] [ ominous laughter comes from the hall, so Doria frantically opens the door… only to discover Nancy standing outside the door ]
Nancy Reagan: Oh! [ she covers her mouth ] Sweet dreams! [ she laughs ominously once again, and shuts the door ] [ Doria crosses the room and stands in front of a portrait of Abraham Lincoln, which suddenly reaches out and grabs her hair ]
Doria Reagan: Aiighhhh!!!! Somebody, help me!! Help me!![ Doria rushes across the room and thrusts the door open; Nancy enters ]
Nancy Reagan: What is it?
Doria Reagan: [ frantic ] Abraham Lincoln just tried to do my hair!!
Nancy Reagan: Doria, Doria… you’re imagining things. Abraham Lincoln wouldn’t TOUCH your hair!
Doria Reagan: Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re right. I forgot.[ Nancy shuts the door, then pokes her head back in ]
Nancy Reagan: Of course I’m right.[ Nancy exits ] [ suddenly, there’s a knock at the door ] [ Doria opens the door to reveal a bellboy ]
Bellboy: Are you Doria Reagan?
Doria Reagan: [ afraid ] Yeah!
Bellboy: I got a ticket for you. Ford Theater. Balcony. Care of… Mr. Booth. Enjoy.[ he exits and closes the door ]
Doria Reagan: What is going ON here?![ thunder strikes, and a voice begins to moan from underneath the bedsheets ] [ suddenly, the bedsheets flip over to reveal Mary Todd Lincoln singing ]
Doria Reagan: Aiiiigghhhh!!! Mary Todd Lincoln singing Rogers & Hammerstein!! I’m getting out of here!! Somebody!! Somebody!![ Doria thrusts open the bedroom door, as Nancy appears ]
Doria Reagan: I’m leaving! And don’t you try and stop me![ Nancy holds up Doria’s suitcase ] [ Doria grabs her suitcase and runs down the hall, screaming as she crashes down the stairs ]
Nancy Reagan: Oh, and be careful on those stairs! Someone left marbles all over them![ Nancy laughs ominously, as thunder crackles ] [ pull out on set, then upward into the balcony, zoom in on man in the audience with SUPER: “Couldn’t Score At Woodstock” ] [ fade ]