SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: No Sex With Mary



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12












80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

No Sex With Mary

Mary Cunningham…..Gail Matthius
Phil Beekman…..Charles Rocket
Chairman of the Board…..Joe Piscopo
Manuel…..Gilbert Gottfried

[ open on Mary Cunningham standing at podium ]

Mary Cunningham: Hello, I’m Mary Cunningham. Last October, I quit my job at Bendix because my boss held a press conference to announce that we were NOT sleeping together. Well, it was really awful. Now, this week, I finally got a new job, and my new corporation assures me that they will be a LOT more sensitive.

[ Seagram’s President Phil Beekman steps forward ]

Phil Beekman: That’s right. I’m the President of Seagram’s — Mary’s new company — and I sympathize with what Mary went through. So I just want to announce right here and now that I’m NOT sleeping with Ms. Cunningham. She is absolutely NOT my mistress, and I want to make it PERFECTLY Clear she’s absolutely not my sultry slave of love.

Mary Cunningham: But I’m NOT!!

Phil Beekman: That’s what I’m telling the people, Mary… [ to the audience ] Now, DON’T think that Mary and I have wild sex in the executive suite, in the boardroom, or on those so-called business trips, because, no kidding, we don’t! I’m not lying. And here’s someone else who Mary doesn’t service twenty-four hours a day, on call — our Chairman of the Board.

[ Chairman of the Board enters ]

Chairman of the Board: That’s right! Don’t ask me what Mary looks like under those, uh, conservative suits — I have no idea! Because I have NOT had my way with her. That’s why I wrote this article for the Wall Street Journal — [ he holds up the newspaper ] “I Don’t Have Sex With Mary Cunningham!”

Phil Beekman: See, Mary? Your nightmare of tawdry publicity is over. Hey, Jim! Come on out here. [ Executive enters ] This is Jim Deekman, our VP of Sales. Jim, do you sleep with Cunningham?

Jim: No.

Phil Beekman: Attaboy! Well, Mary, I think this will seal your reputation!

Mary Cunningham: Yeah, I’m sure it will…

Phil Beekman: Manuel! Our favorite janitor here at Seagram’s! [ Manuel enters ] Tell us, honestly, have you gotten anything off of Mary?

Manuel: No! I have NEVER had Mary Cunningham as my passionate child-woman! The flower of my burning lust taken in rapture! No! No joke! Never! I think of her as another executive.

Phil Beekman: Thanks, Manuel! I’m sure we all do.

Manuel: I think she’s frigid…

Phil Beekman: Now, now, Manuel! Well, Mary, your professional reputation is restored. Who says we’re not sensitive? I mean, there’s enough male sensitivity right here to fill a whole week of “Donahue” shows, am I right? [ the men agree ] Alright! Now, if there’s anyone else out there who doesn’t sleep with Mary and wants to make a big announcement about it, send us a postcard! We’ll read it on the air. That address is:

[ SUPER ]

“No Sex With Mary
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, N.Y.”

Okay? Alright, Mary? [ he grabs her shoulder, but she rebuffs him ] Uh-oh, I’m sorry! Okay, no touching! Alright.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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