SNL Transcripts: Susan St. James: 10/10/81: Susan St. James’ Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 2

81b: Susan St. James / The Kinks

Susan St. James’ Monologue

…Susan Saint James
Douglas MacArthur…Tim Kazurinsky
Macbeth…Tony Rosato
Ronald McDonald…Joe Piscopo

Mel Brand: Ladies and gentlemen, Susan Saint James!

[Applause. Susan Saint James walks to the main stage dressed in a red #18 T-shirt.]

Susan Saint James: Well, you guessed it. That’s right, I am Susan Saint James. Listen, I’ve been in show business for about 15 years, and I am here tonight to clear up some of the misconceptions that you may have about me. For instance, a big one: I’m not Jill St. John, and I’m not even built like Jill St. John! My name is Saint James. S-A-I-N-T, you know how they get it wrong in the National Enquirer all the time? S-A-I-N-T, that’s me. Okay, I was not named after an infirmary, and I was not named after a Bible. Another common misconception: Is there anybody here old enough to remember the Name of the Game series? [applause and whistles] All right, we’re getting the adults in here now! Okay! Well, listen, everybody used to always think my character, Peggy Maxwell, was sleeping with all three of her bosses. I mean, one right after another: Gene Barry, Tony Franciosa, Bob Stack, bang-bang-bang! Another big misconception! Okay, next, the misconception: Did you and Rock Hudson really get along? I mean, we did. We got along great. Rock is a wonderful guy, and we worked together for five years on McMillan & Wife. [applause] I wore this in case you forgot, you know what I mean? Gene Washington, number 18. Listen, all of this is leading up to the obligatory Saturday Night Live host sketch. I had to do it. They’re paying me to do it. Okay, Broderick Crawford was on here, he did a Highway Patrol sketch. We had Margot Kidder, she came on and she did a Lois Lane sketch. We had Tony Perkins, and he did a Psycho sketch. But tonight, I said I’m not gonna do it the regular way. I wanna do it a little different. Let’s let the audience participate a little bit. You know, you guys came here tonight. We’re gonna let you decide what kind of a sketch we are gonna do. Okay, you ready? You got three choices. Your first choice is: We could do it as MacArthur & Wife! Let’s hear it! Wha’d’ya think? We’re taking a vote!

[Tim Kazurinsky walks on stage dressed as Douglas MacArthur as audience applauds. Tim tries to encourage more applause, but Susan pushes him aside]

Susan Saint James: Okay, we got another choice: We got Macbeth & Wife!

[applause as Tony Rosato walks on stage as Macbeth]

Susan Saint James: We’ve got one more choice, and my favorite: Let’s hear it for McDonald & Wife!

[applause as Joe Piscopo walks on stage as Ronald McDonald. Joe and Susan hug]

Susan Saint James: Okay, guys. Remember, you asked for it!

[Joe and Susan exit to prepare for the McDonald & Wife sketch, leaving a disappointed Tim and Tony on the main stage]

[dissolve to “McDonald & Wife” sketch]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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