Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 2
Susan St. James’ Monologue
…Susan Saint James
Douglas MacArthur…Tim Kazurinsky
Ronald McDonald…Joe Piscopo
Mel Brand: Ladies and gentlemen, Susan Saint James!
[Applause. Susan Saint James walks to the main stage dressed in a red #18 T-shirt.]
Susan Saint James: Well, you guessed it. That’s right, I am Susan Saint James. Listen, I’ve been in show business for about 15 years, and I am here tonight to clear up some of the misconceptions that you may have about me. For instance, a big one: I’m not Jill St. John, and I’m not even built like Jill St. John! My name is Saint James. S-A-I-N-T, you know how they get it wrong in the National Enquirer all the time? S-A-I-N-T, that’s me. Okay, I was not named after an infirmary, and I was not named after a Bible. Another common misconception: Is there anybody here old enough to remember the Name of the Game series? [applause and whistles] All right, we’re getting the adults in here now! Okay! Well, listen, everybody used to always think my character, Peggy Maxwell, was sleeping with all three of her bosses. I mean, one right after another: Gene Barry, Tony Franciosa, Bob Stack, bang-bang-bang! Another big misconception! Okay, next, the misconception: Did you and Rock Hudson really get along? I mean, we did. We got along great. Rock is a wonderful guy, and we worked together for five years on McMillan & Wife. [applause] I wore this in case you forgot, you know what I mean? Gene Washington, number 18. Listen, all of this is leading up to the obligatory Saturday Night Live host sketch. I had to do it. They’re paying me to do it. Okay, Broderick Crawford was on here, he did a Highway Patrol sketch. We had Margot Kidder, she came on and she did a Lois Lane sketch. We had Tony Perkins, and he did a Psycho sketch. But tonight, I said I’m not gonna do it the regular way. I wanna do it a little different. Let’s let the audience participate a little bit. You know, you guys came here tonight. We’re gonna let you decide what kind of a sketch we are gonna do. Okay, you ready? You got three choices. Your first choice is: We could do it as MacArthur & Wife! Let’s hear it! Wha’d’ya think? We’re taking a vote!
[Tim Kazurinsky walks on stage dressed as Douglas MacArthur as audience applauds. Tim tries to encourage more applause, but Susan pushes him aside]
Susan Saint James: Okay, we got another choice: We got Macbeth & Wife!
[applause as Tony Rosato walks on stage as Macbeth]
Susan Saint James: We’ve got one more choice, and my favorite: Let’s hear it for McDonald & Wife!
[applause as Joe Piscopo walks on stage as Ronald McDonald. Joe and Susan hug]
Susan Saint James: Okay, guys. Remember, you asked for it!
[Joe and Susan exit to prepare for the McDonald & Wife sketch, leaving a disappointed Tim and Tony on the main stage]
[dissolve to “McDonald & Wife” sketch]
Submitted by: John Ravetti