Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 12
SNL Storage Room
[ open on exterior, Studio 8-H, as Chevy Chase enters the hallway to thunderous audience applause ] [ Chevy approaches a Storeroom closet, looks around, then opens the door ] [ as he does, Denny Dillon suddenly exits ]
Chevy Chase: What, uh — what happened to my dressing room?
Denny Dillon: Well, uh, Chevy, you see… NBC had to tighten their belts a little — you know, cut back on budget — so we all dress in there now.
Chevy Chase: Oh, yeah?
Denny Dillon: Turn off the light when you leave, okay?
Chevy Chase: Okay.[ Denny walks away, the elongated feather in her hat tickling its way across Chevy’s nose, prompting him to sneeze into his hand helplessly ] [ Chevy enters the storeroom to find 70’s-era SNL props and costumes ]
Chevy Chase: Oh, wow… [ he touches various props ] Coneheads… [ he spots his Land Shark head, covered in cobwebs ] Ah! [ he sticks his hand through the head and mumbles ] “Mrs….?”[ suddenly, the sound of Mr. Bill mumbling in a trash heap can be heard, so Chevy digs him out of the pile of cobwebbed beer cans ]
Mr. Bill: Oh, boy! Chevy! Thanks a lot for taking me out of there! I didn’t think anyone would EVER find me!
Chevy Chase: Oh, Mr. Bill… what — what happened to you?
Mr. Bill: Oh, well, gee! We had a big party at the end of last season, and, oh, I guess I drank too much and I must have passed out!
Chevy Chase: Oh…
Mr. Bill: And when I came to, I was trapped in here and couldn’t get out!
Chevy Chase: Oh, you poor little fellow! Well, gee, everybody’s been wondering what the heck you’ve been doing!
Mr. Bill: That’s right! I was supposed to do a whole lot of important things before I got trapped in here. Boy, I bet Benjy is real mad at me — I was supposed to co-star with him in a movie! I sure hope they got a decent replacement.
Chevy Chase: [ stung ] Uh — it’s a SILLY idea anyway, Mr. Bill! [ he peels Mr. Bill’s nose off and tosses it over his shoulder ] I’m sure it wasn’t important
Mr. Bill: So, uh, Chevy, uh — am I late for the new season?
Chevy Chase: Well… yeah, you’re a little late, but they all are! [ he grabs Mr. Bill ] Gee, Mr. Bill…
Mr. Bill: Be careful.
Chevy Chase: I get this feeling they just don’t have the time for old-timers like us any more. The fans just don’t care that much.
Mr. Bill: Oh, now come on, Chevy! Don’t feel that way. Hey, look — we can make a comeback, huh? Hey, you know, they were even talking to me about anchoring “Weekend Update”! Say! Maybe you can do those funny faces behind me like you used to, huh? Hey, that’d be funny!
Chevy Chase: [ poking Mr. Bill roughly in the belly ] That’s a FUNNY idea! Ha ha ha ha! [ he tweaks Mr. Bill’s face viciously ]
Mr. Bill: Hey, wait! Hey, hey! Watch that! Hey, Chevy, come on!
Chevy Chase: I’ll tell you something, Mr. Bill — I don’t think they really care about slapstick any more. Hey, by the way — [ he begins to hammer Mr. Bill against his palm, the clay man’s head flying ]
Mr. Bill: Hey! Hey, wait! Hey, uh… Chevy… I’m down on the floor. Could you help me?
Chevy Chase: [ looking around ] Oh. Sorry, Mr. Bill. [ he picks up his clay head ] I almost lost you for a second!
Mr. Bill: Listen, Chevy, um — um —
Chevy Chase: You must be exhausted.[ Chevy attempts to put Mr. Bill’s nose back, dislodging his head in the process ]
Mr. Bill: Listen, have you seen my dog, Spot, lately? I sent him for help last year!
Chevy Chase: Spot? I — I’ll look around.[ Chevy takes a step back, as we hear a muffled dog bark ]
Chevy Chase: Whoa-oh!
Mr. Bill: Hey, what?! What was that Spot?
Chevy Chase: I don’t know. I stepped on something?[ Chevy turns his shoe over to reveal a flattened Spot ]
Mr. Bill: Oh, noooo!!
Chevy Chase: Oh!
Mr. Bill: Hey, Chevy! You ought to be more careful where you step!
Chevy Chase: [ hopping around ] I — I can get him off! Don’t you worry about a thing.[ Chevy grabs the Samurai sword to scrape Spot off his shoe ]
Mr. Bill: Hey, you watch that sword, Chevy!
Chevy Chase: I’ll just get him off, don’t worry.
Mr. Bill: No, no, watch out! Leave him alone!
Chevy Chase: [ losing his balance ] Tell you what, you relax here —
Mr. Bill: Hey, watch out, be careful!
Chevy Chase: I’m not gonna step on him again![ Chevy grabs a clothes rack and topples over backwards ]
Mr. Bill: Oh, nooooo!!! Ohhhhh!!![ crumpled amidst all the props, Chevy glances at the camera and shouts ]
Chevy Chase: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”