SNL Transcripts: George Kennedy: 10/17/81: Control Room ’81

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 3

81c: George Kennedy / Miles Davis

Control Room ’81

Contestant #1…Regis Philbin
Contestant #2…Ron Howard
…George Kennedy
Woman…Christine Ebersole

[Open on darkened stage. Game show theme plays]

Announcer: Number One, what is your name, please? [Spotlight shines on contestants as the camera zooms in]

Contestant #1: My name is George Kennedy. [applause]

Announcer: Number Two. [Camera pans to second contestant]

Contestant #2: My name…is…George Kennedy. [applause]

Announcer: Number Three. [Camera pans to third contestant]

George Kennedy: My name is George Kennedy. [applause] [Camera zooms out to show all three contestants]

Announcer: I, George Kennedy have appeared in over 50 movies in both starring and supporting roles. I am best known for my Academy Award-winning performance in…

[Picture suddenly goes out. Cut to wide shot of the stage as the actors stand looking confused]

Voice: Uh, folks. We’ve, ah — this is the control room — we’ve, ah, just lost a camera. We’ve got some other ones, though. Let’s roll another camera in and please stand by while we take it again from the top.

[Stage lights are turned off. Game show theme plays again as first contestant is shown]

Announcer: Number One, what is your name, please?

Contestant #1: My name is George Kennedy.

Announcer: Number Two.

Contestant #2: My name is…

[Picture goes out again]

Voice: Uh, guys? Uh, we-we just lost another camera…but there’s no problem! This is a four-camera show and we can certainly do it with two cameras! Start again from the top.

[Lights go out and game show theme resumes]

Announcer: Number One, what is your name, please?

Contestant #1: My name is…[Picture goes out. Screen fills with static]

Voice: [panicked] I can’t believe it. We lost another camera! The chromera’s spiking and we’re losing our convergence! I’m trying not to panic, but this is a time I really wanna panic!

Woman’s Voice: [Gasps and screams] Please, somebody, get in here! We need help! Oh God!

[Cut to control room, where all the technicians are slumped over in their seats. The woman is trying to wake them up]

Woman: [crying] How could this happen? Oh my God, everybody, somebody, wake up! Oh my God, come on!

[George Kennedy enters]

George Kennedy: [yelling] What the hell is going on in here?! Who’s in charge?!

Woman: Ah-ah-I guess I am.

George Kennedy: Who are you?!

Woman: I’m the script girl.

George Kennedy: What is the matter with all of these people?!

Woman: They all had heart attacks, okay! [cries]

George Kennedy: What a bunch of wimps! Get outta the chair! [He pushes a technician off his chair, sits at the control panel and puts on a pair of headphones] Master Control. Master Control, this is Studio 8H. Do you read me?

Master Control: This is Master Control. Go ahead.

George Kennedy: This is George Kennedy. We got an emergency down here. I’m gonna take over the controls.

Master Control: [sternly] You cannot do that! You’re not a member of the technicians union!

George Kennedy: Now you listen to me and you hear this good! I got 300 people out there, I got 20 coronaries in here, seven actors and a trained dog, so don’t give me any of that bleedin’ hearts crud about unions!

Master Control: You’re crazy!

George Kennedy: I may be crazy, but I’ll tell you one thing, I’m in charge here! You stand by to roll! Ready, roll! [George pushes lever up, making picture fade to black] Five, four, three, two, one. Cue the music. Go! [Opening sequence and music start]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

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