Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 2
Sharon…..Susan Saint James
[ open on interior, darkened honeymoon suite, as newly-married couple cross the threshold while humming “The Wedding March” ]
Billy: Well, here we are, honey! The Honeymoon capitof of America — Daytona Beach! Get the light, will ‘ya? [ she flips the light switch with her foot as he pushes the door closed with his back ] Oh, I gotta put you down, honey. Oh, boy… you’re putting on a little bit of weight there, I think. Huh?
Sharon: No, I think it has to do with the suitcases.
Billy: Oh. I thought you left those in the car. [ he looks around the suite ] Hey, look at this! Look at this, huh! Lawn chairs and everything.
Sharon: Billy, look! Champagne! THe motel people must have left it for us.
Billy: That’s nice. Oh, that’ssupposed to be excellent stuff, and it’s a good vintage, too — February’s a good month. Okay, now stand back, Sharon, because I’m gonna pop this thing. [ he holds the bottle out ]
Billy: Look out, baby, this thing goes off like a cannon.
Billy: Look out, Sharon!
Sharon: Honey. honey, it’s a twist-off, I think you just screw it off like that. [ she untwists the cork ]
Billy: Oh, yeah, yeah… I knew that. I knew that. [ she holds up two glasses ] Let’s have a little bit of the bubbly, huh?
[ Billy pours the champagne into the glasses, not realizing they’re covered in plastic wrap, prompting the champagne to splash onto Sharon’s clothes ]
Billy: There’s plastic on those! Let me get a towel, let me get a towel…
Sharon: No, no, I got it…
Billy: I’m sorry, Sharon.
Sharon: I’m sure it’ll dry right off.
Billy: Yeah? You sure? I didn’t even see those. [ he removes the plasti wrap from the glasses ] Why the hell is there plastic on these things?
Sharon: I know. Well, it’s sanitary that way.
Billy: Okay, here. [ he hands her a glass ] you want to make a toast?
Sharon: Oh, yeah!
Billy: Let’s make a little toast.
Sharon: Okay, alright!
Billy: [ he pours the champagne ] A little bit for you… a little bit for me… Good, it looks like Bromo. [ she laughs ] Alright! To the most wonderful girl in the world. Thanks so much for coming into my life. To you.
Sharon: [ she smiles ] Billy. Such a jerk! [ she laughs, then chugs her champagne ]
Billy: [ he shrugs, then chugs ] Oh, that’s got a kick to it, huh? Oh, I don’t know about you, but I feel a little crazy now! [ she laughs nervously ] I think it’s time, Sharon!
Sharon: No, no…
Billy: I think it’s TIME, honey! [ he removes his jacket, dances seductively, then howls like a wolf and stands on a chair over the bed ] Come on, I’ve been practicing all week — it’ll be a riot!
Sharon: No, no…
Billy: Come on, lie down! I’ll just come gliding in there. Come on, I’ll do a double flip and it’ll be a riot!
Sharon: [ finally ] I’VE NEVER MADE LOVE TO ANYBODY BEFORE!!
Sharon: [ quietly ] I’ve never made love to anybody before.
Billy: Are y-y-y-y-you serious? you never made love to anybody? [ he climbs down ]
Sharon: I’ve never even simulated it.
Billy: W-w-w-w-w-wait a minute… Sharon… weren’t you th one who said we were gonna wait until today? I mean, “Doing it with the one you love was gonna be beautiful.” You said that, didn’t you?
Sharon: Oh, yes.
Billy: Well… I assumed you were talking from experience!
Sharon: Ohhh. Noooo.
Billy: But you’re 31 years old. That’s a long time to hold on! How did you manage that?
Sharon: I don’t know, I just kept putting it off. The first tiem the situation arose, I aid “No.” The second time the situation arose, I said “No.” And the third time, I said “Yes,” but he said “No.”
Billy: W-w-w-whoa, wait a minute… Sharon. I don’t understand. I mean, why was I a “No”? I mean, I look like a “Maybe” at the most! I don’t understand!
Sharon: Billy… because I love you. I didn’t know that sex was the most important thing in your life.
Billy: Well… not the most important thing… But once every 31 years starts to take on some significance! You know what I mean? Sharon, it’s like buying a brand new car! I mean, if you put it in the garage for 31 years… it might not start up the next morning!
Sharon: Oh, don’t be silly. Don’t you remember that poem that you wrote me? The first one, where you said: “Love is like the whirling of the universe in two people’s eyes.” You meant that, didn’t you?
Billy: Yeah, yeah! Of course, I meant that. Of course. But this is a different situation, Sharon…
Sharon: Oh, don’t be silly! As long as we love each other.
Billy: No, but you don’t seem to know what the problem is, Sharon. I don’t think you understand, Sharon.
Sharon: I think you’re making it too important.
Billy: You don’t see the position that I’m in now. I mean, the onus, honey — the onus is now on me to be INCREDIBLE! I’ve got to be INCREDIBLE now! I’m not incredible, honey!
Sharon: I don’t care!
Billy: I know, Sharon, but it’s your first time. Your first time should be good.
Sharon: I won’t know the difference!
Billy: [ the light bulb flicks on ] That’s true… that’s true. What the hell are you gonna compare it to! [ he takes her hands ] Hey, and you know something, honey? I have to be incredible sometimes! [ she laughs with him ] Oh, you’re right… maybe you’re right.
Sharon: You know, I always wondered how people got from standing up with their clothes on to lying down naked.
Billy: [ thinking ] Oh… we got a long night ahead of us, don’t we? I got an idea that’ll make it easier. Why don’t I start taking something off first, and then you can start to take something off, and then we’ll work our way down. Four hours will go. Let’s go. Come on, come and sit here on my lap. Come on, Sharon. Don’t worry, it’ll be okay.
Sharon: Okay. [ she sits on his lap ]
Billy: Okay, now don’t be freaked out by these rolls on my sides — they’re called love handles, okay? [ she stands ] Sharon, come on, it’ll be okay…
Sharon: No, Billy, I can’t…
Billy: No, come on, it’s okay!
Sharon: Ican’t, I can’t… [ she climbs on the chair ]
Billy: What are you doing?
Sharon: LAY DOWN, I’m gonna JUMP ON YOU!!
Billy: [ he lays down flat ] ALRIGHT!!
[ she dives off the chair and lands on top of him victoriously ]
[ fade ]