Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 3
Mister Robinson’s Neighborhood
Mr. Robinson…..Eddie Murphy
Mr. Landlord…..Tim Kazurinsky
[ open on toy model of a housing project, with SUPER: “MISTER ROBINSON’S NEIGHBORHOOD”, as police sirens sound ]
[ dissolve to interior, apartment, as Mr. Robinson enters ]
Mr. Robinson: [ singing ]
“It’s… one… hell of a day in the neighborhood
A hell of a day for a neighbor
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
I hope I get to move in your neighborhood someday
The problem is: When I move in… y’all move away!
So… come out with some folks and a smoke
You bring the stash, ’cause Robinson’s broke!
Will you be mine?
Won’t you be mine?
Won’t you be my neighbor?”
[ he finishes changing into his sweater and shoes ]
Mr. Robinson: Hello, boys and girls! We all alone today. You know why? My wife walked out on me! Isn’t that nice? I’m so glad the bitch is gone! I hate —
[ the doorbell buzzes; chimes go off ]
[ Mr. Robinson purses his lips ]
Mr. Robinson: Who could that be? Let’s see! [ he walks up the short flight of stairs and stands before the door ] This is how you answer a door in my neighborhood: WHO IS IT?!!
Muffled Voice: Mr. Robinson! Open the door! I heard you in there, I heard you singing! Open up! Come on!! [ he bangs on the door ] COME ON!!!
[ Mr. Robinson purses his lips and opens the door ]
Mr. Robinson: It’s Mr. Landlord! Hello, Mr. Landlord!
[ Mr. Landlord blows cigar smoke in Mr. Robinson’s face ]
Mr. Landlord: What the –? Cut the BULL, will ‘ya?! You’re rent’s SIX MONTHS overdue! [ he shoves paperwork in Mr. Robinson’s chest ] A summons!
[ Mr. Landlord leaves ]
Mr. Robinson: Ohhhh, look! An eviction notice! Brought by Mr. Landlord! [ he slams his door ] Can you say “Scumbucket”? THat’s our special word for today, boys and girls! [ he points out the word on his easel ] Do you know any scumbuckets? I bet you do! You know, I did have the money to pay this rent… and then all of a sudden it mysteriously disappeared! And then my wife showed up with a new dress on. Want to see that dress now, boys and girls? [ he holds up the dress ] See the footprint on it? I ain’t take it off when I do that, neither! You know what we gonna do? Visit the President, and find out why I’m so po’! Who wants to go to the Magical Land of Make-Believe? Would you like that? We gonna visit the President!
[ dissolve to puppet playhouse ]
Mr. Robinson V/O: Who wants to visit the President?
[ Mr. Robinson raises his hand, covered with black cottonball-tipped fingers, from behind the curtain ]
Ghetto Family V/O: We want to talk to the President! We would like to speak with the president! Where is he? The President’s always late! He ain’t never on time!
[ Mr. Robinson raises his other hand, holding a lop-sided President Ronald Reagan doll, from behind the curtain ]
President Ronald Reagan V/O: Here I am! My neck is hurtin’, though. How you doin’? I’m the President! What’s the problem?
Ghetto Family V/O: Say, Mr. President! How come you cut off my relief funding, and I got evicted from my house?! And how come I sound like Geraldine?!
President Ronald Reagan V/O: Well, I can’t do anything to help you with that, my friend!
Ghetto Family V/O: Mr. President! Mr. President, I have a question! Uh — how come you don’t sell one of them planes, you know, so I could have a full lunch?!
President Ronald Reagan V/O: I’m sorry, uh… I can’t answer that question, neither!
Ghetto Family V/O: But, Mr. President! [ Mr. Robinson lowers the four outer fingers and leaves only his middle finger pointing upward ] I think I speak for ALL Black people! Mr. President!
President Ronald Reagan V/O: I don’t have no more time for no more questions! Sorry!
[ both hands dissppear behind the curtain ]
[ cut to a side shot, as Mr. Robinson smiles from behind the puppet playhouse ]
Mr. Robinson: Well… I have to go now, boys and girls. So, bye bye! [ singing ] “A very happy tomorrow to you!” [ he throws down the Reagan puppet ]
[ dissolve to the prop exterior of Mr. Robinson’s building ]
[ fade ]