SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: The Cat’s Name

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 12

80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

The Cat’s Name

Richard … Bill Murray
Marilyn … Ann Risley
Ron … Matthew Laurance

[Richard and Marilyn rush up breathlessly to the doorof their friend Ron’s apartment.]

Marilyn: You were driving like a maniac. What,are we late?

Richard: No. We made it. Barely. I – I justdon’t like to keep people waiting.

Marilyn: All right, all right.

Richard: Okay. [Marilyn starts to ring thedoorbell] Wait! Honey! What is Ron’s cat’s name? [shecan’t remember – neither can he – they are instantlystressed out] Oh. The cat? The cat’s name?

Marilyn: [thinking] Ohhhhh. Ahhhh.

Richard: Oh, no. Gee.

Marilyn: Ahhhh.

Richard: Oh, I can’t believe it. I can’tbelieve I can’t remember the cat’s name.

Marilyn: The cat. The cat. It sent us that, uh,crossword puzzle book for Christmas.

Richard: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, the cat. I mean, Ican’t believe it. What’s the cat’s name? Wait. Thename – the name was on the Christmas card. Wait asecond. [remembering] “Happy Santa Claus Day from Ron… and …”

[But they draw a blank, continuing to moan and sighand contort their faces. As they struggle, breathingheavily, the apartment door opens and Ron appearscarrying his fluffy white cat.]

Ron: I thought I heard you two outhere!

Richard: [embarrassed] Hello, Ron.

Marilyn: [chuckles self-consciously]

Ron: [off the cat] I got somebody who wants tosay hello to you.

Marilyn: Ohhhh.

Ron: Come on in, come on in, come onin.

[Richard and Marilyn enter the apartment as Ronmentions their names (for the benefit of the cat?).Ron, a pleasant host, barely notices his guests’severe discomfort and numerous exchanged glancesthroughout the sketch.]

Ron: Marilyn. Dick.

[The couple sits on the sofa. Ron leans over betweenthem holding the cat.]

Richard: [jovially, off the cat] Hey, lookwho’s here.

Marilyn: Ah!

Richard: [jokingly] Gee, I don’t recognize thatcat.

Ron: [amused] No?

Richard: Who IS that cat?

Ron: [laughs, to Marilyn, off Richard] What akidder this guy is!

Richard: I don’t think I recall thatcat.

Marilyn: [playing along] Uh uh! Neither doI!

Richard: [takes cat from Ron] Hey, somebody’sgot a little bit bigger here.

Marilyn: Oh, yeah.

Richard: [inspecting the cat’s genitalia todetermine its gender] This, uh, this cat looks like,uh, she’s about ready to have kittens – or be thefather of kittens or something.

Ron: Nah, nah.

Richard: Can’t tell.

Ron: Nah, I’m just, uh, I’m feeding her moresteak and hamburger. You know.

Richard: Oh, she’s eatin’ steak? She didn’talways eat steak.

Ron: No, no, she didn’t.

Richard: When you – When you first started withher, you used to feed her–

Ron: Yeah? [takes back the cat] Come here, comeon.

Richard: What was it you used to say to her?You had something that you said and– Oh, ‘memberthat? What you used to say to her when you fedher?

Ron: I can’t believe you remember that.

Richard: Yeah, oh, yeah.

Marilyn: Yeah, yeah.

Ron: I can’t believe it.

Richard: Yeah.

Marilyn: Yeah.

Ron: I used to say …

Marilyn: Yeah?

Ron: [playfully, to the cat] “What do YOU wantfor DINNER?!”

[Marilyn forces a laugh, Richard looks downcast, rollshis eyes.]

Ron: That right?

Marilyn: Yeah. Do you still have those kittydishes you used to have?

Richard: [with gusto] With the name onit!

Ron: Yeah. Sure. I got her new ones,though.

Marilyn: Oh, new ones?!

Richard: Oh, you did? New ones? [excited] Canwe see ’em?!

Marilyn: Uh, in the kitchen, right?

Richard: Great! Let’s go in there!

[Richard and Marilyn bolt off the sofa and rush forthe kitchen but Ron intercepts them.]

Ron: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.Don’t go in there. Don’t go in there. I’m preparingsomething very special for dinner, I don’t want you tosee. Back up. Back up.

[Richard and Marilyn reluctantly return to the sofaand sit.]

Marilyn: Oh, oh. It’s a surprise.

Ron: That’s it. I’m gonna go get the drinks.Okay? [hands Marilyn the cat as she and Richard nodand chuckle nervously] Okay, stingers, right?

Marilyn: All right. Right.

Ron: Okay!

[Ron exits, leaving Richard and Marilyn with the cat.They are extremely distressed as they wrack theirbrains.]

Richard: Okay, all right, it’s a name. I thinkit’s a human name. Uhhhh, uhhhh.

Marilyn: It’s on the DAMN DISH in thekitchen!

Richard: Ah, it’s a name. It’s the name of acartoon or a movie or something like that. [takes thecat, talks to it] Popeye?

Marilyn: No, no.

Richard: Popeye? Popeye?

Marilyn: No.

Richard: Damien?! Damien?!

Marilyn: No.

Richard: R2-D2?

Marilyn: No. No, no.

Richard: R2-D2?

Marilyn: No, no. Ah, Lolita!

Richard: It’ll come to us. It’ll come to us.

Marilyn: I’m going crazy. I can’t even thinkstraight.

[Ron returns with a tray of vodka stingers.]

Ron: Stingers!

Marilyn: [trying to summon enthusiasm] Allright!

Richard: Those look great.

Ron: Stingers!

Richard: Oh ho, those look good. Go forit.

Ron: Okay.

[Richard and Marilyn down their drinks instantly.]

Marilyn: Mmm.

Ron: [to the cat] None for you.

[Richard and Marilyn hand their empty glasses back toRon to get rid of him.]

Richard: Could I have another, please?

Marilyn: Yeah. Me, too.

Ron: [startled] Yeah. Sure. Sure.

[Richard and Marilyn chuckle nervously as Ronexits.]

Marilyn: I hate that cat.

Richard: My eyes are watering likecrazy!

[Richard and Marilyn pull fur off theirclothes.]

Marilyn: Look at my dress — it’s my favoritedress!

Richard: Your dress? [off the fur] Look atthis! Look at this! Look at this!

Marilyn: When we came in–

Richard: We’re gonna have to burn theseclothes. We’re gonna smell like cat urine andeverything else.

Marilyn: When we came in the door, did yousmell that? I mean, it almost knocked me over! Doesn’the ever change the litter box? It’s like a zoo inhere.

Richard: How old is this cat? Isn’t it gonnadie soon?

Marilyn: I don’t–

[Ron returns without the stingers.]

Ron: [explains, pleasantly] We’re gonna have togo get some more creme de menthe!

Marilyn: I love this kitty.

Ron: [picks up the cat] Come here,baby.

Richard: [sudden inspiration, to Ron] CAN I USEYOUR PHONE?!

Ron: Yeah. Sure.

Richard: Thank you!

Ron: Go ahead, Rich.

[Richard leaps up, runs to phone in background, anddials a number as Marilyn tries to get Ron out of theroom. She picks up Ron’s unfinished stinger.]

Marilyn: Uh, could I – could I have an olive inthis?

Ron: An olive? In – in a vodka stinger?

Marilyn: Yeah.

[Ron laughs and hands Marilyn the cat as he takes thestinger from her.]

Marilyn: It’s great.

Ron: Okay. [rises, heads for thekitchen]

Marilyn: It’s the best, it really is.

Ron: Ohhh, we’re havin’ some time, huh?

Marilyn: Yeah, havin’ some time.

[Ron exits.]

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Jill!It’s Richard. [checks to see that Ron is gone] What’sRon’s cat’s name? No, no, no. That’s his – that’s hisex-wife. What is his cat’s name? Yeah, it’s a movie orsomething like that.

Marilyn: Call Andrea.

Richard: [into the phone] Would Andrea know?I’ll try her.

[Richard hangs up as Ron returns with the stinger forMarilyn.]

Richard: [intense, to Ron] MAY I MAKE ANOTHERPHONE CALL?!

Ron: [to Richard] Yeah, sure. Noproblem.

[Richard instantly picks up and dials as Ron handsMarilyn the drink.]

Marilyn: [to Ron] Thanks. [sips drink]

Ron: [chuckles]

Marilyn: [to Ron, off the drink] Oh, it’s greatnow.

Ron: [picks up the cat] Come here. Come here.Come back here.

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Andrea?It’s Richard. I’m here with Ron. And his cat.

Ron: [to Marilyn] You wanna see somethin’great?

Marilyn: [to Ron] Yeah.

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Hiscat. You know, the white cat.

Ron: [to Marilyn] If you say this cat’s name,she’ll smile at you.

Marilyn: [to Ron] Nooooo. Noooooo.

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Youknow, you know, the cat that smiles when you say itsname, Andrea.

Ron: [to Marilyn] Yeah! Yeah! I swear.

Marilyn: [to Ron] Go on, say it!

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice]Andrea…

Ron: [to Marilyn] No, no, no, no. I want YOU tosay it.

Marilyn: [to Ron] Nooooo, nooo, nooo.

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Thewhite cat. Ron’s white cat that’s all over thehouse.

Ron: Go on. Go ahead and say it.

Marilyn: [to Ron] I don’t believe she can dothat.

Ron: [to Marilyn] She can do it. She can doit.

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice]Andrea… [completely loses it, to the astonishment ofRon and Marilyn] What is the DAMN CAT’S NAME?! WHAT ISIT?! WHAT IS THE CAT’S NAME?! WHAT IS RON’S CAT’SNAME?! THE CAT THAT SMILES WHEN YOU SAY ITSNAME?!BECAUSE I WANT IT TO SMILE,THAT’S WHY!!!! WHAT’S THE DAMN CAT’S NAME?![beat] THANK YOU!! [hangs up, suddenly affectionateand friendly, to the cat] Hello, Herman!

[Ron and Marilyn exchange happy glances and look atthe cat. Richard has apparently made Hermansmile.]

Ron: [to Richard] You did it!

Richard: [points to Herman] He smiled! He’ssmiling!

[Dissolve to a wider view of the set with cameras,mikes and the applauding crowd visible. A superimposedtext reads: Coming Up: JEAN HARRIS SHOOTING DR.J.]

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