Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 12
Saturday Night Newsline
[ open on Charles Rocket at news desk ]
Charles Rocket: This is “Newsline.”
Our top story tonight: Lady Diana Spencer just broke off her engagement to Prince Charles, because she discovered he was not a virgin.
Well, after three long months in court, Jean Harris was found guilty of murdering this man: Dr. Tarnauer. Apparently, she did it because she was in a jealous rage. Hard to beleive anybody could be jealous of this guy!
Well, anyway, Mrs. Harris contended she was trying to commit suicide. She probably thought she could get herself in the head by ricchoeting the bullets off his pajamas. That must have been it, yeah! That’s probably it!
Well, Washington, D.C. has been buzzing all week about Congressman John Jeanerette’s wife, Rita, who, as we all know, posed nude in this month’s Playboy. Now, look, I don’t know… what’s the big deal here? I mean, I saw the pictures, and… Rita: You were great! I thought you really looked really good! And if you really stop and think about it, it could have been worse. I mean, how would you like to look at a seven-page spread of Mrs. Tip O’Neill? I don’t know… [ he shakes his head ] That wouldn’t be good.
Charles Rocket: Well, it’s been a big week in sports, and here to tell us all about it is our own Joe Piscopo.
Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Charlie! Hello again, everybody! Joe Piscopo, live, Saturday Night Sports! The big story! Hockey! Violence! Penalties! Blood! Stitches! Gore City![ cut to two hockey players holding hockey sticks at one another ]
Joe Piscopo V/O: Solution? Softer sticks![ the players begin to attack one another with the rubber sticks ]
Joe Piscopo V/O: Violence! Plenty! Bloodshed! None!
Joe Piscopo: Today, the stick! Tomorrow, the PUCK! Joe Piscopo, live, Saturday Night Sports!
Charles Rocket: Thank you, Joe. Did you say “puck”? Alright, well, once again —[ the audience cheers ]
There’s another scandal that affects everyone who owns a television set. Oh, sure, I know many of you read about it in TV Guide — Cocaine is taking over Hollywood. Is that shocking, or what? The investigation is on, and everyone is scrambling. On the set of “Alice”, for example, they’ve taken all the spoons out of Mel’s Diner. At taping sessions, actors are understandably hesitant to call out: “Where are my lines?!” Well, it kind of makes you suspicious, doesn’t it? I mean, like, what did realy happen to Karl Malden, why did he get off the air? Well, when you think about it, his nose is so big he could have wiped out Hollywood all alone, you know what I mean?
Speaking of celebrities, Orson Welles and Shelley Winters are back at it again!
Charles Rocket: [ glancing off-camera ] For “Saturday Night Newsline”, I’m Charles Rocket. [ he turns to face the camera ] Ove here?[ fade ]