…..Brian Doyle Murray
Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo
Raheem Abdul Mohammed…..Eddie Murphy
Announcer: And now: “SNL Newsbreak”, with anchorpersons Mary Gross and Brian Doyle-Murray.
[ the animated graphics are zapped, causing the letters in “BREAK” to explode and fall onto Brian Doyle-Murray, who rolls his eyes at this unnecessary gag before tossing the letters off the desk ]
Brian Doyle-Murray: Good evening! I’m Brian Doyle-Murray. My co-anchorperson Mary Gross is on-assignment in the field.
Our top story tonight: In a surprise announcement today, the Saudi government said it does not want the AWACs which were approved for sale by the Senate last Wednesday. Instead, the Saudis said they would rather have a fleet of Chrysler K-cars and a couple of tickets to the next Rolling Stones concert.
Brian Doyle-Murray: Now with more on the AWACs story, here’s correspondent Mary Gross.
[ the camera is delayed in cutting to Mary Gross ]
Mary Gross: [ laughing ] This week, President Reagan won a surprise last-minute victory, as the Senate approved his AWAC plan by a narrow 52-48 vote. How did Reagan manage to swing those crucial votes to his side? We’re here to ask Presidential consultant Frank Sinatra.
[ Sinatra’s dressing room door opens, as a couple of goons exit and look around before signaling for Frank Sinatra to exit ]
Mary Gross: Mr. Sinatra. Mary Gross, “SNL Newsbreak”.
Frank Sinatra: Speak to me, Mary.
Mary Gross: Okay. Can you tell us how the President was able to swing those votes for the AWAC when all those senators were previously against the sale?
Frank Sinatra: I can tell you in one word: MUSCLE! We leaned on them, Mary.
Mary Gross: “Leaned” on them?
Frank Sinatra: That is correct. He let them know that if they did not cooperate, things would not go so good for them — if you catch my drift.
Mary Gross: Oh. [ she laughs nervously ] But is it right to use political pressure in an important issue like this? A lot of senators had their reasons for opposing the sale.
Frank Sinatra: Mary, you cannot use reason in a situation like this. The issue was NOT five airplanes — the issue was: “Are you with the President, or are you not eith the President?” When you are in a situation where some of your underlings are showing disloyalty, you do NOT use reason. You offer what we call… “incentives.”
Mary Gross: Uh, could you be more specific?
Frank Sinatra: [ sternly ] No!
Mary Gross: What if these incentives fail to work?
Frank Sinatra: Well, then you use a little of this: [ he pulls one of his goons forward ] “Persuasion.” Ronnie knows this, and I back him 100%. It’s exactly the way I would have handled it. Capische?
Mary Gross: Capische… I guess. But the fact remains that we’re selling weapons to the Saudis, who opposed our peace plan. Is a political victory for the President more important than that?
[ Sinatra pulls his goon forward again and points him to the camera. The goon leans in and covers his hand over the lens ]
Mary Gross: Thank you… Mr. Ol’ Blue Eyes. Back to you, Brian.
[ return to Brian Doyle-Murray at the news desk ]
Brian Doyle-Murray: Thank you, Mary.
Former and present First Ladies Betty Ford and Nancy Reagan got together this week to compare notes on which president was best in the bedroom. Inexplainably, they agreed it was Richard Nixon. Mr. Nixon could not be reached for comment, which is a highly unusual note in itself.
The cost of mailing a First Class letter rose to twenty cents at Midnight tonight, and the Post Ofice issued a new commenmorative stamp. The new twenty-cent stamp commemorates the old ten-cent stamp.
Well, responding to forecasts of a cold winter ahead, Reagan’s energy chief, James B. Edwards, has issued this suggestion on how to keep warm and save precious oil, gas and coal. He recommends flag burning. Edwards said flags are plentiful, cheap and heat-producing, and adds, “American flags have been used as fuel all over the world, right in front of our own embassies!” Why didn’t we think of it before now?
The American Medical Association met this week to consider lowering health care costs. Members also considered painting their foreheads blue and eating only cardboard for a year.
Brian Doyle Murray: Well, now with all the weather for this Halloween, here “Newsbreak”‘s staff meteoroligist Christine “Field” Ebersole. Christine?
[ Christine appears before the weather map, dressed in a skimpy leopard-print blouse ]
Christine Ebersole: [ nervous ] Hi, Brian.
Brian Doyle-Murray: Hi, Christine. Nice outfit.
Christine Ebersole: [ annoyed ] Oh, don’t start up with me, okay, Brian?! I’m really upset! My apartment got broken into last night, and they took EVERYTHING!
Brian Doyle-Murray: Oh, that’s too bad…
Christine Ebersole: Oh, I hope they bring back the death penalty! I mean, look at me! I look RIDICULOUS!! They took all my clothes and I had absolutely NOTHING to wear, so I had to borrow this outfit from my girl friend Jan, and, you know, she’s real hard to get a hold of because she works all night and everything, you know? [ starting to sob ] And I couldn’t get a hold of her, and it was really difficult, and…
Brian Doyle-Murray: I think you look very nice, Christine.
Christine Ebersole: I don’t think I look nice! I think I look like a HOOKER!! [ she gasps ] Oh… I’m sorry, Jan, I-I-I didn’t mean to tell. [ weeping ] Listen — I gotta go, I can’t do this!
Brian Doyle-Murray: Christine… what about the weather?
Christine Ebersole: What about the weather? Look — you tell them to look out the window and they can see what the weather looks like, okay? I can’t deal with it! [ she runs off ]
Brian Doyle-Murray: That’s the weather. Thank you, Christine. And now… here’s our “Newsbreak” film critic — Raheem Abdul Mohammed! Raheem?
[ no response from the audience ]
Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Thank you, Brian Doyle Murray! [ to the audience ] And thank you for that warm round of applause. You know — [ the audience finally applauds ] I’m Raheem Abdul Mohammed, and as you can pretty well imagine, I spend a HELL of a lot of time in dark rooms watching movies. And it SEEMS like about 90% of the movies that I see these days are horror films, right? Well, my days are filled with a lot of hacking, and chopping, and blood bursting, and knives getting shoved in people’s eyeballs, right? And heads getting sliced off with chainsaws. And I been noticing something at the theater lately — most of the audience that goes to see the movies… is BLACK PEOPLE! Brothers, now! And I asked myself, I said, “Raheem? How come so many brothers go to see the movies? ‘Cause the movies can’t be no more scary than their own neighborhoods?” So I’ll tell you why we go to see the movies. We go to see the movies ’cause it’s FUNNY to see rich, white people get KILLED!
Think about the movies. Who buys haunted houses, right? Rich, white people buy haunted houses. Now, BLACK people can’t even AFFORD no houses! If they could buy a house, they wouldn’t buy one that was HAUNTED, right? So to be perfectly honest, it’s pretty funny to see white people in them houses getting their skulls caved in, or they get crushed or something! [ he laughs out loud ] Colored people NEVER get hurt in them movies, man! Take, like, them college movies, like “Death Train” and “Friday the 13th”. Who getting killed in movies — college movies? Who getting decapitated with meat cleavers, who’s getting dismembered with a tommy hawk, who’s getting their face messed up with a blowtorch? Rich, white people… that have lots of simulated sex! You NEVER see no nigger or Puerto Rican getting hurt in that movie! And that’s why we like it! I’m Raheem Abdul Mohammed.
Brian Doyle-Murray: Out of sight! Thank you, Raheem! You welcome, Brian Doyle Murray!
Brian Doyle-Murray: Well… October 31st was a big day for TV newspersons. It was the birthday of NBC’s Jane Pauley — [ Jane Pauley’s picture appears on the monitor ] Happy Birthday, Jane! And, also, Dan Rather, over at CBS — [ Dan Rather’s picture appears on the monitor ] Happy Birthday, Dan! Dan is 31, and Jane is 50. And, also — [ Brian’s picture appears on the monitor ] You’re kidding! My birthday? Well, yes, it is! [ the audience cheers ] What a — I didn’t know it was my birthday! Nobody told me about it, I didn’t know! [ a birthday cake with a lit candle appears on the monitor ] It’s a total surprise to me! Well, yes, it is. And thank you, and… [ he blows, as the candle fans out on the monitor ] Happy Birthday to me! Thank you! That’s the news. Good night, and Happy Birthday to everybody!