Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 12
The Cat’s Name
Richard … Bill Murray
Marilyn … Ann Risley
Ron … Matthew Laurance
[Richard and Marilyn rush up breathlessly to the doorof their friend Ron’s apartment.]
Marilyn: You were driving like a maniac. What,are we late?
Richard: No. We made it. Barely. I – I justdon’t like to keep people waiting.
Marilyn: All right, all right.
Richard: Okay. [Marilyn starts to ring thedoorbell] Wait! Honey! What is Ron’s cat’s name? [shecan’t remember – neither can he – they are instantlystressed out] Oh. The cat? The cat’s name?
Marilyn: [thinking] Ohhhhh. Ahhhh.
Richard: Oh, no. Gee.
Richard: Oh, I can’t believe it. I can’tbelieve I can’t remember the cat’s name.
Marilyn: The cat. The cat. It sent us that, uh,crossword puzzle book for Christmas.
Richard: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, the cat. I mean, Ican’t believe it. What’s the cat’s name? Wait. Thename – the name was on the Christmas card. Wait asecond. [remembering] “Happy Santa Claus Day from Ron… and …”
[But they draw a blank, continuing to moan and sighand contort their faces. As they struggle, breathingheavily, the apartment door opens and Ron appearscarrying his fluffy white cat.]
Ron: I thought I heard you two outhere!
Richard: [embarrassed] Hello, Ron.
Marilyn: [chuckles self-consciously]
Ron: [off the cat] I got somebody who wants tosay hello to you.
Ron: Come on in, come on in, come onin.
[Richard and Marilyn enter the apartment as Ronmentions their names (for the benefit of the cat?).Ron, a pleasant host, barely notices his guests’severe discomfort and numerous exchanged glancesthroughout the sketch.]
Ron: Marilyn. Dick.
[The couple sits on the sofa. Ron leans over betweenthem holding the cat.]
Richard: [jovially, off the cat] Hey, lookwho’s here.
Richard: [jokingly] Gee, I don’t recognize thatcat.
Ron: [amused] No?
Richard: Who IS that cat?
Ron: [laughs, to Marilyn, off Richard] What akidder this guy is!
Richard: I don’t think I recall thatcat.
Marilyn: [playing along] Uh uh! Neither doI!
Richard: [takes cat from Ron] Hey, somebody’sgot a little bit bigger here.
Marilyn: Oh, yeah.
Richard: [inspecting the cat’s genitalia todetermine its gender] This, uh, this cat looks like,uh, she’s about ready to have kittens – or be thefather of kittens or something.
Ron: Nah, nah.
Richard: Can’t tell.
Ron: Nah, I’m just, uh, I’m feeding her moresteak and hamburger. You know.
Richard: Oh, she’s eatin’ steak? She didn’talways eat steak.
Ron: No, no, she didn’t.
Richard: When you – When you first started withher, you used to feed her–
Ron: Yeah? [takes back the cat] Come here, comeon.
Richard: What was it you used to say to her?You had something that you said and– Oh, ‘memberthat? What you used to say to her when you fedher?
Ron: I can’t believe you remember that.
Richard: Yeah, oh, yeah.
Marilyn: Yeah, yeah.
Ron: I can’t believe it.
Ron: I used to say …
Ron: [playfully, to the cat] “What do YOU wantfor DINNER?!”
[Marilyn forces a laugh, Richard looks downcast, rollshis eyes.]
Ron: That right?
Marilyn: Yeah. Do you still have those kittydishes you used to have?
Richard: [with gusto] With the name onit!
Ron: Yeah. Sure. I got her new ones,though.
Marilyn: Oh, new ones?!
Richard: Oh, you did? New ones? [excited] Canwe see ’em?!
Marilyn: Uh, in the kitchen, right?
Richard: Great! Let’s go in there!
[Richard and Marilyn bolt off the sofa and rush forthe kitchen but Ron intercepts them.]
Ron: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.Don’t go in there. Don’t go in there. I’m preparingsomething very special for dinner, I don’t want you tosee. Back up. Back up.
[Richard and Marilyn reluctantly return to the sofaand sit.]
Marilyn: Oh, oh. It’s a surprise.
Ron: That’s it. I’m gonna go get the drinks.Okay? [hands Marilyn the cat as she and Richard nodand chuckle nervously] Okay, stingers, right?
Marilyn: All right. Right.
[Ron exits, leaving Richard and Marilyn with the cat.They are extremely distressed as they wrack theirbrains.]
Richard: Okay, all right, it’s a name. I thinkit’s a human name. Uhhhh, uhhhh.
Marilyn: It’s on the DAMN DISH in thekitchen!
Richard: Ah, it’s a name. It’s the name of acartoon or a movie or something like that. [takes thecat, talks to it] Popeye?
Marilyn: No, no.
Richard: Popeye? Popeye?
Richard: Damien?! Damien?!
Marilyn: No. No, no.
Marilyn: No, no. Ah, Lolita!
Richard: It’ll come to us. It’ll come to us.
Marilyn: I’m going crazy. I can’t even thinkstraight.
[Ron returns with a tray of vodka stingers.]
Marilyn: [trying to summon enthusiasm] Allright!
Richard: Those look great.
Richard: Oh ho, those look good. Go forit.
[Richard and Marilyn down their drinks instantly.]
Ron: [to the cat] None for you.
[Richard and Marilyn hand their empty glasses back toRon to get rid of him.]
Richard: Could I have another, please?
Marilyn: Yeah. Me, too.
Ron: [startled] Yeah. Sure. Sure.
[Richard and Marilyn chuckle nervously as Ronexits.]
Marilyn: I hate that cat.
Richard: My eyes are watering likecrazy!
[Richard and Marilyn pull fur off theirclothes.]
Marilyn: Look at my dress — it’s my favoritedress!
Richard: Your dress? [off the fur] Look atthis! Look at this! Look at this!
Marilyn: When we came in–
Richard: We’re gonna have to burn theseclothes. We’re gonna smell like cat urine andeverything else.
Marilyn: When we came in the door, did yousmell that? I mean, it almost knocked me over! Doesn’the ever change the litter box? It’s like a zoo inhere.
Richard: How old is this cat? Isn’t it gonnadie soon?
Marilyn: I don’t–
[Ron returns without the stingers.]
Ron: [explains, pleasantly] We’re gonna have togo get some more creme de menthe!
Marilyn: I love this kitty.
Ron: [picks up the cat] Come here,baby.
Richard: [sudden inspiration, to Ron] CAN I USEYOUR PHONE?!
Ron: Yeah. Sure.
Richard: Thank you!
Ron: Go ahead, Rich.
[Richard leaps up, runs to phone in background, anddials a number as Marilyn tries to get Ron out of theroom. She picks up Ron’s unfinished stinger.]
Marilyn: Uh, could I – could I have an olive inthis?
Ron: An olive? In – in a vodka stinger?
[Ron laughs and hands Marilyn the cat as he takes thestinger from her.]
Marilyn: It’s great.
Ron: Okay. [rises, heads for thekitchen]
Marilyn: It’s the best, it really is.
Ron: Ohhh, we’re havin’ some time, huh?
Marilyn: Yeah, havin’ some time.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Jill!It’s Richard. [checks to see that Ron is gone] What’sRon’s cat’s name? No, no, no. That’s his – that’s hisex-wife. What is his cat’s name? Yeah, it’s a movie orsomething like that.
Marilyn: Call Andrea.
Richard: [into the phone] Would Andrea know?I’ll try her.
[Richard hangs up as Ron returns with the stinger forMarilyn.]
Richard: [intense, to Ron] MAY I MAKE ANOTHERPHONE CALL?!
Ron: [to Richard] Yeah, sure. Noproblem.
[Richard instantly picks up and dials as Ron handsMarilyn the drink.]
Marilyn: [to Ron] Thanks. [sips drink]
Marilyn: [to Ron, off the drink] Oh, it’s greatnow.
Ron: [picks up the cat] Come here. Come here.Come back here.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Andrea?It’s Richard. I’m here with Ron. And his cat.
Ron: [to Marilyn] You wanna see somethin’great?
Marilyn: [to Ron] Yeah.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Hiscat. You know, the white cat.
Ron: [to Marilyn] If you say this cat’s name,she’ll smile at you.
Marilyn: [to Ron] Nooooo. Noooooo.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Youknow, you know, the cat that smiles when you say itsname, Andrea.
Ron: [to Marilyn] Yeah! Yeah! I swear.
Marilyn: [to Ron] Go on, say it!
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice]Andrea…
Ron: [to Marilyn] No, no, no, no. I want YOU tosay it.
Marilyn: [to Ron] Nooooo, nooo, nooo.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Thewhite cat. Ron’s white cat that’s all over thehouse.
Ron: Go on. Go ahead and say it.
Marilyn: [to Ron] I don’t believe she can dothat.
Ron: [to Marilyn] She can do it. She can doit.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice]Andrea… [completely loses it, to the astonishment ofRon and Marilyn] What is the DAMN CAT’S NAME?! WHAT ISIT?! WHAT IS THE CAT’S NAME?! WHAT IS RON’S CAT’SNAME?! THE CAT THAT SMILES WHEN YOU SAY ITSNAME?! … BECAUSE I WANT IT TO SMILE,THAT’S WHY!!!! WHAT’S THE DAMN CAT’S NAME?![beat] THANK YOU!! [hangs up, suddenly affectionateand friendly, to the cat] Hello, Herman!
[Ron and Marilyn exchange happy glances and look atthe cat. Richard has apparently made Hermansmile.]
Ron: [to Richard] You did it!
Richard: [points to Herman] He smiled! He’ssmiling!
[Dissolve to a wider view of the set with cameras,mikes and the applauding crowd visible. A superimposedtext reads: Coming Up: JEAN HARRIS SHOOTING DR.J.]