SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 12

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 7th, 1981

Bill Murray

Delbert McClinton


Bonnie Bramlett

Mark King

Paul Shaffer

Neil Levy

Brian Doyle-Murray
It Just Doesn’t MatterSummary: Bill Murray tells the worried cast to ignore SNL’s bad ratings and to adopt a laissez-faire attitude towards performing on tonight’s show.

Note: Despite Bill Murray’s pep talk, this would be the final episode for Gilbert Gottfried, Ann Risley, Charles Rocket, Matthew Laurance and Patrick Weathers, as well as writer/non-credited performer Mitchell Kriegman.



Bill Murray’s MonologueSummary: An excited Bill Murray tosses a woman in the audience over his shoulder. Eddie Murphy rushes out to stop his antics, whereupon the duo proclaim themselves a star-powered comedy team.


Formula for the Good LifeSummary: Jersey guy Paulie Herman (Joe Piscopo) speaks favorably of the chemical industry.

Recurring Characters: Paulie Herman.

Script in DevelopmentSummary: The revisions in a writer’s (Bill Murray) mystery novel are acted out behind him as he types.


Altered WalterSummary: Walter Cronkite (Bill Murray) gets stoned in a sensory-deprivation tank, much to the changrin of his wife (Denny Dillon) and Dan Rather (Joe Piscopo).

Recurring Characters: Walter Cronkite, Dan Rather.

Delbert McClinton and Bonnie Bramlett perform “Givin’ It Up For Your Love”

Saturday Night NewslineSummary: Dr. Jonathan Lear (Mark King) shows off photos of DNA molecules.

Bio: Mark King (1958-) is the bass player for the band Level 42, who would later appear as musical guest in 1986.


Chapstick CelebritiesSummary: “Chapstick” is the new last name preferred by celebrities everywhere.

Recurring Characters: Sammy Davis Jr.

Saturday Night Newsline IISummary: Bill Murray’s annual Oscar picks result in awards given to SNL’s original cast.


Nick RiversSummary: Nick “Rivers” (Bill Murray) entertains passengers aboard a Mardi Gras cruise along the Mississippi River.

Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer.

Note: Paul Shaffer’s last official episode as leader of the SNL band is marked by his appearance in this sketch.


Saturday Night Newsline IIISummary: Sports reporter Joe Piscopo suggests softer sticks as a solution to hockey violence.

Note: Charles Rocket references his F-bomb from the last episode, by asking “Did you say puck?” in response to Joe Piscopo’s report.


“Cut Flowers”Summary: In a film by Mary Pat Kelly, an indecisive man (Brian Doyle-Murray) visits a florist (Bill Murray).


No Sex With MarySummary: To avoid starting a scandal, Mary Cunningham’s (Gail Matthius) new co-executives insist that they’re not sleeping with her.


What’s The Cat’s Name?Summary: Ron (Matthew Laurance) house guests (Bill Murray, Ann Risley) try in vain to remember the name of his cat.


Delbert McClinton and Bonnie Bramlett perform “Shotgun Rider”

Bubba’s Wash, Fayetta’s DrySummary: Bubba (Bill Murray) and Fayetta (Denny Dillon) are forced to share their laundromat after their divorce.



SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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