Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 12
Frank Sinatra … Joe Piscopo
Jerry Hemphill … Tony Rosato
Melissa … Gail Matthius
Harold Duffy … Tim Kazurinsky
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Frank Sinatra!
(Frank comes down the stairs and takes center stage. An American flag backdrop unfurls behind him.)
Frank Sinatra: (sings)
It’s time for you
It’s time for you
I’m tellin’ you that dreams come true
Come on baby, it’s time, time, time
It’s time for youuuuu!
Frank Sinatra: Thank you very much. You’re marvelous. Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. This is Francis Albert reminding you that it is time, it’s time that — for all of us to start buying and driving American cars. Recently I visited the Motor City, and I have to be quite honest with you, that I did not like what I saw. Capisce? Thousands, thousands and thousands of beautiful guys and chicks out of work because you are not buying American cars. Now I’d like you to meet one of the guys America forgot, if you’d be so kind, please welcome, from the United Auto Workers of America, Jerry Hemphill, ladies and gentlemen!
(Jerry emerges wearing a mechanic’s uniform and carrying a tool box. He sets down the tool box.)
Frank Sinatra: It’s, it’s very nice to have you here, Jerry. Speak. (points the microphone towards Jerry)
Jerry: Thank you, tha – good to be here, Frank. Well Frank, I-I used to work for Chrysler, and uh, I was installing power seat assemblies, until I got laid off, uh … well it’s bad enough for me and my old lady, you know, but uh, it’s hard to see the kids staying at home, just uh, starving.
Frank Sinatra: (points to the camera) You hear that, America? Because you do not care enough to drive and buy American cars.
Jerry: That’s right, Frank, I’ll tell ya, these people, they just build their cars, out of cheap, thin aluminum! Now I’ve got something to show you here, Frank …
(He opens his tool box and takes out a beer can)
Frank Sinatra: We’re talkin’ foreign labor here. We’re talkin’ Japs, ladies and gentlemen.
Jerry: This is a Japanese beer can, right here, Fred. Now you see how they’re cheap, thin aluminum.
(He picks up a bowling ball, also from the tool box.)
Jerry: Now your, your American cars, your American cars are built solid, like a J.C. Higgins bowling ball! You follow me, Frank? Huh?
Frank Sinatra: I got you, Jerry.
(Jerry smashes the beer can against the bowling ball, then says to the audience)
Jerry: You just thank God your family wasn’t in HERE. (indicates the crushed beer can)
Frank Sinatra: Thank you very much. Jerry Hemphill, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much, Jerry.
Frank Sinatra: Thank you so much. And now I’d like uh, viewers to meet someone that wasn’t so lucky, ladies and gentlemen.
(A nurse brings out a little girl, Melissa, in a wheelchair.)
Frank Sinatra: Tell us your name, sweetheart.
Frank Sinatra: Melissa, tell the people your story.
Melissa: (speaking quickly) Well, my dad got one of those cheap, Japanese cars, you know, and we were going to my grandmother’s house you know for dinner, and um, and my dad ran into this cow, and he hurt the cow real bad, and I had to go to the hospital — (sobs) — and now I can’t play with the other children.
Frank Sinatra: God bless you, sweetheart.
Melissa: (cries) … and now I can’t even do that …
Frank Sinatra: Okay America, you wanna know the reason to stop buyin’ Jap cars? Huh? I got a thousand reasons …
(SUPER: photo of a cemetery)
Frank Sinatra: … like the rows upon rows of simple white crosses that mark the graves at Arlington National Cemetery.
(SUPER: photo of Pearl Harbor being blown up)
Frank Sinatra: I take you back to December 7th, 1941. And the story of a young gunner aboard the USS Arizona.
(Back to Frank.)
Frank Sinatra: Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed my honor to introduce to you, Harold Duffy, US Navy, retired.
(Applause as Harold emerges, giving a salute with his right arm – his only arm.)
Frank Sinatra: (points to the stump) Okay chief, tell ’em how it happened.
Harold: Oh, I remember, I was playin’ the harmonica and laughin’ it up with some of my buddies ‘board the USS Arizona n’ then … from outta nowhere came them Jap planes … them machine guns spittin’ death … I lost my best buddy that day, Frank.
Frank Sinatra: I know what you mean. When we were shooting “From Here to Eternity,” I had to leave the set every day because of the tears in my eyes.
Harold: Frank … when you think of that, the next time you see a friend or neighbor drivin’ one of them Jap mobiles, you tell them that the same tuna-heads, that put together the assembly of that, that durn thing are, probably the same people who’re responsible for jammin’ bamboo chutes under these — (holds up his stump, then holds up his right hand) — THESE fingernails.
Frank Sinatra: Ouch.
Harold: Well who can understand the Oriental mind, Frank? I tell ya, the … you-you’re talkin’ about a people who build their houses out of paper. People who, who build their uh, who — they call their planes Zeroes … they call their boats JUNKS!
Frank Sinatra: Wait, wait — for the record, chief, I think the Junks are Chinese, not Japanese.
Harold: (becoming more hostile) What’s the difference?! You ‘member on Bonanza, whenever there was a range war, where the hell was Hop Sing anyway, huh? And you’re buyin’ cars from, from people that — they eat raw fish! Think of that! How would you like to open the glove compartment of, of your Honda, and find …
(He pulls a large trout out of his suit and wiggles it around.)
Harold: … one of THESE in here?!
Frank Sinatra: Thank you very much. Harold Duffy, ladies and gentlemen, US Navy, retired, from the USS Arizona.
Frank Sinatra: Thank you, Harold Duffy … After, after hearing all these beautiful people speak tonight, there is only one thing I can say … (music swells up)
Let’s strive for America
Strive for America
Each time I see those Datsun Z’s
I wanna punch out a Japanese
Go to hell, Toyota
Drop dead, Subaru
Let’s ride for America
Take pride in Americaaa …
Let’s drive for America
Old Red, I’m talkin, White,
(Applause as music continues)
(SUPER: “DRIVE FOR AMERICA”)
Submitted by: The G Man