SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Cut Flowers


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 12

80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

Cut Flowers

Florist…..Bill Murray
Customer…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open on title card, as routine florist activity takes place in the background — florists wrap flowers in paper, carry pots in from the back room, etc. ] [ meanwhile, a Customer window-gazes outside in the snow before deciding to come inside ]

Florist: Good morning. What can we do for you?

Customer: I’m looking for something, uh, special.

Florist: Something special? Uh, what — like a mink coat? Something like that, or have you considered flowers this morning?

Customer: Something, uh — something unusual, perhaps. Uh, out of the ordinary. Not your run of the mill.

Florist: Well, we’ve got some Washington State daffodils this morning. These are very fresh, picked them off myself.

Customer: Mmm-hmm, no.

Florist: California iris.

Customer: N-no…

Florist: California tiger lilies?

Customer: Uhhh…

Florist: I got — what do you want, spiders? I got glads. I got carnations. Miniature carnations.

Customer: No, I’m looking for something more unusual.

Florist: Unusual?

Customer: Mmm-hmm. Could you show me something?

Florist: Sure. What, are you going to a funeral or something? You’re kind of sad this morning. You’re depressing me!

Customer: No, no. I just want something kind of special, kind of unusual, something less pedestrian.

Florist: Less pedestrian? You come in off the street, you don’t want something pedestrian, huh? [ he chuckles ] Okay, come on. How about a bird of paradise? You know a bird of paradise?

Customer: Well, let’s see.

[ the Florist holds up the flower ]

Florist: Bird of paradise. This isn’t unusual enough for you?

[ the Customer sniffs the flower ]

Florist: [ he chuckles ] Alright. Well, I’m sorry, we’re gonna have to put you to bed. [ he holds up another flower ] White Pinocchios.

Customer: No, no. I’m looking for something a little more, uh… exotic.

Florist: [ thinking ] Exotic?

Customer: Exotic.

[ cut to the two men in another part of the shop ]

Florist: You don’t have any allergies, do you?

Customer: No.

Florist: [ acknowledging a row of flowers ] These are irises. I suppose you wouldn’t like any of this kind of stuff.

Customer: No.

Florist: Carnations.

Customer: No.

Florist: Heathers. This is pretty. Some people think it’s pretty.

Customer: No.

Florist: These are nice glads. They’re fresh. I took ’em off myself.

Customer: Mmm-hmm.

Florist: Here — these are freshia. Try these. Get a whiff of these, get in there.

Customer: [ sniffing ] Mmm-hmm.

Florist: Ah, good? Now, try the yellow ones — those are really good!

Customer: I don’t — I don’t think —

Florist: Alright, over here. Try these mums. These are fragrant, these are really fragrant.

[ cut to the Florist walking to the Customer to a door in the back ]

Florist: Alright. This should be it.

[ the Florist disappears through the door, then re-emerges moments later with a bouquet ]

Florist: These are African daisies.

Customer: [ impressed ] Ohhhh… it’s beautiful! This is EXACTLY what I want!

Florist: [ picking a long stem ] Alright. How many would you like?

Customer: Just the one.

Florist: [ miffed ] Alright. Give me five bucks.

[ the Customer hands over the money ]

Florist: Okay, you want me to wrap it?

Customer: No, I’ll eat it here.

[ the Customer salts the petals, then shoves the flower into his mouth ]

Customer: Mmm!

[ the customer hands his salt shaker to the Florist and walks away ] [ confused, the Florist sniffs the petals of one of the petals and takes a bite of his own; he tries it with the salt, and continues eating as the credits roll ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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