Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 3
A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney
Andy Rooney…..Joe Piscopo
Mrs. Rooney…..Christine Ebersole
Announcer: [ over title slide ] And now, “A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney”.
[ dissolve to Andy Rooney seated before his clutter-filled desk ]
Andy Rooney: I’ve been doing some serious thinking about CHOCOLATE! Ever notice chocolate? There’s so many different kinds. [ he holds up various pieces of chocolate ] There’s dark chocolate… milk chocolate… white chocolate. Did you ever meet anybody who actually likes white chocolate? Ed Bradley does. Of course, Ed’s kinda white, anyway!
Did you ever notice there aren’t many homosexuals named “Buster”?
Of course, everybody likes a box of chocolate. [ he holds up a box ] It’s all neat and organized. Don’t you hate it when your wife takes a bite out of a piece that she doesn’t like, and then puts half of it back? Honey… why do you do that/?
[ the camera pans out to find Mrs. Rooney seated next to Andy ]
Mrs. Rooney: I don’t know! Ever notice how sloppy some husbands keep their desks?
Andy Rooney: Did you ever notice how cetain wives nag? I guess they mean well… but it always come out as NAGGING!
Mrs. Rooney: Ever notice how some husbands don’t age particularly well?
Andy Rooney: Did you ever spend half your life with someone and just get tired of them… but you don’t have the heart to ask them to leave?
Mrs. Rooney: Did you ever FAKE an orgasm?
Andy Rooney: [ he gives her a dirty look ] Did you ever lose you eyes and pretend your wife was Jessica Savitch?
Mrs. Rooney: Ever cheat on your husband?
Andy Rooney: Ever cheat on your wife?
Mrs. Rooney: Of course, it’s better not to tell!
[ dissolve to title card ]
[ fade ]