SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Cut Flowers

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 12

80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

Cut Flowers

Florist…..Bill Murray
Customer…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open on title card, as routine florist activity takes place in the background — florists wrap flowers in paper, carry pots in from the back room, etc. ] [ meanwhile, a Customer window-gazes outside in the snow before deciding to come inside ]

Florist: Good morning. What can we do for you?

Customer: I’m looking for something, uh, special.

Florist: Something special? Uh, what — like a mink coat? Something like that, or have you considered flowers this morning?

Customer: Something, uh — something unusual, perhaps. Uh, out of the ordinary. Not your run of the mill.

Florist: Well, we’ve got some Washington State daffodils this morning. These are very fresh, picked them off myself.

Customer: Mmm-hmm, no.

Florist: California iris.

Customer: N-no…

Florist: California tiger lilies?

Customer: Uhhh…

Florist: I got — what do you want, spiders? I got glads. I got carnations. Miniature carnations.

Customer: No, I’m looking for something more unusual.

Florist: Unusual?

Customer: Mmm-hmm. Could you show me something?

Florist: Sure. What, are you going to a funeral or something? You’re kind of sad this morning. You’re depressing me!

Customer: No, no. I just want something kind of special, kind of unusual, something less pedestrian.

Florist: Less pedestrian? You come in off the street, you don’t want something pedestrian, huh? [ he chuckles ] Okay, come on. How about a bird of paradise? You know a bird of paradise?

Customer: Well, let’s see.

[ the Florist holds up the flower ]

Florist: Bird of paradise. This isn’t unusual enough for you?

[ the Customer sniffs the flower ]

Florist: [ he chuckles ] Alright. Well, I’m sorry, we’re gonna have to put you to bed. [ he holds up another flower ] White Pinocchios.

Customer: No, no. I’m looking for something a little more, uh… exotic.

Florist: [ thinking ] Exotic?

Customer: Exotic.

[ cut to the two men in another part of the shop ]

Florist: You don’t have any allergies, do you?

Customer: No.

Florist: [ acknowledging a row of flowers ] These are irises. I suppose you wouldn’t like any of this kind of stuff.

Customer: No.

Florist: Carnations.

Customer: No.

Florist: Heathers. This is pretty. Some people think it’s pretty.

Customer: No.

Florist: These are nice glads. They’re fresh. I took ’em off myself.

Customer: Mmm-hmm.

Florist: Here — these are freshia. Try these. Get a whiff of these, get in there.

Customer: [ sniffing ] Mmm-hmm.

Florist: Ah, good? Now, try the yellow ones — those are really good!

Customer: I don’t — I don’t think —

Florist: Alright, over here. Try these mums. These are fragrant, these are really fragrant.

[ cut to the Florist walking to the Customer to a door in the back ]

Florist: Alright. This should be it.

[ the Florist disappears through the door, then re-emerges moments later with a bouquet ]

Florist: These are African daisies.

Customer: [ impressed ] Ohhhh… it’s beautiful! This is EXACTLY what I want!

Florist: [ picking a long stem ] Alright. How many would you like?

Customer: Just the one.

Florist: [ miffed ] Alright. Give me five bucks.

[ the Customer hands over the money ]

Florist: Okay, you want me to wrap it?

Customer: No, I’ll eat it here.

[ the Customer salts the petals, then shoves the flower into his mouth ]

Customer: Mmm!

[ the customer hands his salt shaker to the Florist and walks away ] [ confused, the Florist sniffs the petals of one of the petals and takes a bite of his own; he tries it with the salt, and continues eating as the credits roll ]

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