Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 1
SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray & Mary Gross
…..Brian Doyle-Murray
…..Mary Gross
Tom Snyder…..Joe Piscopo
Raheem Abdul Mohammed…..Eddie Murphy
Announcer: And now: “SNL Newsbreak”, with anchorpersons Mary Gross and Brian Doyle-Murray.
[ the animated graphics are zapped, causing the letters in “BREAK” to explode and fall onto Brian Doyle-Murray, who rolls his eyes at this unnecessary gag before tossing the letters off the desk ]
Brian Doyle-Murray: I’m anchorperson Brian Doyle-Murray.
Mary Gross: And I’m anchorperson Mary Gross.
Brian Doyle-Murray: We’re CO-anchorpersons.
Mary Gross: That’s right. We don’t even know what sex we are.
Brian Doyle-Murray: But until we do, I’ll take the top story.
Mary Gross: Alright, Brian.
Brian Doyle-Murray: Our top story tonight: President Reagan’s economic and social policy went into effect on Thursday. And, just as he said, the American economy has been saved in only three days. The budget has been balanced, the $1 trillion national deficit has been wiped out, interest and lending rates are down, employment is up, everyone owns a home, and Social Security benefits have been tripled. Starting tomorrow, it will cost $60,000 just to mail a letter, and a phone call will cost $200,000 for the first three minutes.
This week, the White House reealed that President Reagan has a long lost son from a previously undisclosed marriage. Reagan the son, Timmy, are shown here being reunited after a separation of over 85 years. The president said he was thrilled, and Timmy said he’s proud of his dad but he didn’t vote for him.
Mary Gross: The Pentagon, today, allocated $46 million to research and develop an ultimate defense weapon, which it refers to as a “Time Travel Bomb.” In the worlds of a ten-year old spokesperson for the bomb: “Like, if they ever bomb us first, tghis bomb will travel back in time and bomb them before they could bomb us! And then we would never be bombed at all!”
Brian?
Brian Doyle-Murray: After his first day of Senate confirmation hearings, Dr. C. Everett Coop, the pro-life, anti-abortion pediatrician nominated by President Reagan to be our nation’s new Surgeon General, announced that he will take office whether or not he is confirmed by the Senate. Said Coop: ” I have long believed that a political term of office begins at the moment of nomination, NOT at confirmation.”
Mary?
Mary Gross: The attempt on his life last Spring sent Pope John Paul II to Rome’s Gemelli Hospital for 77 days. Now fully recovered, he has received the bill: $36,000. Shown here filling out the Vatican hospital insurance form, John Paul said, “Thank God I was covered by Blue Crucifix!”
Well, PLO leader Yassar Arafat and actress Vanessa Redgrave were finally married this week. It was a simple terrorist ceremony in Beirut, Lebanon. They said they will both continue to work, but want to have lots and lots of children.
Brian Doyle-Murray: Due to low ratings, the “Tomorrow Show” was dropped this week by NBC affiliates in Boston, Philadelphia, and Minneapolis. NBC executives were quick to point out that “Tomorrow Show” host, Tom Snyder, in a five-year study, shows that minorities make up the largest late-night TV audience in America. Here’s a preview of Monday night’s “Tomorrow Show”:
[ cut to clip of mustachioed Tom Snyder rambling on in a Spanish dialect, joking with his off-camera producers about Rona Barrett and her breasts ]
[ SUPER: “courtesy of NBC’S MANANA SHOW” ]
[ return to the nes desk ]
Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, all we can say is: Bueno suerte, Tomas! Mary?
Mary Gross: The administration has reversed itself on classifying ketchup as a vegetable, admitting it made a mistake. However, in related legislation: Beginning January 1st, 1982, the artichoke will be listed as a semi-precious metal, the banana as a unit for measuring time, and those indivisdual packets of Thousand Island dressing will replace the Susan B. Anthony dollar in many areas.
Irritated by what he’s seeing in the movies these days, here is “Weekend Update”‘s film critic… Raheem Abdul Mohammed. Raheem?
Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Um — how come they ain’t no BLACK people in the movies?! No brothers! I went to see “Raiders of the Lost Ark”, they had two brothers in it. I went to see “Arthur”, it had ONE brother in it! I see “Superman”, it had one half a brother in it. Now, we gto soem fine black actors making some fine contributions to the motion picture industry. Take… Fred Williamson! Jim Brown! Richard Roundtree! Bernie Casey! Melvin van Peebles! Everybody’s been contributing, making great movies, too! Like “Super Fly”! “Super Fly T.N.T.”! “Shaft”! “Shaft’s Big Score”! “Shaft in Africa”! “Slaughter”! “Slaughter’s Big Rip-off”! “Foxy Brown”! “Sheba, Baby”! “Coffy”! These are good movies!! “Blacula”! “Abby”! “J.D.’s Revenge”! And, mind you, not ONE of those movies was ever nominated for an Academy Award!
Man, now get this — in 1975, for Best Picture: “The Sting” beat out “Slaughter’s Big Rip-Off”! I was sitting home, man, I was SHOCKED! I almost fell off my chair! And James Earl Jones is a fine actor! I know, last year, I happened to find out that the man did read for the part in “Hardly Working”, and they gave it to Jerry Lewis just because he a white man! Now, I happen to KNOW that James Earl Jones could have played that part! Now, do you think Jerry Lewis could have starred in the movie “Claudine”? Picture this: Claudine live in Harlem, she got twelve kids, she married to Jerry Lewis, he come home talking about: [ in a screechy Jerry Lewis voice ] “Claudine! Claudine! Claudine, baby!”
I feel, PERSONALLY, that some of these people that y’all using — these white people — BLACK people could have played! Take Isaac Hayes, who PROVED he could act in “Truck Turner”! [ he tries not to laugh ] He would’ve been MARVELOUS in “Kramer vs. Kramer”! And, speaking of versatility — Mr. Versility himself, Jimmy “J.J.” Walker! Whoosh, what a gifted man! He would have been SCINTILLATING in “The Elephant Man”! Picture this! I can see it now! He would have been walking around, saying: [ he blows like an elephant ] “DY-NO-MITE!!”
Man, I tell you — the last five years, I seen TWO movies with black people in it: “Stir Crazy” and “Penitentiary”. Any time you get a group of niggers around, you gotta have some BARS around them, huh? Why don’t y’all make a movie with a couple of pretty niggers, running in the field in slow-motion and clapping? I can see it now: “Tess”, starring Shirley Hemphill! That’d be FINE entertainment! I’m Raheem Abdul Mohammed!
Mary Gross: Thank you, Raheem.
Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Thank you, Mary Gross!
Brian Doyle-Muuray: And, finally, this sad note: Last night, at Beefsteak Charlie’s, an entire family fell into the bottomless salad bowl and vanished. Rescue teams were invited to make as many attempts to save them as they wished.
That’s the news. Good night. Good luck.
[ fade ]
