SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: It Just Doesn’t Matter



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12






80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

It Just Doesn’t Matter

… Bill Murray
… cast of “Saturday Night Live”

[Host Bill Murray, wearing jeans and a “Black ForestLanes” bowling shirt, sits quietly in his dressingroom, picking his nose. There’s a knock at thedoor.]

Bill Murray: Come in.

Gilbert Gottfried: [opens door] Uh, Bill, areyou busy?

Bill Murray: No.

Gilbert Gottfried: Oh.

[Gilbert enters and all the other cast members file inbehind him and take seats in the room. Bill rises togreet them.]

Denny Dillon: Hi, Bill.

Bill Murray: Come on in. Sit down, youknow.

[Bill sits on the dressing room sofa, surrounded bythe cast who sit all around him, glum and depressed.Long pause as Bill looks them over.]

Bill Murray: So, how’s it been goin’?

Eddie Murphy: Well, it ain’t exactly so easy,Bill. Everybody keeps comparing us to the oldcast.

Ann Risley: And the press hasn’t been overlykind.

Bill Murray: Yeah, I read that stuff: “SaturdayNight Live is Saturday Night Dead.”

Cast: [groans, winces, looks uncomfortable] Oh,come on.

Bill Murray: “From Yuks to Yecch.” [cast groansand wretches as if in pain] My favorite, though, is”Vile from New York.”

Cast: [groans] Please, Bill.

Bill Murray: [genuinely amused] It’s funny.It’s funny. [more sympathetic] But, uh, don’t letthat, uh, bother you, you know. It takes a long timeto get started. I mean, a whole new cast, all newwriters.

Cast: Yeah. Right.

Bill Murray: What do you expect, you know? Theratings are still fine, you know. Even if your ratingswent up higher than the old show, you know…

Cast: Yeah?

Bill Murray: … people would still say the oldshow was better, you know?

Cast: [nodding] Uh huh. That’s true, that’strue.

Bill Murray: Maybe it was. … But,uh…

Charles Rocket: [as the cast protests mildly]Come on, Bill.

Bill Murray: It doesn’t matter! I’m justsaying, you know– So what? What if the show getscanceled and you guys never get to do movies oranything like that?

Cast: Come on! Geez!

Denny Dillon: Don’t say that!

Bill Murray: You guys are good. I mean, youknow, Charlie, you’re very funny. I love those RocketReports.

Charles Rocket: You really mean that,Bill?

Bill Murray: [more in sorrow than in anger]People are tellin’ me you’re imitatin’ me, Charlie,though. I don’t like to hear that. … And, uh, watchyour mouth. Clean it up. … Okay? [Charles nods, Billturns to Gilbert] Who are you? What’s yourname?

Gilbert Gottfried: Uh, I – I’m Gilbert.

Bill Murray: Gilbert. Gilbert, cheer up for me,will ya, pal? [pats Gilbert’s shoulder and headsupportively] Huh? Come on. You’re a very lucky humanbeing. You’re very lucky, you know? Nobody walks up toyou on the street and says, “I hated 1941!” –do they? Well, all right. [to Denny] And, you — youlook very good when you comb your hair. It’s nice.Well, you do.

Denny Dillon: Bill, it’s supposed to be likethis!

Bill Murray: [nods, turns to Ann and Gail] Youknow, and, uh, you girls are terrific looking, you’regreat. You know, I still mix you up, I – I can’t tellyou apart, but it’s great, you know. It’s like, “Oh,it’s that other girl who’s very attractive” and soforth.

Ann Risley: [nods] Oh, yeah.

Bill Murray: And, uh, you know, Joe Piscopo,you’re great. [someone in the crowd agrees] You know,the whole sports thing. The monosyllabic hollering andstuff.

Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Bill.

Bill Murray: It’s inspired, you know, but, uh,are you – are you gonna definitely stick with “JoePiscopo” as your name?

Joe Piscopo: Uh … Well, I was born with it,Bill. You know, it’s my name.

Bill Murray: Wow. [beat] Well, whatever. …And, uh, you, Eddie. You’re black. … [Eddie juststares at him] And, uh, that’s beautiful, man. That’sbeautiful. You can do whatever you want. Matt and Pat,Yvonne, those guys are great. Look. Look. You guysneed help.

Charles Rocket: Yeah.

Bill Murray: You need a lot of help, really.But, hey — I saved the old cast, I can do it foryou. You know. … What do you think they werelike before I got here, man? Aykroyd — Dan Aykroydwas weak. I taught him a lot, man.

Cast: Really? Oh, really?

Bill Murray: Belushi was a shadow. Jane Curtinhad a serious drinking problem before I–

Charles Rocket: Not Jane!

Denny Dillon: That’s amazing. That’s reallyamazing.

Bill Murray: The important thing now is to be”up.” You know, you gotta be “up.” ‘Cuz if you’re not”up,” I don’t look good tonight. You know? You know,the press, they can be terrible to you. [rises] But itdoesn’t matter, you know?

Cast: Yeah.

Bill Murray: The ratings deal? It just doesn’tmatter.

Cast: Yeah. Right.

All: It just doesn’t matter.

Bill Murray: Right!

All: It just doesn’t matter!

Bill Murray: That’s right! Confidence! Sure, Ihaven’t done this show in a year. Sure, I could go outthere and make a fool of myself. [cast protests, says,”No, no, no.”] Sure, I could completely bloweverything. I could completely blow everything…

Charles Rocket: I suppose.

Bill Murray: … and humiliate myself in frontof millions of people on TV.

Cast: Probably, yeah.

Bill Murray: [beat, swallows nervously] It’s avery real possibility. … [pause] I think I’m gonnabe sick. [staggers over to make-up table]

Cast: [rising, in concern] Oh, Bill.

Denny Dillon: Bill, are you okay? Bill, are youokay?

Bill Murray: No, I think I’m gonna be sick.Maybe a drink’ll help– [grabs a bottle of liquor offthe table, the cast gathers around him]

Gilbert Gottfried: Bill, take it easy. You’llbe okay.

Denny Dillon: This guy’s a basket case.

Joe Piscopo: Hey, look, look, we carried ElliotGould, we could carry Bill Murray. Noproblem-o.

[Bill takes a swig of liquor straight from the bottle.The cast pleads and protests.]

Joe Piscopo: It’s like he said, “It justdoesn’t matter!”

Gail Matthius: Hey, hey, Bill. It reallydoesn’t matter. Here, we’re gonna take care of ya,huh? It doesn’t matter!

[Quickly, the other cast members start repeating, “Itjust doesn’t matter!” with increasing energy andintensity until Bill joins in and they are allchanting loudly and hopping up and down in a hugegroup hug, like some kind of insane pep rallycheer.]

All:
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!

Bill Murray: Let’s go get ’em!

[They all turn, waving clenched fists and pointingfingers, and yell enthusiastically into thecamera:]

All: Live, from New York, it’s SaturdayNight!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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