Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 12
80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton
Script in Development
Author…..Bill Murray
Helen Stewart #1/Mrs. Lawnsdale/Maid…..Ann Risley
Helen Stewart #2…..Denny Dillon
Mr. Lawnsdale…..Charles Rocket
Mr. Stewart…..Matthew Laurance
[ open on Author seated at typewriter on a darkened set ]
Author: [ reciting ] “Love Is Rough — Chapter One”.
[ the set lights up ]
Author: “It was a beautiful night.” No. “It was a dark and stormy night.”
[ lightning flashes outside ]
Author: “Helen Stewart strode into her library… and caught her reflection in the mirror.”
[ Helen Stewart enters to the center of the room, looks around for the mirror and runs toward it ]
Author: “Short, cute, and blonde as a button.”
[ Helen #1 throws her arms up in disgust and trades places with the more appropriate Helen #2 ]
Author: “Just then, there was a knock at the door!”
[ a knock sounds at the door — Helen #2 runs over ]
Author: “It was Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale, coming over for their weekly bridge game.”
[ Helen opens the door to Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale ]
Author: No, that’s no good. Let’s get Mrs. Lawnsdale out of there.
[ Mrs. Lawnsdale throws up her arms in disgust and exits the room ]
Author: “It was just Carl Lawnsdale.” That’s it! “– who was Helen’s secret lover.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale goes to shake Helen’s hand, but then pulls her closer to him ]
Author: “Unable to restrain themselves any longer, they fell into a passionate embrace.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale bends over to kiss Helen ]
Author: “–on the couch.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale wraps Helen in his arms and hops her over to the couch ]
Author: “Carl moaned aloud:”
Mr. Lawnsdaler: Helen!
Author: “– and Helen moaned back:”
Helen: Carl!
[ they grunt in unison ]
Author: “But fate was not on their side. Because, at that moment, who should come rushing into the room, but Helen’s husband!”
[ Helen’s husband enters the room, as Helen and Mr. Lawnsdale bolt upright from the couch ]
Author: “– a tragic cripple from birth.”
[ the scene resets, as Helen’s husband hobbles comically into the room ]
Author: No, that’s no good. No, no, no, no — he was BLIND! “He was blind.”
[ Helen’s husband sits next to Helen and Mr. Lawnsdale on the couch and begins to motion his hands over their faces ]
Author: “Blinded with jealousy.”
[ Helen’s husband stands and steps back from the couple ]
Author: And, uh, “– pulled a GUN from his pocket and furiously snarled:”
Mr. Stewart: I don’t know WHICH of you to SHOOT!!
Author: “He chose his wife.”
[ the Jilted Husband shoots his wife — gun shot ]
Author: “She screamed –“
[ the Wife screams upon being shot ]
Author: “– and fell to the couch.”
[ she starts to fall away from the couch, but Mr. Lawnsdale pulls into the other direction and allows her to fall to the couch ]
Author: No, that’s no good. “Instead, he lets Old Man Lawnsdale have it.”
[ the Jilted Husband shoots Mr. Lawnsdale — gun shot ]
Author: Yeah, that’s it. “He — Lawnsdale falls to the ground.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale falls to the ground ]
Author: No, no, that’s no good. He, uh — he, uh — “He falls backwards over the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale looks toward the author like he’s insane, but complies with the storyline and sprawls across the edge of the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window — glass shatters ]
Author: No, I don’t like that, either. “Instead, he staggers around the room, wildly, blindly.” [ Mr. Lawnsdale stands up and staggers ] “Finally, smashing against the bookcase, pulling the entire works of Leo Tolstoy down on his crumpled, lifeless body.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale staggers into the bookcase, cradles the books into his arms and falls to the ground ]
Author: That’s good. Okay: “Helen is horrified, and lets out a scream.”
[ Helen screams ]
Author: “– a blood-curdling scream.”
[ Helen turns her scream up a notch ]
Author: “The most blood-curdling scream ever heard in the history of man.”
[ Helen screams with full intensity ]
Author: Okay, that’s it. “She belches and storms out of the room.”
[ Helen forces a burp and runs from the room gasping with her arms outstretched ]
Author: Uh — “Mr. Stewart laughs maniacally.”
[ he laughs maniacally ]
Author: “– and then slams himself right in the center of his foreheart with his right fist.”
[ confused, Mr. Stewart punches himself in the chest and the forehead ]
Author: Yeah! “Just then, alarmed by the noises coming from the room, the maid, Mimi van Boom rushes in.”
[ a pretty maid enters ]
Author: “She is pitifully old and ugly! no one can stand the sight of her! She smells and she stinks!”
[ Mr. Stewart cowers away, as the Maid slouches toward him ]
Author: “No one can stand her, that is, except Mr. Stewart, who is desperately in love with her.”
[ Mr. Stewart drops to one knee before the maid ]
Author: “– despite the fact that she sneezes constantly, has a tubercular cough, drools all over him, and brushes her dandruff into his face.”
[ the Maid performs all these disgusting habits over Mr. Stewart ]
Author: “But fate was NOT on their side! For at that moment, WHO should come dashing into the room… but HELEN!”
[ Helen rushes into the room ]
Author: She let out a yelp:”
[ Helen yelps ]
Author: Uh — “The discovered livers — l-l-l-livers — lovers — the LOVERS! — freeze in panic!”
[ the scene freezes, as the Author contemplates what he has written ]
Author: Let’s see… I don’t know about this. Let’s go over it.
[ Mr. Stewart drops the maid to the floor ]
[ he rips the page from the typewriter, as the characters collect themselves and exit the set ]
Author: Alright. [ reading ] “It was a beautiful night.” No, no, no. “It’s a dark and stormy night.” [ lightning strikes ] Uh — “Helen comes into the room, she sees herself in the mirror –” [ the maid runs into the room and toward the mirror ] “She’s short, blonde, and cute as a button.” [ the Maid runs off as Helen takes her position ] “There’s a knock at the door.” [ a knock sounds from the door ] “It’s Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale –” No, no. “It’s just Carl Lawnsdale.” [ Mr. Lawnsdale enters the room ] “They’re secret lovers, they embrace, they fall on the couch — they moan, he moans, she moans.” [ moaning and grunting from the couch ] Uh — “Enter the husband.” [ Mr. Stewart enters ] “He’s crippled…” Uh, no, no, no, no. “He’s blind.” [ Mr. Stewart hobbles to the couch, then feels his wife’s face ] Uh — “He pulls out the gun, he shoots her, she falls on the couch.” [ Helen is shot ] No, no, no. “He shoots him!” [ Mr. Lawnsdale is shot ] “He falls on the ground…” No, no, no, no! “He falls backward over the couch and slams into the Plate-Glass window…” [ Mr. Stewart steps around the couch and smaskes the window with his fist ] No, that’s not right, either. “He staggers over the room, he falls over, goes into the bookcase, pulls down the books of Leo Tolstoy on the shelf.” [ Mr. Stewart falls from the bookcase ] “Just then, Helen belches and runs out of the room.” [ she runs ] “The man laughs, but maniacally punches himself in the head.” [ he laughs ] “The old bag maid comes into the room.” [ the Maid rushes in ] “She’s old, she’s ugly, she stinks, she smells, she drools, she dribbles, she rubs her dandruff all over his face. He loves her.” [ they embrace wildly ] Uh — “Then a woman comes into the room, she yelps!” [ Helen yelps ]
[ the Author glances at this trash ]
Author: I don’t like this. It’s too artsy!
[ he crumples his page and puts a new sheet into the typewriter ]
Author: I need a whole new approach, I think. Let’s see… [ he types ] “I Gave My Heart to the Czar — Chapter One”.
[ the lights dim, as the characters exit the set ]
Author: “It was a dark and stormy night…”
[ fade ]
