Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 1
Rod’s One-Night Stand
[FADE IN on a living room with a young couple on a foldout bed. The woman is sleeping peacefully on the right, while the man is sitting up shirtless on the left and setting an alarm clock.]
Rod: [softly] Nice pad you got here.
[He lights a cigarette as a distant car horn is heard.]
Rod: Gettin’ a bit nippy…
[He reaches over for his t-shirt and tugs it on over his head.]
Rod: Gettin’ a bit nippy. Yeah, it’s gettin’ a bit nippy! [slowly pulls t-shirt down] It’s gettin’ nippy in here.
[He drags on his cigarette and then reaches to put it in the sleeping woman’s mouth.]
Ruth: [waking up] What? I don’t smoke.
[He gazes down at her as she rolls back over.]
Rod: So how was it for you?
Ruth: I beg your pardon?
Rod: [nodding] I mean… it was pretty terrific for me! So was it good for you or what?
Ruth: [smiles politely] Sure, yeah.
Rod: Yeah, yeah, I thought it was fantastic! I suppose you could tell, huh?
Ruth: Yeah. Uh, good night, um…
Ruth: Rod! Ah, I knew it was Rod. [smiles self-consciously] I did know that. I’m… [rolls back over]
Rod: Right. [looks around] Nice pad…
Ruth: [lifts head] Did I call you “Bob” in the middle of, um…
Rod: Making love?
Rod: You can say it.
Ruth: Well, did I call you “Bob”?
Rod: Yes, you did.
Ruth: Oh, I’m sorry, Rod!
Rod: Hey, it’s okay.
Ruth: No it isn’t, I’m sorry!
Rod: Hey, no probs, it’s okay!
Ruth: No, I’m really sorry, Rod.
Rod: Hey, you probably only did it because I told you earlier in the evening my name was Chuck.
Rod: Well, I didn’t know if you were gonna be a creep or something.
Ruth: [chuckles] Thank you.
Rod: No, thank YOU! I mean, my pleasure! I, I had no idea you were gonna be so… so… I can’t even find the right word, so… fantastic.
Ruth: Thanks, Rod.
Rod: No, thank YOU. You knocked me out.
Ruth: [covers back up] Good night, Rod.
Rod: Yeah, you’re a knockout.
Ruth: [grins sweetly] Nighty-night, Rod.
Rod: “Nighty-night…” That’s so cute…
[Rod revels in the moment, and soon the phone rings.]
Rod: That’s your phone?
Ruth: [sitting up] Yes, it is Rod. You’re quick.
[She reaches over to the bureau for the phone.]
Ruth: Hello? [pause] Peggy, what’s the matter? [pause] Are you all right? [pause] What’s happened? Peggy, I can’t understand you. Stop crying! [pause] What? [dreadfully] Oh, my God, no. [pause] Oh, Peggy, no, please, dear God. What happened? Well, when? [pause] All right, well, what should we do? [pause] Okay, uh… I’ll call you right back, okay? [pause] I love you too, Peggy…
[She hangs up in a daze as Rod sits up behind her.]
Rod: [sarcastically] An old flame?
Ruth: Not now, Rod, please.
[She gets out of bed and walks over to turn on the light.]
Rod: Hey… hey, c’mon, I was only kiddin’. [follows her over] C’mon, I don’t care about your past! Why d’ya think they call it the past?
Ruth: Listen, you… whatever your name is… my father just died.
[She hurries across the room and opens up a dresser drawer.]
Rod: Ahhhh. GEEZ! Ahhhh. GEEZ! [follows her over] I’m sorry! Was he sick or somethin’?
Rod: Was it a car accident?
Rod: Was it a bus accident?
Ruth: Please, I’m trying to find a phone number, okay?
Rod: Was it a–
Ruth: He choked!
Rod: Ahhhh. GEEZ! Ahhh. GEEZ! I’m sorry!
[Ruth ignores him and leafs briskly through a slender phone book.]
Rod: Was it a–
Ruth: A chicken bone! Are you satisfied?
[She hustles back across the room.]
Ruth: Rod, go home.
Rod: No! No, you don’t understand, I wanna help!
Rod: [reaches down to put on his pants] I wanna help, ’cause… [steps into jeans] I wanna help because of what you did for me tonight–as a WOMAN!
Ruth: Rod, listen to me. [sits next to him] We are from different planets, Rod. You really don’t grasp anything I SAY! And right now, I have to make arrangements to have my father moved to a funeral home.
Rod: Where is he? I’ll pick him up!
Ruth: No, Rod.
Rod: No probs, I got a van! C’mon.
Ruth: Rod, he’s in Pittsburgh! That’s in Pennsylvania?
Rod: It’s late, but I can get gas on the turnpike! C’mon!
Ruth: Rod, there are people who do this professionally.
Rod: You see–I don’t know him. I don’t–that’s why this is so special to me! ‘Cause I never knew anybody who died before! [puts on his shoes] No, really, like… famous people. I got upset when that, that famous guy died. What’s his name? BIG guy. Ahhh… You want a drink?
Ruth: No, no thanks, I’ve gotta make these… calls… um… [struggles to pull herself together] I’ve got so many I’ve gotta…
[Rod finishes tying his shoes and jumps off the bed.]
Ruth: [breaks down] I… I can’t. It’s not fair! [sobs] I really loved him! I really did love him…
[She cries into her hand as Rod crawls across the bed to her.]
Ruth: [muffled] What am I gonna do?
Rod: I’m here.
[She turns around and nearly bumps faces with him.]
Ruth: Who ARE you?! [laughter] Don’t you have a HOME?!
Rod: Ruth, LISTEN ta me! After what happened tonight between us, I’m not gonna somethin’ like let that slip outta my fingers! And the sooner you get that through your pretty little head… [touches her hair]
Ruth: Rod… I have a got a gun.
[He suddenly slaps her across the face.]
Ruth: Oh! What…
Rod: [grabs her by the shoulders] You… you’re YOUNG! You got your whole life ahead o’ ya! [laughter] He’s DEAD! Don’t ya understand that?! He’s DEAD!!
[He hugs her tightly and puts her in a headlock. He nuzzles the back of her neck as she squirms to extricate herself.]
Rod: It’s okay… yes, yes…
Ruth: All right, Rod… Rod… Rod… [He slowly releases his grip.]
Ruth: Listen, you’re right.
Rod: You’re darned right I’m right.
Ruth: No, you are, you’re absolutely right, yes. Rod: Yeah! Now you’re talkin’.
[She leaps off the bed and opens the door.]
Ruth: I want you to go downstairs…
Ruth: Start your van, and I’ll throw some things into a suitcase, okay?
Rod: [jumping up] All right, all right. That’s the spirit. Attagirl!
[He jogs merrily out the door. Ruth quickly shuts it and covers her hand with her mouth.]
[She sits on the bed, struggles to regain her composure, and starts leafing through the phone book again.]
Ruth: Uh, phone… okay… I don’t have a number for a funeral parlor…
[The door is heard opening, and Rod bursts back in and almost knocks her over.]
Rod: [staring down at her] Ahhhh. GEEZ! Ahhh.
Ruth: [softly] What do you want…
Rod: GEEZ! This is gonna be terrific!
[He takes her in his arms and kisses her passionately for a long second. Rod whirls around and hustles out the door, which Ruth quickly closes, locks, and deadbolts behind him. She reaches toward a small dresser nearby and pulls it in front of the door. Audience applauds while Ruth sits back down on the bed and picks up the phone. ZOOM OUT.]
Submitted by: Sean