SNL Transcripts: Donald Pleasence: 10/31/81: Profiles In British Courage

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 4

81d: Donald Pleasence / Fear

Profiles In British Courage

Colonel Harold Sweeney…..Donald Pleasence
Baktu…..Tony Rosato
Lieutenant Whitten…..Tim Kazurinsky

[ open on Thanes Color Television logo ]

Announcer: Over the course of history, the words “British” and “Courage” have become synonymous. And to salute the bravery of Englishmen, Thanes Television proudly presents… [ dissolve to program card ] “Profiles In British Courage”.

[ dissolve to British Army tent, as Colonel Harold Sweeney enters and sits to study battle plans ] [ suddenly, Baktu rushes in, dragging one-armed Lieutenant Whitten behind him ]

Baktu: Colonel Sweeney! Colonel Sweeney, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ peeved ] What is it? What is it this time, Baktu?!

Baktu: It’s Whitten, sir! Lieutenant Whitten, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ more formal ] Ohhh. Lieutenant Whitten, sir! [ he stands, as Whitten salutes with his one intact arm ] Lieutenant Whitten… God fell dead tonight.

Lieutenant Whitten: Fine!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: I wish I could be out there with you… Unfortunately, I have the court duty to report…

Lieutenant Whitten: Yes!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Uh — Lieutenant… you seem to have lost an arm.

Lieutenant Whitten: [ looking down ] Have I really?

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Yes, uh…

Lieutenant Whitten: Ah, yes!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: I’m going to have a look at that.

Lieutenant Whitten: I suppose so. If it’s not too much of a bother, sir! [ he chuckles dryly ]

Colonel Harold Sweeney: No, it’s no trouble at all. Just hop over here.

[ Lieutenant Whitten hops over ]

Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ laughing ] Ha! Lieutenant, I didn’t mean you to take it literally!

Lieutenant Whitten: I’m sorry, sir. My leg seems to have been blown to bits.

Colonel Harold Sweeney: What? [ he looks down ] Oh, it does, yes. Oh, I am sorry…

Lieutenant Whitten: Sorry!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: No, don’t be sorry. Um — let’s get you on the table here. [ he begins to remove objects from the table ] Baktu.

Baktu: [ alarmed ] What?! [ he begins to salute like crazy ]

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Lend a hand here… get him on the table. There’s blood all over the place… [ they lift Whitten onto the table ] Whoopsie-daisie! [ to Baktu ] Now, go get a blanket.

Lieutenant Whitten: Thank you, sir! Sorry to be messing up your table, sir.

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Oh, forget it. That’s not a problem at all. After all, I can always get another table, whereas you, on the other hand, uh, can hardly get another, uh… another, um…

Lieutenant Whitten: Yeah!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Uh, may I ask you a direct question?

Lieutenant Whitten: Certainly, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: How would you feel about, um… getting along with just one leg?

Lieutenant Whitten: I suppose if one must!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ he chuckles ] I-I’m afraid we have no regular surgeon.

Lieutenant Whitten: Pity!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: I could take a crack at it myself.

Lieutenant Whitten: Oh, sir, would you?

Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ nervous ] I’ve never done this sort of thing before…

Lieutenant Whitten: There’s a first time for everything, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Alright, um… let me, um, give it to you from the shoulder now… [ he pats Whitten on his missing arm ] Oh! I beg your pardon. Uh… we, uh… we have no antisthetic.

Lieutenant Whitten: Oh, well.

Colonel Harold Sweeney: How about, uh, biting on the ol’ bullet, hey? Hey? [ he places one of Baktu’s bullets in Whitten’s mouth ] Bite on that.

Lieutenant Whitten: Thank you, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ he chuckles nervously ] No surgical instruments, either. Uh — Baktu?

Baktu: [ saluting quickly ] Yes, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Give me a blunt.

[ Baktu hands him a blunt blade ]

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Baktu?

Baktu: Yes, sir?

Colonel Harold Sweeney: I should FLOG you within an INCH OF YOUR LIFE!!

Baktu: [ backing up ] Don’t beat me, sir! Don’t beat me again!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ to Whitten ] Listen, ol’ chap — I’m afraid it should take a couple of hours.

Lieutenant Whitten: Well… take your time, sir. Just take your time.

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Right, uh — better late than never, hmm? [ his monocle falls from his eye ]

Lieutenant Whitten: Whoopsie-daisy there!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Hmm… do you think I, uh… do you mind if I ask your advice?

Lieutenant Whitten: Certainly, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: I’ve never done this before. Do you think I should go straight into the kneecap, or…?

Lieutenant Whitten: SPLENDID!!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: No. Well, let’s have a go, eh? [ he places the blade across the kneecap and begins to saw back and forth ] There we go!

[ blood starts squirting out of Whitten’s knee ]

Lieutenant Whitten: Very good, sir! You’re doing very well!

[ Batku rushes back in ]

Baktu: Colonel Sweeney! Colonel Sweeney! [ he nearly faints at the sight of squirting blood ]

Colonel Harold Sweeney: What is it, Baktu?!

Baktu: It’s a message from General Headquarters, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Hold it up for me. [ Baktu holds it up, as he reads ] Oh, good gracious… they want me to finish the quarterly report immediately!

Lieutenant Whitten: Ohh…

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Tell them I’ll do it later!

Lieutenant Whitten: Yes, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: I’m right in the middle of something!

[ Baktu rushes out ]

Lieutenant Whitten: Uh, sir?

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Yes?

Lieutenant Whitten: If you don’t mind, I’m SURE that quarterly report is a LOT more important than this silly business! So with your permission, sir… let’s say I hack off my own leg!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ he stops sawing ] I say… would you really?

Lieutenant Whitten: Yes, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: That’s certainly sporting of you. It would be as great help, yes. Here, have a go… [ he hands the blunt instrument over ] and I’ll hold the leg.

Lieutenant Whitten: Oh, good! [ he begins to saw his kneecap, as blood continues to squirt ]

Colonel Harold Sweeney: You know…

[ Whitten begins to slash the blunt instrument through his kneecap ]

Lieutenant Whitten: It’s coming along quite well, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Yes! But I’m afraid I’ll have to write the report in blood.

Lieutenant Whitten: [ he chuckles heartily ] In the red again, eh?

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Ha ha ha! I want to tell you something…

Lieutenant Whitten: Yes, sir?

Colonel Harold Sweeney: …Lieutenant Whitten. Um… you’ve really behaved in a very sporting manner about this.

Lieutenant Whitten: Oh, sir… thank you! [ he slashes his kneecap further ]

Announcer: Within minutes, Whitten died. Colonel Sweeney, however, went on to complete his report on schedule. And, for this, he was decorated and commended for his punctuality.

[ dissolve back to title card ]

Announcer: Colonel Herald Sweeney. Another profile in British courage.

[ dissolve back to Thanes Color Television logo ]

This is Thanes Television, dedicated to upholding the British tradition of courage, honor, grace and dignity. Stay tuned for Benny Hill.

[ fade ]

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