Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 12
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
March 7th, 1981
Bill Murray
Delbert McClinton
None
Bonnie Bramlett
Mark King
Paul Shaffer
Neil Levy
Brian Doyle-Murray
It Just Doesn’t Matter
Summary: Bill Murray tells the worried cast to ignore SNL’s bad ratings and to adopt a laissez-faire attitude towards performing on tonight’s show.
Note: Despite Bill Murray’s pep talk, this would be the final episode for Gilbert Gottfried, Ann Risley, Charles Rocket, Matthew Laurance and Patrick Weathers, as well as writer/non-credited performer Mitchell Kriegman.
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Montage
Bill Murray’s Monologue
Summary: An excited Bill Murray tosses a woman in the audience over his shoulder. Eddie Murphy rushes out to stop his antics, whereupon the duo proclaim themselves a star-powered comedy team.
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Formula for the Good Life
Summary: Jersey guy Paulie Herman (Joe Piscopo) speaks favorably of the chemical industry.
Recurring Characters: Paulie Herman.
Script in Development
Summary: The revisions in a writer’s (Bill Murray) mystery novel are acted out behind him as he types.
Transcript
Altered Walter
Summary: Walter Cronkite (Bill Murray) gets stoned in a sensory-deprivation tank, much to the changrin of his wife (Denny Dillon) and Dan Rather (Joe Piscopo).
Recurring Characters: Walter Cronkite, Dan Rather.
Delbert McClinton and Bonnie Bramlett perform “Givin’ It Up For Your Love”
Saturday Night Newsline
Summary: Dr. Jonathan Lear (Mark King) shows off photos of DNA molecules.
Bio: Mark King (1958-) is the bass player for the band Level 42, who would later appear as musical guest in 1986.
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Chapstick Celebrities
Summary: “Chapstick” is the new last name preferred by celebrities everywhere.
Recurring Characters: Sammy Davis Jr.
Saturday Night Newsline II
Summary: Bill Murray’s annual Oscar picks result in awards given to SNL’s original cast.
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Nick Rivers
Summary: Nick “Rivers” (Bill Murray) entertains passengers aboard a Mardi Gras cruise along the Mississippi River.
Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer.
Note: Paul Shaffer’s last official episode as leader of the SNL band is marked by his appearance in this sketch.
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Saturday Night Newsline III
Summary: Sports reporter Joe Piscopo suggests softer sticks as a solution to hockey violence.
Note: Charles Rocket references his F-bomb from the last episode, by asking “Did you say puck?” in response to Joe Piscopo’s report.
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“Cut Flowers”
Summary: In a film by Mary Pat Kelly, an indecisive man (Brian Doyle-Murray) visits a florist (Bill Murray).
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No Sex With Mary
Summary: To avoid starting a scandal, Mary Cunningham’s (Gail Matthius) new co-executives insist that they’re not sleeping with her.
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What’s The Cat’s Name?
Summary: Ron (Matthew Laurance) house guests (Bill Murray, Ann Risley) try in vain to remember the name of his cat.
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Delbert McClinton and Bonnie Bramlett perform “Shotgun Rider”
Bubba’s Wash, Fayetta’s Dry
Summary: Bubba (Bill Murray) and Fayetta (Denny Dillon) are forced to share their laundromat after their divorce.
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Goodnights
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