Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 2
[Open on “CHEAP LAFFS” title over a close-up of a bulletin board covered with rubber chickens, fake bunny ears and other joke objects. A Spike Jones song plays in the background. Camera tilts down to show Tim Kazurinsky typing. Tim becomes frustrated, rips the paper out of the typewriter, crumples it up, and throws it into the trash can.]
Tim Kazurinsky: Hi. I’m Tim Kazurinsky. You know, every week we come up with ideas for the show we think are funny . Trouble is, a lot of these ideas are incredibly cheap. For instance, we wanted to do a take-off on The Love Boat called The Lez-Boat. They didn’t let us do it. You know why? ‘Cause it was cheap, much too cheap for a high class show like this. Well, that’s another story. [Tim digs through the trash can, picks out a crumpled piece of paper and picks off a gum wrapper stuck to it.] All right! Here’s this week’s Cheap Laff–gum wrapper. It seems that these two women were having a drink at a bar, and then this guy walks in…[Dissolve to bar scene. Christine Ebersole brings her drink to the table where Robin Duke is sitting]
Christine Ebersole: Hey, Robin, where did Tony go?
Robin Duke: Oh, he, ah, just went to the bathroom.
[Tony walks up to the table]
Tony Rosato: Hi, Chris. Hi, Robin. How’s it going?
Christine Ebersole: Hi, Tony.
[Christine and Robin stare at Tony’s crotch for a moment]
Christine Ebersole: [leaning over to Robin and speaking softly] Robin, do you see what I see?
[Tony covers his crotch in embarassment and turns to the camera]
Tony Rosato: Oh, no! Those embarassing spots! I could’ve died!
[Cut to wide shot of bar as Joe Piscopo enters, playing a cheesy commercial announcer. He smiles and addresses the camera]
Joe Piscopo: How many times has this happened to you? I’m talking trouser tracks! Well, that’s a thing of the past thanks to new Sta-free Peenie Pads! They’re super-absorbent! Watch. [Steps up to table with two mannequin torsos wearing underwear] Here’s a pair of regular underwear. [Pours a pitcher of water into the underwear] Notice how that water just seeps right through. Now another pair of underwear with a Sta-free Peenie Pad. [Pretends to pour water] Peenie Pads stop the moisture on contact, give you all-day confidence. Watch!
[Dissolve to original shot of Christine and Robin at the table]
Christine Ebersole: Where’s Tony?
[Tony walks up]
Tony Rosato: Here I am. [Spreads his jacket to show off his dry crotch]
Joe Piscopo: Sta-free Peenie Pads. Good for the last drop!
[Dissolve back to Tim Kazurinsky holding up a page of the Sta-free script. He crumples it and throws it into the trash]
Tim Kazurinsky: Now that was cheap! This is Tim Kazurinsky saying so long until next time for “Cheap Laffs.”
[Camera pans up to the bulletin board. The “CHEAP LAFFS” title reappears]
Submitted by: John Ravetti