Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 12
No Sex With Mary
Mary Cunningham…..Gail Matthius
Phil Beekman…..Charles Rocket
Chairman of the Board…..Joe Piscopo
Mary Cunningham: Hello, I’m Mary Cunningham. Last October, I quit my job at Bendix because my boss held a press conference to announce that we were NOT sleeping together. Well, it was really awful. Now, this week, I finally got a new job, and my new corporation assures me that they will be a LOT more sensitive.[ Seagram’s President Phil Beekman steps forward ]
Phil Beekman: That’s right. I’m the President of Seagram’s — Mary’s new company — and I sympathize with what Mary went through. So I just want to announce right here and now that I’m NOT sleeping with Ms. Cunningham. She is absolutely NOT my mistress, and I want to make it PERFECTLY Clear she’s absolutely not my sultry slave of love.
Mary Cunningham: But I’m NOT!!
Phil Beekman: That’s what I’m telling the people, Mary… [ to the audience ] Now, DON’T think that Mary and I have wild sex in the executive suite, in the boardroom, or on those so-called business trips, because, no kidding, we don’t! I’m not lying. And here’s someone else who Mary doesn’t service twenty-four hours a day, on call — our Chairman of the Board.[ Chairman of the Board enters ]
Chairman of the Board: That’s right! Don’t ask me what Mary looks like under those, uh, conservative suits — I have no idea! Because I have NOT had my way with her. That’s why I wrote this article for the Wall Street Journal — [ he holds up the newspaper ] “I Don’t Have Sex With Mary Cunningham!”
Phil Beekman: See, Mary? Your nightmare of tawdry publicity is over. Hey, Jim! Come on out here. [ Executive enters ] This is Jim Deekman, our VP of Sales. Jim, do you sleep with Cunningham?
Phil Beekman: Attaboy! Well, Mary, I think this will seal your reputation!
Mary Cunningham: Yeah, I’m sure it will…
Phil Beekman: Manuel! Our favorite janitor here at Seagram’s! [ Manuel enters ] Tell us, honestly, have you gotten anything off of Mary?
Manuel: No! I have NEVER had Mary Cunningham as my passionate child-woman! The flower of my burning lust taken in rapture! No! No joke! Never! I think of her as another executive.
Phil Beekman: Thanks, Manuel! I’m sure we all do.
Manuel: I think she’s frigid…
Phil Beekman: Now, now, Manuel! Well, Mary, your professional reputation is restored. Who says we’re not sensitive? I mean, there’s enough male sensitivity right here to fill a whole week of “Donahue” shows, am I right? [ the men agree ] Alright! Now, if there’s anyone else out there who doesn’t sleep with Mary and wants to make a big announcement about it, send us a postcard! We’ll read it on the air. That address is:[ SUPER ]
“No Sex With Mary
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, N.Y.”
Okay? Alright, Mary? [ he grabs her shoulder, but she rebuffs him ] Uh-oh, I’m sorry! Okay, no touching! Alright.[ fade ]