SNL Transcripts: (None): 04/11/81: The Self-Righteous


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 12

80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars

The Self-Righteous

Announcer…..Michael O’Donoghue
Nurse…..Robin Duke
Police Officer…..Tony Rosato
Reporter…..Joe Piscopo
Doctor…..Tim Kazurinsky
Gunshot Victim…..Eddie Murphy

(Open on a still of a hospital where we see the superimposed text “Coming This Fall on NBC” in its coporate font with the NBC peacock logo on the bottom left corner of the screen. Jazzy, commanding music plays in the background)

Announcer V/O: They’re tough. They’re dedicated. They’re professionals who take their jobs seriously. They’re the self-righteous.

(Fade in on the hospital’s interior where we see the title card superimposed on the screen. The nurse at the front desk is seen talking on the phone. The title fades out as she hangs it up and a policeman walks in.)

Police Officer: Okay, look. I got to talk to that gunshot victim in there just for a few seconds, okay? I mean, it could help us get that killer off the streets.

Nurse: Well, forget it. That man in there is seriously injured. I’m a nurse and a damn good one and it’s my job to save lives, not play Cops and Robbers.

Police Officer: Oh, yeah? Well, maybe if you cooperated, there’d be some more people out there that you wouldn’t have to patch up later. I’m a cop, damn it! It’s my job to protect them! (A reporter walks in holding a pencil and a note pad )

Reporter: Yeah, Daily Press. Iwas wondering if–

Police Officer: No comments on this case.

Reporter: Hey, I don’t know what you’re covering up in there, but those people out there have a right to know! I’m a reporter! It’s my duty to tell them! A doctor runs in)

Doctor: Hey, hey. This is a hospital. There are people dying in there. Now, I don’t know what’s going on out here, but I’m reponsible for their lives. So, shut up! (Takes off his surgical mask)

Nurse: [sarcastically] Oh-ho. Oh-ho! Well, maybe if you spent a little less time dealing with microbes and dealt with people like me, then maybe you’d understand them.

Doctor: Understanding people doesn’t save their lives.

Reporter: Hey, while you two are standing there talking, there are people in there dying and people out there waiting for the truth.

Police Officer: Oh, yeah? Why don’t you try walking a beat, huh? (The reporter scoffs as the gunshot victim walks in)

Gunshot Victim: Hey, wait a minute! Don’t I have a say here? After all, it’s my body! I’m a patient here. I’m a human being with human rights (turns to the doctor) and for one, I demand the right to die with dignity.

Doctor: You only have a flesh wound.

Gunshot Victim: And two, I have the right–

Doctor: Don’t bore us with that stuff. Listen–

Gunshot Victim: Hey, don’t point at me. My mother’s dead.

(Everyone starts arguing as the music starts playing again)

Announcer V/O: Five tediously self-absorbed people. The Self-Righteous. Coming this fall on NBC, proud as a peacock.

(Fade to a black background with the NBC peacock with the text NBC PROUD AS A PEACOCK below)

Submitted by: Kyleman88

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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