SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 03/07/81: Script in Development


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 12

80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

Script in Development

Author…..Bill Murray
Helen Stewart #1/Mrs. Lawnsdale/Maid…..Ann Risley
Helen Stewart #2…..Denny Dillon
Mr. Lawnsdale…..Charles Rocket
Mr. Stewart…..Matthew Laurance

[ open on Author seated at typewriter on a darkened set ]

Author: [ reciting ] “Love Is Rough — Chapter One”.

[ the set lights up ]

Author: “It was a beautiful night.” No. “It was a dark and stormy night.”

[ lightning flashes outside ]

Author: “Helen Stewart strode into her library… and caught her reflection in the mirror.”

[ Helen Stewart enters to the center of the room, looks around for the mirror and runs toward it ]

Author: “Short, cute, and blonde as a button.”

[ Helen #1 throws her arms up in disgust and trades places with the more appropriate Helen #2 ]

Author: “Just then, there was a knock at the door!”

[ a knock sounds at the door — Helen #2 runs over ]

Author: “It was Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale, coming over for their weekly bridge game.”

[ Helen opens the door to Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale ]

Author: No, that’s no good. Let’s get Mrs. Lawnsdale out of there.

[ Mrs. Lawnsdale throws up her arms in disgust and exits the room ]

Author: “It was just Carl Lawnsdale.” That’s it! “– who was Helen’s secret lover.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale goes to shake Helen’s hand, but then pulls her closer to him ]

Author: “Unable to restrain themselves any longer, they fell into a passionate embrace.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale bends over to kiss Helen ]

Author: “–on the couch.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale wraps Helen in his arms and hops her over to the couch ]

Author: “Carl moaned aloud:”

Mr. Lawnsdaler: Helen!

Author: “– and Helen moaned back:”

Helen: Carl!

[ they grunt in unison ]

Author: “But fate was not on their side. Because, at that moment, who should come rushing into the room, but Helen’s husband!”

[ Helen’s husband enters the room, as Helen and Mr. Lawnsdale bolt upright from the couch ]

Author: “– a tragic cripple from birth.”

[ the scene resets, as Helen’s husband hobbles comically into the room ]

Author: No, that’s no good. No, no, no, no — he was BLIND! “He was blind.”

[ Helen’s husband sits next to Helen and Mr. Lawnsdale on the couch and begins to motion his hands over their faces ]

Author: “Blinded with jealousy.”

[ Helen’s husband stands and steps back from the couple ]

Author: And, uh, “– pulled a GUN from his pocket and furiously snarled:”

Mr. Stewart: I don’t know WHICH of you to SHOOT!!

Author: “He chose his wife.”

[ the Jilted Husband shoots his wife — gun shot ]

Author: “She screamed –“

[ the Wife screams upon being shot ]

Author: “– and fell to the couch.”

[ she starts to fall away from the couch, but Mr. Lawnsdale pulls into the other direction and allows her to fall to the couch ]

Author: No, that’s no good. “Instead, he lets Old Man Lawnsdale have it.”

[ the Jilted Husband shoots Mr. Lawnsdale — gun shot ]

Author: Yeah, that’s it. “He — Lawnsdale falls to the ground.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale falls to the ground ]

Author: No, no, that’s no good. He, uh — he, uh — “He falls backwards over the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale looks toward the author like he’s insane, but complies with the storyline and sprawls across the edge of the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window — glass shatters ]

Author: No, I don’t like that, either. “Instead, he staggers around the room, wildly, blindly.” [ Mr. Lawnsdale stands up and staggers ] “Finally, smashing against the bookcase, pulling the entire works of Leo Tolstoy down on his crumpled, lifeless body.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale staggers into the bookcase, cradles the books into his arms and falls to the ground ]

Author: That’s good. Okay: “Helen is horrified, and lets out a scream.”

[ Helen screams ]

Author: “– a blood-curdling scream.”

[ Helen turns her scream up a notch ]

Author: “The most blood-curdling scream ever heard in the history of man.”

[ Helen screams with full intensity ]

Author: Okay, that’s it. “She belches and storms out of the room.”

[ Helen forces a burp and runs from the room gasping with her arms outstretched ]

Author: Uh — “Mr. Stewart laughs maniacally.”

[ he laughs maniacally ]

Author: “– and then slams himself right in the center of his foreheart with his right fist.”

[ confused, Mr. Stewart punches himself in the chest and the forehead ]

Author: Yeah! “Just then, alarmed by the noises coming from the room, the maid, Mimi van Boom rushes in.”

[ a pretty maid enters ]

Author: “She is pitifully old and ugly! no one can stand the sight of her! She smells and she stinks!”

[ Mr. Stewart cowers away, as the Maid slouches toward him ]

Author: “No one can stand her, that is, except Mr. Stewart, who is desperately in love with her.”

[ Mr. Stewart drops to one knee before the maid ]

Author: “– despite the fact that she sneezes constantly, has a tubercular cough, drools all over him, and brushes her dandruff into his face.”

[ the Maid performs all these disgusting habits over Mr. Stewart ]

Author: “But fate was NOT on their side! For at that moment, WHO should come dashing into the room… but HELEN!”

[ Helen rushes into the room ]

Author: She let out a yelp:”

[ Helen yelps ]

Author: Uh — “The discovered livers — l-l-l-livers — lovers — the LOVERS! — freeze in panic!”

[ the scene freezes, as the Author contemplates what he has written ]

Author: Let’s see… I don’t know about this. Let’s go over it.

[ Mr. Stewart drops the maid to the floor ] [ he rips the page from the typewriter, as the characters collect themselves and exit the set ]

Author: Alright. [ reading ] “It was a beautiful night.” No, no, no. “It’s a dark and stormy night.” [ lightning strikes ] Uh — “Helen comes into the room, she sees herself in the mirror –” [ the maid runs into the room and toward the mirror ] “She’s short, blonde, and cute as a button.” [ the Maid runs off as Helen takes her position ] “There’s a knock at the door.” [ a knock sounds from the door ] “It’s Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale –” No, no. “It’s just Carl Lawnsdale.” [ Mr. Lawnsdale enters the room ] “They’re secret lovers, they embrace, they fall on the couch — they moan, he moans, she moans.” [ moaning and grunting from the couch ] Uh — “Enter the husband.” [ Mr. Stewart enters ] “He’s crippled…” Uh, no, no, no, no. “He’s blind.” [ Mr. Stewart hobbles to the couch, then feels his wife’s face ] Uh — “He pulls out the gun, he shoots her, she falls on the couch.” [ Helen is shot ] No, no, no. “He shoots him!” [ Mr. Lawnsdale is shot ] “He falls on the ground…” No, no, no, no! “He falls backward over the couch and slams into the Plate-Glass window…” [ Mr. Stewart steps around the couch and smaskes the window with his fist ] No, that’s not right, either. “He staggers over the room, he falls over, goes into the bookcase, pulls down the books of Leo Tolstoy on the shelf.” [ Mr. Stewart falls from the bookcase ] “Just then, Helen belches and runs out of the room.” [ she runs ] “The man laughs, but maniacally punches himself in the head.” [ he laughs ] “The old bag maid comes into the room.” [ the Maid rushes in ] “She’s old, she’s ugly, she stinks, she smells, she drools, she dribbles, she rubs her dandruff all over his face. He loves her.” [ they embrace wildly ] Uh — “Then a woman comes into the room, she yelps!” [ Helen yelps ] [ the Author glances at this trash ]

Author: I don’t like this. It’s too artsy!

[ he crumples his page and puts a new sheet into the typewriter ]

Author: I need a whole new approach, I think. Let’s see… [ he types ] “I Gave My Heart to the Czar — Chapter One”.

[ the lights dim, as the characters exit the set ]

Author: “It was a dark and stormy night…”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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