SNL Transcripts: George Kennedy: 10/17/81: Spray-On Laetril





 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 3














81c: George Kennedy / Miles Davis

Spray-On Laetril

Gwen…..Christine Ebersole
Peggy…..Mary Gross
Scientists…..Eddie Murphy, Tim Kazurinsky, Tony Rosato
Ted…..Joe Piscopo

Announcer: [ over slide ] And now a message from Tijuana Laboratories for new spray-On Laetril.

[ open on Peggy sitting on the couch as Gwen enters the room smoking ]

Gwen: Hey, Peggy — shouldn’t you be getting ready for the Prom? Ted’s gonna be picking you up in just a few minutes.

Peggy: Gee… I’d love to go to the dance tonight, Gwen… but I can’t. I have lung cancer.

Gwen: [ she laughs ] Oh! Oh, is that all? Well, that used to be a problem, but no longer — [ she picks up product ] Not with new Spray-On Laetril! Now available in the pump!

[ dissolve to three scientists spraying product on their faces ]

Scientists: [ singing ] “The pump! The pump! The pump! The pump! The pump!”

[ dissolve back to Gwen and Peggy ]

Gwen: Just spray on Laetril… [ she sprays it on Peggy’s back over an inking labeled “LUNG CANCER” ] and wipe malignancy off! [ she rubs the ink off with a sponge ] I smoke about six packs a day, and frankly, my lungs look like moldy spinach! Until I discovered new Spray-On Laetril in the pump!

[ dissolve to three scientists spraying product on their faces ]

Scientists: [ singing ] “The pump! The pump! The pump! The pump! The pump!”

[ dissolve back to Gwen and Peggy, SUPER: “Minutes Later” ]

[ the doorbell rings, as Peggy answers ]

Peggy: Hi, Ted!

Ted: [ enters, smoking ] Ohhhh, gosh, Peggy, you look GREAT! I thought you only had a few days to live?

Peggy: I did! But Spray-On Laetril gave me a new lease on life!

Ted: Spray-On? But don’t those aerosols release dangerous florocarbons into our atmosphere?

Peggy: No, silly! This comes in the pump!

[ dissolve to three scientists spraying product on their faces ]

Scientists: [ singing ] “The pump! The pump! The pump! The pump! The pump!”

[ they begin to spray one another, cracking up ]

[ dissolve back to Peggy’s house, SUPER: “After The Prom” ]

[ Peggy and Ted enter, still smoking ]

Ted: Boy… Peggy, I really had a swell time tonight. May I stay over and have sex with you?

Peggy: Oh, of course you can! But it’s only fair to warn you — I hsve syphillis.

Ted: Syph, too?

Peggy: Syph, too.

Ted: Oh. Well, will new Spray-On Laetril…?

Peggy: I’m afraid not.

[ she attempts to kiss Ted, as he pulls away ]

Announcer: We here at Tijuana Laboratories may not haev the answer to all your medical problems, but we’re working on it.

[ dissolve to slide ]

Announcer: Tijuana Laboratories. Serving America’s health needs since 1977.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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