Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 12
Saturday Night Newsline II
[ open on Bill Murray seated at news desk ]
Bill Murray: Hello. I’m Bill Murray for “Newsline”, Arts & Leisure. It’s that time of year again, time for everyone’s annual Oscar predictions.[ the audience applauds wildly, as Bill Murray holds up his Oscar board list ]
I think you heard it here first… that in the categories of Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress, nobody gives a DAMN! [ he pulls the nominees of these actors from the board ] Let’s get these people off of here as quickly as possible, and get them out of here!
In the Best Actress category, there can only be ONE winner — and that is Mary Tyler Moore. [ he wipes the other nominees from the board ] And for one reason: Because Carol Burnett isn’t nominated.
In the Best Actor category, there can only be one winner — and that is Jack Lemmon, because Jack Lemmon is still alive.
And in the Best Picture category, there can ONLY be one winner, and that is “Tess”, because Hollywood hasn’t had a good party since Roman Polanski left.[ he removes the winners from the board ]
But these awards are meaningless to you and me because, well… we’re not judging them, people. I think it’s time for some new awards, and I’m about to give them.
In the category of Best Supporting Actress: For her work in “Wholly Moses”, the winner is… Laraine Newman.[ the audience applauds ]
In the category of Best Supporting Actor: For his fantastic work with Benji in “Oh! Heavenly Dog”… Mr. Chevy Chase.[ the audience applauds ]
A first for this award — a tie in the Best Actress category: For her work in “How to Beat the High Cost of Living”… Ms. Jane Curtin; and for a DOUBLE nomination for “Gilda Live” and “The First Family”… Ms. Gilda Radner.[ the audience applauds ]
And what’s gota be a second in the history of this category — uh, uh, a second tie in the Best Actor category: For their work as Jake and Elwood Blues… Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi.[ the audience applauds ]
For the Best Picture, there, of course, is only one winner. And that is… “Caddyshack”. Because it was written by my brother, Brian Doyle-Murray, and Doug and Harold.[ the audience applauds ]
Uh — finally, most important award of all: The Irving Thalberg Memorial Award for humanitarian, decency, and just all around good guyness… given to Garrett Morris, for his work with the Guardian Angels here in New York City.[ the audience applauds ]
Those are my awards. Let’s see what happens![ fade ]