SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: The Cat’s Name


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12


80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

The Cat’s Name

Richard … Bill Murray
Marilyn … Ann Risley
Ron … Matthew Laurance

[Richard and Marilyn rush up breathlessly to the doorof their friend Ron’s apartment.]

Marilyn: You were driving like a maniac. What,are we late?

Richard: No. We made it. Barely. I – I justdon’t like to keep people waiting.

Marilyn: All right, all right.

Richard: Okay. [Marilyn starts to ring thedoorbell] Wait! Honey! What is Ron’s cat’s name? [shecan’t remember – neither can he – they are instantlystressed out] Oh. The cat? The cat’s name?

Marilyn: [thinking] Ohhhhh. Ahhhh.

Richard: Oh, no. Gee.

Marilyn: Ahhhh.

Richard: Oh, I can’t believe it. I can’tbelieve I can’t remember the cat’s name.

Marilyn: The cat. The cat. It sent us that, uh,crossword puzzle book for Christmas.

Richard: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, the cat. I mean, Ican’t believe it. What’s the cat’s name? Wait. Thename – the name was on the Christmas card. Wait asecond. [remembering] “Happy Santa Claus Day from Ron… and …”

[But they draw a blank, continuing to moan and sighand contort their faces. As they struggle, breathingheavily, the apartment door opens and Ron appearscarrying his fluffy white cat.]

Ron: I thought I heard you two outhere!

Richard: [embarrassed] Hello, Ron.

Marilyn: [chuckles self-consciously]

Ron: [off the cat] I got somebody who wants tosay hello to you.

Marilyn: Ohhhh.

Ron: Come on in, come on in, come onin.

[Richard and Marilyn enter the apartment as Ronmentions their names (for the benefit of the cat?).Ron, a pleasant host, barely notices his guests’severe discomfort and numerous exchanged glancesthroughout the sketch.]

Ron: Marilyn. Dick.

[The couple sits on the sofa. Ron leans over betweenthem holding the cat.]

Richard: [jovially, off the cat] Hey, lookwho’s here.

Marilyn: Ah!

Richard: [jokingly] Gee, I don’t recognize thatcat.

Ron: [amused] No?

Richard: Who IS that cat?

Ron: [laughs, to Marilyn, off Richard] What akidder this guy is!

Richard: I don’t think I recall thatcat.

Marilyn: [playing along] Uh uh! Neither doI!

Richard: [takes cat from Ron] Hey, somebody’sgot a little bit bigger here.

Marilyn: Oh, yeah.

Richard: [inspecting the cat’s genitalia todetermine its gender] This, uh, this cat looks like,uh, she’s about ready to have kittens – or be thefather of kittens or something.

Ron: Nah, nah.

Richard: Can’t tell.

Ron: Nah, I’m just, uh, I’m feeding her moresteak and hamburger. You know.

Richard: Oh, she’s eatin’ steak? She didn’talways eat steak.

Ron: No, no, she didn’t.

Richard: When you – When you first started withher, you used to feed her–

Ron: Yeah? [takes back the cat] Come here, comeon.

Richard: What was it you used to say to her?You had something that you said and– Oh, ‘memberthat? What you used to say to her when you fedher?

Ron: I can’t believe you remember that.

Richard: Yeah, oh, yeah.

Marilyn: Yeah, yeah.

Ron: I can’t believe it.

Richard: Yeah.

Marilyn: Yeah.

Ron: I used to say …

Marilyn: Yeah?

Ron: [playfully, to the cat] “What do YOU wantfor DINNER?!”

[Marilyn forces a laugh, Richard looks downcast, rollshis eyes.]

Ron: That right?

Marilyn: Yeah. Do you still have those kittydishes you used to have?

Richard: [with gusto] With the name onit!

Ron: Yeah. Sure. I got her new ones,though.

Marilyn: Oh, new ones?!

Richard: Oh, you did? New ones? [excited] Canwe see ’em?!

Marilyn: Uh, in the kitchen, right?

Richard: Great! Let’s go in there!

[Richard and Marilyn bolt off the sofa and rush forthe kitchen but Ron intercepts them.]

Ron: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.Don’t go in there. Don’t go in there. I’m preparingsomething very special for dinner, I don’t want you tosee. Back up. Back up.

[Richard and Marilyn reluctantly return to the sofaand sit.]

Marilyn: Oh, oh. It’s a surprise.

Ron: That’s it. I’m gonna go get the drinks.Okay? [hands Marilyn the cat as she and Richard nodand chuckle nervously] Okay, stingers, right?

Marilyn: All right. Right.

Ron: Okay!

[Ron exits, leaving Richard and Marilyn with the cat.They are extremely distressed as they wrack theirbrains.]

Richard: Okay, all right, it’s a name. I thinkit’s a human name. Uhhhh, uhhhh.

Marilyn: It’s on the DAMN DISH in thekitchen!

Richard: Ah, it’s a name. It’s the name of acartoon or a movie or something like that. [takes thecat, talks to it] Popeye?

Marilyn: No, no.

Richard: Popeye? Popeye?

Marilyn: No.

Richard: Damien?! Damien?!

Marilyn: No.

Richard: R2-D2?

Marilyn: No. No, no.

Richard: R2-D2?

Marilyn: No, no. Ah, Lolita!

Richard: It’ll come to us. It’ll come to us.

Marilyn: I’m going crazy. I can’t even thinkstraight.

[Ron returns with a tray of vodka stingers.]

Ron: Stingers!

Marilyn: [trying to summon enthusiasm] Allright!

Richard: Those look great.

Ron: Stingers!

Richard: Oh ho, those look good. Go forit.

Ron: Okay.

[Richard and Marilyn down their drinks instantly.]

Marilyn: Mmm.

Ron: [to the cat] None for you.

[Richard and Marilyn hand their empty glasses back toRon to get rid of him.]

Richard: Could I have another, please?

Marilyn: Yeah. Me, too.

Ron: [startled] Yeah. Sure. Sure.

[Richard and Marilyn chuckle nervously as Ronexits.]

Marilyn: I hate that cat.

Richard: My eyes are watering likecrazy!

[Richard and Marilyn pull fur off theirclothes.]

Marilyn: Look at my dress — it’s my favoritedress!

Richard: Your dress? [off the fur] Look atthis! Look at this! Look at this!

Marilyn: When we came in–

Richard: We’re gonna have to burn theseclothes. We’re gonna smell like cat urine andeverything else.

Marilyn: When we came in the door, did yousmell that? I mean, it almost knocked me over! Doesn’the ever change the litter box? It’s like a zoo inhere.

Richard: How old is this cat? Isn’t it gonnadie soon?

Marilyn: I don’t–

[Ron returns without the stingers.]

Ron: [explains, pleasantly] We’re gonna have togo get some more creme de menthe!

Marilyn: I love this kitty.

Ron: [picks up the cat] Come here,baby.

Richard: [sudden inspiration, to Ron] CAN I USEYOUR PHONE?!

Ron: Yeah. Sure.

Richard: Thank you!

Ron: Go ahead, Rich.

[Richard leaps up, runs to phone in background, anddials a number as Marilyn tries to get Ron out of theroom. She picks up Ron’s unfinished stinger.]

Marilyn: Uh, could I – could I have an olive inthis?

Ron: An olive? In – in a vodka stinger?

Marilyn: Yeah.

[Ron laughs and hands Marilyn the cat as he takes thestinger from her.]

Marilyn: It’s great.

Ron: Okay. [rises, heads for thekitchen]

Marilyn: It’s the best, it really is.

Ron: Ohhh, we’re havin’ some time, huh?

Marilyn: Yeah, havin’ some time.

[Ron exits.]

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Jill!It’s Richard. [checks to see that Ron is gone] What’sRon’s cat’s name? No, no, no. That’s his – that’s hisex-wife. What is his cat’s name? Yeah, it’s a movie orsomething like that.

Marilyn: Call Andrea.

Richard: [into the phone] Would Andrea know?I’ll try her.

[Richard hangs up as Ron returns with the stinger forMarilyn.]

Richard: [intense, to Ron] MAY I MAKE ANOTHERPHONE CALL?!

Ron: [to Richard] Yeah, sure. Noproblem.

[Richard instantly picks up and dials as Ron handsMarilyn the drink.]

Marilyn: [to Ron] Thanks. [sips drink]

Ron: [chuckles]

Marilyn: [to Ron, off the drink] Oh, it’s greatnow.

Ron: [picks up the cat] Come here. Come here.Come back here.

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Andrea?It’s Richard. I’m here with Ron. And his cat.

Ron: [to Marilyn] You wanna see somethin’great?

Marilyn: [to Ron] Yeah.

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Hiscat. You know, the white cat.

Ron: [to Marilyn] If you say this cat’s name,she’ll smile at you.

Marilyn: [to Ron] Nooooo. Noooooo.

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Youknow, you know, the cat that smiles when you say itsname, Andrea.

Ron: [to Marilyn] Yeah! Yeah! I swear.

Marilyn: [to Ron] Go on, say it!

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice]Andrea…

Ron: [to Marilyn] No, no, no, no. I want YOU tosay it.

Marilyn: [to Ron] Nooooo, nooo, nooo.

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Thewhite cat. Ron’s white cat that’s all over thehouse.

Ron: Go on. Go ahead and say it.

Marilyn: [to Ron] I don’t believe she can dothat.

Ron: [to Marilyn] She can do it. She can doit.

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice]Andrea… [completely loses it, to the astonishment ofRon and Marilyn] What is the DAMN CAT’S NAME?! WHAT ISIT?! WHAT IS THE CAT’S NAME?! WHAT IS RON’S CAT’SNAME?! THE CAT THAT SMILES WHEN YOU SAY ITSNAME?!BECAUSE I WANT IT TO SMILE,THAT’S WHY!!!! WHAT’S THE DAMN CAT’S NAME?![beat] THANK YOU!! [hangs up, suddenly affectionateand friendly, to the cat] Hello, Herman!

[Ron and Marilyn exchange happy glances and look atthe cat. Richard has apparently made Hermansmile.]

Ron: [to Richard] You did it!

Richard: [points to Herman] He smiled! He’ssmiling!

[Dissolve to a wider view of the set with cameras,mikes and the applauding crowd visible. A superimposedtext reads: Coming Up: JEAN HARRIS SHOOTING DR.J.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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