Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 12
I Married a Monkey
Mike: Oh — I’ve had enough, I’m stuffed! That was the BEST scrambled eggs I’ve ever had, Tim. That was good.
Tim: The secret is to throw in a little minced onion.
Mike: Yeah? Well, I wish Louise could cook eggs like this, I’ll tell ya’.
Tim: By the way, how is Louise?[ soap opera music flourishes ]
Mike: Louise? She’s, uh — she’s fine. Why? I just took her to a movie last night. We went to see “Cannibal Women”. Have you seen that? Real boring.
Tim: What about your dance committee?[ soap opera music flourishes ]
Mike: What about the dance committee?
Tim: Madge told me she had to help Louise last night with some dance committee problems.
Mike: No, no. There’s no problem with the dance committee.
Tim: Madge said she had to go over to your HOUSE, to help Louise with some problems with the DANCE committee!
Mike: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah… the dance committee. Look, uh — I’ll tell you, uh — I went to bed early, so she must have come in after I went to bed, Tim…
Tim: [ standing ] DAMMIT, Mike! [ music sting ] Don’t cover for her! Don’t you start lying to me, too, okay?! You expect your best friend to tell you the truth!
Mike: Look, Tim. I mean, how was I supposed to —
Tim: Shh![ the music flourishes as Madge, a monkey, enters the kitchen and climbs on the table ]
Mike: Morning, Madge. You’re looking, uh — you’re looking well. I was just telling Tim you were — Louise and I are joining a health club next week. Maybe you’d like to join us, or… maybe you wouldn’t.[ Tim kisses Madge on the cheek ]
Mike: Well, look, Tim, I gotta get running, okay? I can’t hang around. Madge, it was nice seeing you again, take care. Uh, I gotta run. I’ll see you later.[ Mike exits the house, as Madge pells a banana and drops the peel on the floor ]
Tim: Weren’t you the least bit surprised to see Mike Short here this morning? [ music sting ] No? Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?[ Madge ignores Tim and peels another banana ]
Tim: Why is it, that whenever I confront you with ANYTHING like this, you say nothing? Look, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to control your life, I… I just want to know what you were doing until four in the morning. That’s right, I was awake when you came in last night. I heard you stumbling around downstairs. You, of all people, stumbling. Were you drunk? Were you high on some sort of drug?[ Madge grabs the lid of a sugar bowl and begins to sniff it ]
Tim: Madge — [ cracking up ] Madge, don’t you see what I’m trying to DO here?! I’m trying to save our MARRIAGE! I’m trying to save our FAMILY![ suddenly, crying is heard offscreen ] [ soap opera music flourishes ]
Tim: Maggie’s awake.[ Tim exits the kitchen ] [ he re-enters with a baby monkey who’s desperately trying to hold onto the stagehand behind the setpiece, to the point of yanking both of them back behind the setpiece ] [ Tim returns to the table alone, as the baby monkey screeches off-camera ] [ cut back to catch the stagehand pushing the baby monkey back onto the set ] [ Tim picks up the baby monkey, as the audience erupts into thunderous applause ]
Tim: Now you’re trying to turn our child against me! [ he puts the baby monkey on the floor, then turns to Madge ] Look at you! Look at the bags under your eyes! Madge, when is this nightmare going to end? And what about your mother? If this marriage were to break up, it would kill her. It’s the same thing… every morning, you’re too tired because you’ve been out half the night. What have you been telling her?[ the phone rings ]
Tim: Of course, I’ll have to get it, right?[ Tim answers the phone to a monkey screeching on the line ]
Tim: Hello? Hello? Who is this? Hello? Hello![ the monkey on the line hangs up ] [ Madge purses her lips ]
Tim: He hung up! Madge, he hung up! Who was that man?! [ dramatic soap opera music soars ] Madge! I… can’t take this any more! [ crying ] Who was that man?! Is there somebody else?
Announcer: Tune in next week, for the continuing saga… “I Married a Monkey”.