Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 12
Bubba’s Wash, Fayetta’s Dry
Bubba Hightower…..Bill Murray
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson…..Denny Dillon
[ open on interior, Bubba’s Wash Fayetta’s Dry, as the phone rings ]
Bubba Hightower: [ peeking out from behind a washing machine ] Fayetta, if that mouth of yours is empty for a change, could you grab the phone?
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: You never used to talk to me like that when we was married.
Bubba Hightower: When we was married, you was home like you supposed to be, instead of hanging around here making me worry over you half to death. Now, come on!
[ she stands to answer the ringing payphone ]
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Fayetta’s Wash, Bubba’s Dry. Yeah, hold on. [ to Bubba ] It’s that mangy thing from the diner, wanting you to waste some more of your MONEY on her!
Bubba Hightower: First off — it’s BUBBA’S Wash and Fayetta’s Dry! You know that! And second of all, anybody who’s seeing one of the lowlife Watson Brothers ain’t got NO reason to come down on ME! Huh, Miss Priss? [ into the phone ] Hey, Pretty Girl! Shoot, you about to run me ragged. I can’t keep up with you, you feisty thing! Well, that’s Old Spice — I’ve been wearing it for years. Yeah, there are about thirty women right here now beating my door down, you know?
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Hey, why don’t you let ’em out?!
Bubba Hightower: Excuse me, Sweetheart, but that sorry excuse of an ex-wife of mine’s having one of her STUPID fits. And the only known cure is shoving another one of them Payday bars down that highway of a throat of hers. I’ll call you back, Sweetest of Mine. [ he hangs up ] Fayetta, there is only ONE reason you are here. And that is because some greenhorn judge gave you one half of my hard-earned, operated laundromat! Now, just keep to your one-half — the dryers… and I will keep to my one-half — the washers! Okay?
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: No OKAY, Mr. Big Time! You keep to your dryers, and I’ll keep to my washers! What do you know about color-fast cottons?! You singlehandedly bleached the star right off Ed Carruthers’ Texaco shirt! She had to send all the way to Lobo for a new one!
Bubba Hightower: Oh, THAT’S it, Fayetta! [ he puts up his dukes ] Dig in! Come on, dig in! Dig in!
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Well, now you KNOW you never been the same since you got that shrapnel in your head! If I was you, I’d go SUE the U.S. Army and tell them to put your head back on right!
Bubba Hightower: Don’t start on my plate! My plate is MY plate! Don’t start on my plate!
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Did you tell your little piece of White Christmas trash that you can pick up pieces of PAUL HARVEY and bits and pieces of CLEVELAND without ever going near no radio?!
Bubba Hightower: She don’t — she don’t CARE about my plate! She cares about ME, Bubba Hightower! She don’t even know about no plate!
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Oh, she don’t even KNOW?!
Bubba Hightower: No!
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: She don’t even know that if she takes up with YOU, she’s gonna be spending the night with Radio-Free Europe?! She don’t even know that she’s gotta line all your HATS with a HALF-INCH of industrial fiberglass?! And does she even CARE about who’s who in Phillipine nightlife?!
Bubba Hightower: [ fuming ] Well, at least I ain’t UGLY!! [ he turns his back ] — Like that Pillsbury Doughboy you’ve been serenading! Why don’t he wear clothes that fit? He get ’em from H.E.W., or something?
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Well!
Bubba Hightower: He always looks like ten pounds of potatoes in a five-pound sack!
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Well, now, Bubba, it don’t matter what he looks like on the outside, ’cause his insides is always PURE and UPLIFTING all the time!
Bubba Hightower: Oh, is thaaaat riiiiight? [ hopping around the room ] Is thaaaat riiight? Miss Fayetta. Lurlene. Dawson. Hightower. Dawson, again! Oh, well! I just happen to PICK UP that ol’ Watson boy — the fat doughboy — on my plate the other day, and he was talking about you — and what he said can’t be repeated by no Christian.
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: What’d he say?
Bubba Hightower: No, Ma’am, I — I ain’t talking.
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Well, you was talking a MINUTE ago, Mr. Smarty! Now, OPEN your mouth and TALK!! I said TALK!!
Bubba Hightower: I said “No!”, Fayetta, and I think I’d better mean “No!” So go on, now, about your business and leave me alone.
[ Bubba crosses the room as Fayetta stands to retrieve laundry from a dryer ]
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Bubba? Was he making fun of me?
Bubba Hightower: [ fiddling with his wrench ] Yeah.
[ contemplative silence ]
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Yuo know what I miss most? Matching up your socks.
[ Bubba puts down his wrench and approaches Fayetta, smiling ]
Bubba Hightower: He don’t wear Old Spice, do he?
[ Fayetta shakes her head no ]
Bubba Hightower: Oh, damn it.
[ Bubba kneels down, kisses Fayetta passionately and crashes his back onto a dryer ]
[ the radio voice of Paul Harvey pipes into the air ]
Voice of Paul Harvey: Page Two — Cost of Living…
Bubba Hightower: Alright, quick, Fayetta — get my hat, will you?
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Well, now, you know absent-minded me — I threw ’em all away!
Bubba Hightower: I’ll kill you!
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Why don’t you tell your little piece of White Christmas trash to get a hat for you, honey!
Bubba Hightower: I’ll kill you! I swear, I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you! Where’s the hat?!
[ Bubba chases Fayetta around the table, as the camera pulls back with SUPER: “Coming Up: Celibacy: The New EXcuse” ]
[ fade ]