Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 12
80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton
It Just Doesn’t Matter
… Bill Murray
… cast of “Saturday Night Live”
[Host Bill Murray, wearing jeans and a “Black ForestLanes” bowling shirt, sits quietly in his dressingroom, picking his nose. There’s a knock at thedoor.]
Bill Murray: Come in.
Gilbert Gottfried: [opens door] Uh, Bill, areyou busy?
Bill Murray: No.
Gilbert Gottfried: Oh.
[Gilbert enters and all the other cast members file inbehind him and take seats in the room. Bill rises togreet them.]
Denny Dillon: Hi, Bill.
Bill Murray: Come on in. Sit down, youknow.
[Bill sits on the dressing room sofa, surrounded bythe cast who sit all around him, glum and depressed.Long pause as Bill looks them over.]
Bill Murray: So, how’s it been goin’?
Eddie Murphy: Well, it ain’t exactly so easy,Bill. Everybody keeps comparing us to the oldcast.
Ann Risley: And the press hasn’t been overlykind.
Bill Murray: Yeah, I read that stuff: “SaturdayNight Live is Saturday Night Dead.”
Cast: [groans, winces, looks uncomfortable] Oh,come on.
Bill Murray: “From Yuks to Yecch.” [cast groansand wretches as if in pain] My favorite, though, is”Vile from New York.”
Cast: [groans] Please, Bill.
Bill Murray: [genuinely amused] It’s funny.It’s funny. [more sympathetic] But, uh, don’t letthat, uh, bother you, you know. It takes a long timeto get started. I mean, a whole new cast, all newwriters.
Cast: Yeah. Right.
Bill Murray: What do you expect, you know? Theratings are still fine, you know. Even if your ratingswent up higher than the old show, you know…
Cast: Yeah?
Bill Murray: … people would still say the oldshow was better, you know?
Cast: [nodding] Uh huh. That’s true, that’strue.
Bill Murray: Maybe it was. … But,uh…
Charles Rocket: [as the cast protests mildly]Come on, Bill.
Bill Murray: It doesn’t matter! I’m justsaying, you know– So what? What if the show getscanceled and you guys never get to do movies oranything like that?
Cast: Come on! Geez!
Denny Dillon: Don’t say that!
Bill Murray: You guys are good. I mean, youknow, Charlie, you’re very funny. I love those RocketReports.
Charles Rocket: You really mean that,Bill?
Bill Murray: [more in sorrow than in anger]People are tellin’ me you’re imitatin’ me, Charlie,though. I don’t like to hear that. … And, uh, watchyour mouth. Clean it up. … Okay? [Charles nods, Billturns to Gilbert] Who are you? What’s yourname?
Gilbert Gottfried: Uh, I – I’m Gilbert.
Bill Murray: Gilbert. Gilbert, cheer up for me,will ya, pal? [pats Gilbert’s shoulder and headsupportively] Huh? Come on. You’re a very lucky humanbeing. You’re very lucky, you know? Nobody walks up toyou on the street and says, “I hated 1941!” –do they? Well, all right. [to Denny] And, you — youlook very good when you comb your hair. It’s nice.Well, you do.
Denny Dillon: Bill, it’s supposed to be likethis!
Bill Murray: [nods, turns to Ann and Gail] Youknow, and, uh, you girls are terrific looking, you’regreat. You know, I still mix you up, I – I can’t tellyou apart, but it’s great, you know. It’s like, “Oh,it’s that other girl who’s very attractive” and soforth.
Ann Risley: [nods] Oh, yeah.
Bill Murray: And, uh, you know, Joe Piscopo,you’re great. [someone in the crowd agrees] You know,the whole sports thing. The monosyllabic hollering andstuff.
Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Bill.
Bill Murray: It’s inspired, you know, but, uh,are you – are you gonna definitely stick with “JoePiscopo” as your name?
Joe Piscopo: Uh … Well, I was born with it,Bill. You know, it’s my name.
Bill Murray: Wow. [beat] Well, whatever. …And, uh, you, Eddie. You’re black. … [Eddie juststares at him] And, uh, that’s beautiful, man. That’sbeautiful. You can do whatever you want. Matt and Pat,Yvonne, those guys are great. Look. Look. You guysneed help.
Charles Rocket: Yeah.
Bill Murray: You need a lot of help, really.But, hey — I saved the old cast, I can do it foryou. You know. … What do you think they werelike before I got here, man? Aykroyd — Dan Aykroydwas weak. I taught him a lot, man.
Cast: Really? Oh, really?
Bill Murray: Belushi was a shadow. Jane Curtinhad a serious drinking problem before I–
Charles Rocket: Not Jane!
Denny Dillon: That’s amazing. That’s reallyamazing.
Bill Murray: The important thing now is to be”up.” You know, you gotta be “up.” ‘Cuz if you’re not”up,” I don’t look good tonight. You know? You know,the press, they can be terrible to you. [rises] But itdoesn’t matter, you know?
Cast: Yeah.
Bill Murray: The ratings deal? It just doesn’tmatter.
Cast: Yeah. Right.
All: It just doesn’t matter.
Bill Murray: Right!
All: It just doesn’t matter!
Bill Murray: That’s right! Confidence! Sure, Ihaven’t done this show in a year. Sure, I could go outthere and make a fool of myself. [cast protests, says,”No, no, no.”] Sure, I could completely bloweverything. I could completely blow everything…
Charles Rocket: I suppose.
Bill Murray: … and humiliate myself in frontof millions of people on TV.
Cast: Probably, yeah.
Bill Murray: [beat, swallows nervously] It’s avery real possibility. … [pause] I think I’m gonnabe sick. [staggers over to make-up table]
Cast: [rising, in concern] Oh, Bill.
Denny Dillon: Bill, are you okay? Bill, are youokay?
Bill Murray: No, I think I’m gonna be sick.Maybe a drink’ll help– [grabs a bottle of liquor offthe table, the cast gathers around him]
Gilbert Gottfried: Bill, take it easy. You’llbe okay.
Denny Dillon: This guy’s a basket case.
Joe Piscopo: Hey, look, look, we carried ElliotGould, we could carry Bill Murray. Noproblem-o.
[Bill takes a swig of liquor straight from the bottle.The cast pleads and protests.]
Joe Piscopo: It’s like he said, “It justdoesn’t matter!”
Gail Matthius: Hey, hey, Bill. It reallydoesn’t matter. Here, we’re gonna take care of ya,huh? It doesn’t matter!
[Quickly, the other cast members start repeating, “Itjust doesn’t matter!” with increasing energy andintensity until Bill joins in and they are allchanting loudly and hopping up and down in a hugegroup hug, like some kind of insane pep rallycheer.]
All:
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
Bill Murray: Let’s go get ’em!
[They all turn, waving clenched fists and pointingfingers, and yell enthusiastically into thecamera:]
All: Live, from New York, it’s SaturdayNight!
Submitted Anonymously
